226 wivesbehavingbadly

. rose was on the doorstep , clasping a long brown paper package . she was wearing jean and a short , tight jacket . she seemed straned and harassed instinctive i made to shut the shut the door , but she placed a foot on the step and prevented me ." don't , minty ."
"i'm not sure i can take this ," i ssaid , with , with a sour taste rising in my throat ." but thank you for your letter ."
"you look awful ." she peered at me ." are you taking care of yourself ? you should , you know . have you seen the doctor ?"
" there 's no point , rose . go away and don't come back . we're not friend anymore ."
" that 's true ." she nodded reflectively ." but you still need someone to check up on you ." she added ." i know what it's like ."
" don't you think that's what makes it impossible ?"
" in normal circumstances , but these are'nt . so .... herre i am . "
dseveral cars roared down the street , folllowed by a lumbering white van from which blared heavy rock music  . opposite , mrs . austen glanced up from her pots . fork in hand , she stared openly at us .
" be kind , if only to a dog . is that it ?"
" that's it ."
the sourness turned into humiliation ." kindness to canines apart , there must be some other reason ."
she hel;d out the package ." i think this is meant for you . i've opened it , it's from nathan ."
i examined the label . it was addressed to minty llloyd but the actual addresss was rose's ." the wrong wife ."
she s,miled wryly ." maybe nathan had fallen into the habit of thinking of us as a composite . he always waas thrifty ."

225 wivesbehavingbadly

. the following saturday , i cooked sausages and mash for lunch , and the boys and i are together , afterward , they demaned to go into the garden and i retreated into nathan's stydy . i gave it a good hard appraisal . when it came to his study , nathan had a tendency to believe like a bear in its den . don't touch anything . it was very much his room  masculine and utilitarian , cluttered with papers and now a little dusty . don't touch anything .
but in getting through a situation such as this one - my personal nuclear winter - i must look over the parapet . good girl , i heard paige say .
panting with the effort , i put my my shoulder to the desk and prised it , inch by inch , from its berth . why did you leave us , nathan ? why didn't you take more care ?  yes , i am angry with yoy , i shoved it over to the window and the chair followd . if i sat in here , i could see the garden , where the twins were casing a squirred .
wrong , i thought , rubbing my shoulder . you're wrong , rose anger makes you strong .
the study seemed bigger , and unfamiliar , a friendly area on which i would imprint what wished , moving the desk had let loose a snowstorm of papers ; including a directory of key vistemax employees which went straight into the bin , invitation , a timetable , and an out-of-date list of golfing fixtures at a club i had never heard of . they went into the bin too .
 the dooorbell rang . the silence in the house was so pleasant , rather reassuring in fact , that i was tempted to ignore it . rang a second tme ,  and i went to see who it was .

224 wivesbehavingbadly

. oh , were absolutely fine , i heartd myself say into the phone to mrs . jenkins who had  rung up to ask if i needed extra help with the boys . or , that would be such fun when millie's mother rang up to invite us to a picnic on the common , giving the impression that the boys and i were thoroughly enjoying nathan's being dead .
i never found nathan's diary although i searched his drawers and files , i went through the the car , his pockets . i went through the bookshelves . at the finish , i was forced to concede i had lost the tussle between us  . nathan had decided to deny me the intimacies revealed on its pages and i grieved for that too .
yet there was a curious beauty to grief , a haunting , solitary beauty that was hard to describe and more than a little alarming . it was almost a oleasure .
meanwhile . i worked steadily throgh the letters in the study , determined to reply  to them all .
when got round to sorting out the piles of newspapers that had accumlated since nathan's death which i had never read  . i came across an ad in one of the supplements for the shifiaka exhibitation  that gisela had taken me to see . i examined the painting . a series of tree brushstrokes created a forest glade , a mixture of deciduous and pine . imposed on the mesh of foliage were the lines of trunks and branches so rigid and black they added an air  of menace to what should have been a traquil vista . i showed this to felix , who said ," ugh ."
" why ugh , felix ?"
"because  there are nasty things , looks , mummy ."
felix had seen instantly that the leaves on the trees were withered  and the outcrops on the tree trunks were clumps of insects , not natural growths . printed at the bottom of the painting was the legend : " only beestles survive the nuclear winter ..."

223 wivesbehavingbadly

. " closure , " i offered .
"a listening ear .... just ring this number ."
she went away , leaving me with the leaflets .
scense from our married life .... summoned to help me counter the torture of sleeplessness .
"these are for the bride ." nathan returned from his first day back at work after our honeymoon and presented me with a bouquet of such beauty that i cried out with pleasure ." this is to make up for no flowers at the wedding "...
"broccoli needs butter  ." nathan stared at the plate when i served him up broccoli into which i had mixed pine nuts and raisins ." why do we have to gussy up vegetables ?" because ." i said , "it to make stick -in--the-mud like you sit up a little . things are  changing including broccoli ." nathan dropped his head  in his hands and groaned ." nothing is sacred ." he added ." i hate broccoli ."....
in the bedroom , i drew the bustier out of the elegant carrrier bag in which it was packed . from the bed , nathan 's eyes flicked over it ." put it on , inty . i want to see you in it ."
i looked down at it : such a pretty , sexy thing . into it i would insert a body altered by chilbirth and pretend that it wasn't .
minty ...." nathan was impatient . ." put it on . it will be like ... it used to be ."
that was what nathan wanted . he craved the sharp , heightened excitement of our affair , the novelty of his willing inventive mistress .
i gave a tiny sigh , and did as he asked and thus accoutred , joined my husband on the bed - but i was no longer willing or inventive for i carried a tally of the past , of routine and fatigue . no bustier would ever mask those ....

222 wivesbehavingbadly

. sleep was unpredicable , and i asked myself difficult questions . would nathan have known as he died what was happening to him  ? had it been painful ? i prayed not . but perhaps , it he had understood what was happening , he had been granted the chance during the final seconds to think thank you for a good life . i can't imagine what it must be like to die  with the conclusion . i had an unsatisfactory , woeful , beastly life .
did he manage to think about any of us ?
the self-help manual after life ,  which i was now reading , said we cannot possibl comprehend death . anything we think we know is a fantasy .
i want to know how the author knew .
sue frost turned up at the house . at first , i did not reconize the figure in pink cutoffs and matching loafers , for she looked older than the woman whom i had encountered in the supermaket ." surprised ?" she said .
"well , yes . but no ."
sue held out a bunch of peonies and a couple of leaflers " for nathan 's sake , i brought you these ."
her  eyes filled and so , to my distress , did mine . ." thank you , " i managed .
"we will miss him ." she was weeping openly now ." we really love him ."
the tears were rolling down my cheeks and i lashed out . " but not enough to recognize me , which would have made him happy ?"\
now it was sue's turn to be surprised . " yes , well ," she wiped her cheeks with her sleeve ." we all do things we regret . the leaflets . i don't you if you know , i'm a trained counselr  . in fact i run the op[eration . if you would like , if you feel you need help .... if you need ..."

221 wivesbehavingbadly

. " you will be obliged to sell the house and the proceeds will be invested for the twins ."
he left me to reflect that since theo 's hourly fees made anyone's eyes water , this had been a very expensive way to learn that celibacy paid .
i climbed onto a bus . at least i knew that in the coming months . i must be vigilant . extra vigilant . those months , possibly years , would require energy and attack . at the moment , i was not sure i possessed either . what i did have was an overwhelming  sense of panic . that would have to do . in fact , its blackness and sharpness would do very well .
theo advised me to draw up a list of priorities , plus a financial timeable  ." be ruthless , " he had said , " put together all the facts and figures to see the whose picture . it will make it easier foe you ."
fact :  there was no one to fall back on .
fact : i must get used to it .
fact : a widow with two children was hampered in what she could do to survive .
fact : after  cataclysm , my mind indulged in curious illusions .
once , early in the morning , i stumbled downstairs and there nathan was in kitchen making breakfast . coffee . bacon . toast - all those lovely aromas  . he was in his dressing gown  , whistling under his breath ." hallo . ' i said with a rush of pure delight ." you're up early ." without turning round , he reached back and slipped his arm around me .
then he was gone .
yes, my mind skittered about . concentration lapsed and i found it hard to read .