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bared teeth and srtetched lips , unholy thoughts teeming behind them . i bet roger couldn't remember anything truly significant about nathan .
" loyalty is what distingguished nathan . he was loyal to colleagues , to his work  , ultraloy to the company ."
i bit my lip and blanked out the rest of roger's speech .
whitman's , ' but nathan discussed his funeral with me more than once ."
rose was disingenuous . there was nothing strange about people who had lived with  each for a long time . and presumably loved each other , discussing their finale . it was those who got stuck in the intricacies of the second act who never got round to it . for the record , nathan and i had never touched on the suject .
there was rustle , part embarrassiment , part anticipation , the light fell over rose , she was past coltish  prettiness and she had never been sexy , but there was beauty . if a face  truly mirrored the inner being , rose was offering hers for inspection , boldly and without pretense .
poopy's hand flew to her mouth , roger stared straght ahead , and felix whimpered . i bent over him , " listen , felix , " i whispeed , " it's about daddy ."
roger went on  ." nathan loved hid family . he loved pottering in boats , mackered fishing ...." she told her story , deconstructing the bland company man whom roger had presented , roger's nathan was a man who strove to think and to feel .
 she could have added ..." the nathan who shouted out the answers to a radio quiz program , who disliked broccoli .

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" minty , i'm glad you agtreed to let dad be buried here , " poppy looked round the church ." it would have been wrong to have hin elsewhere . what made you change your mind ?"
rose strked poppy 's hand , " shush . this is not the time ."
above in the organ loft , the organist unlocked his instructment and settled himself olace . the opipes released a series of groasns and sighs , some distinctly digestive , my lips twitched .
poppy haad not finished with me ." it would have been awful if , in the furture , you married again and went to live , oh , i don't know , in spain or somewhere , and he would have been alone in london ."
"poppy ," rose  was sharp ." enough ."
at that moment , i admired poppy for her trucuence and rudenness , and her fine line in insult ." listen to me , i would never live in marbella .
organ  and congregation stumbled  to the end of the hymn . out of the coner of my eye , i  caught the flutter of several white handkerchiefs . . in a dark suite and black tie , rose approached the lectern . he cleanred his throat . at that moment , the sun cameout and a multicolored refraction of light from the window spread over the floor of the nave ." i knew nathan for twenty years , many of them as a collegue , ' he began , " he was a company man , through and through . we fought  many battles together  , and rejoiced when we  won ."
had nathan been a company man ? i supposed so . roger smiled just enough not to fool us levity , but to suggest the recollected joys of the companionship that he ha shared with nathan in pursuit of the company's welfare , we live a life of false smiles . it is one of the prices we pay for civilzation -

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i thought you would agree that it wass nathan who was important  ."
we looked at each other and , for the thousandth time , i asked myself why i had chosen to use rose , of all people , in the way that i had .
she pointed to the bouquet , " i'm going to put this on the coffin  with your flowers . it's from us , the family ."
"ah ..." the sound slid away from me .
" you can't possible ." please , "  i said , and gestured toward the coffin , but i had the curious sensation that my years with nathan had disappeared pulverzed in the fierce , implacable determination of his first family .
rose got to her feet and her linen dress fell into place as it should . the heavy gold ring gleamed on her finger . she placed the flowers beside mine on the coffin and rested her hand briefly on it ," for you nathan ," she said to the coffin ." they're the best i could get ."
she retured  around . " are the twins coming today ?"
" yes , i wasn't sure about subjecting them , but  they are here ."
' there you are ."  poppy rustled up , pale and hollow eyed ." i got here early to help out ." she slipped a hand under her mother's elbow and peered into her face ." are you okay ?" she inquired anxiously ." will you get through ?" poppy wanted needed - rose to be bowed down with grief ." you're doing brilliantly , mum . i'll  look after you later ."
mother and daughter exchangaed a glance of perfect understanding . without being told , rose knew that poppy was terrified yet by the drama of her sorrow and poppy was understood that her mother's courage was stretched taut.

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i approached the coffin , craving the moment of silent and calm in which i  would try to talked to nathan for the last time .
i planned to tell him again : i am sorry .
my heels clacked on the uneven tiles and a woman sitting in front pew swiveled around ." i thought it  would be you ," said rose . her hair into  a chignon , she wore an exquisitely cut linen dress and jacket ( french , no doubt ) . a bouquet of white roses , laurel , and fern lay on her lap . she was pale but , all in all , she presented herself with  distinction as the not-quite-but-almost-widow .
i slipped into the pew beside her . i raised my eyes and looked into the face that was bent toward me  . like my own skin and bones  , rose was imp[ossible to eradicate , i could never , ever scrape her away . nathan had lived with her first , had his first children with her , died qwith her . on that last day , stricken and beaten , he had fumbled his way to rose .
she was to blame for everything and nothing .
in the window embrasures , the bowls of flowers seemed to be floating , poised on the bioundaries of this world and some spectral realm , " do  you think the flowers will do ?  the florist was uncanny . she seemed to know , " i said .
roshesitated , " i hope you don't mind , but i had a word with her , and told her  what nathan preferred , " she touched one of the roses in the bouquet on her lap . they were creamy rose would be ." i thought that i  wouldn't be treading on your toes . you'd want what nathan loked ?"
"you should have asked me ."
at that , she coloerd , " perhaps ,  but you were busy and i now you want to keep contact between   us to a minimum .

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the first was a bouquet of pink and with love ." the second , white roses women with laurel leaves and ferns , real : " from rose , sam and poppy with all our love ."
the scent was dense , almost solid . i pressed my gloved fingers to my mouth . forever after , i would associate this lght , sweet , unbearable perfume with death .
earlier , before the service , i left the boys in eve's charge and sneaked into the then - empty church . the porch was clutered with leaflets , service manuals , and postcards whose edges were curling , have i got it right >? i want to ask the presence in the coffin , that was not quite body and not quite spirit .do you like the flowers ? gisela's florist had proved more than helpful , " just leave it to me , mrs , lloyd , " she had said . " i'll make sure i get what you and he would want ."
would the wine to be served at the funeral wake at the local hotel be drinkable , the tea and sandwiches acceptable ? the rules of this ritual were as mysterious  to me as those that governed my faltering marriage had been . i had a nagging feeling that that a good funeral lasted longer in the memory than a wedding . if nothing else , nathan was owned a long memory .
hymns.... undertakers ... tea for the twins... there was a hint of hysteria as i ticked off the mental list while i walked down the aisle . there had been so many to work through , and so much advice , most which i could not remember - except that offered by mrs . jerkins at the school , glasses postioned at the end of her nose , a gesture designed to ward off too intimate a contact , she had  said that felix and lucas should go to their father's funeral because it offered closure .

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 across the aisle , seated on either side  of me , felix and lucas shifted uneasily at sight of their big brother 's grief . for the hundredth time . i questioned if they should be at the service . both had gone missing as we were due to leave lakey street . and  after an increasingly tense search , eve discovered them in nathan 's cupboard , i bribed them out with a bag of ( normally forbidden) tangfastics . as felix got into the car , he asked , " if we put daddy in the ground does that mean he will grow again ?"
in the pew directly behind , elegant and somber and somber in black , gisela's voice was a pleasant alto , " god only wise ." beside her , roger sang bass rather badly , gisela had been as good as her word and had kept in constant touch ."  ask me anything . " she said , i'm a professional widow , i know what to do ."
i held felix's and lucas 's hands in my gloves ones and sang the hymn chosen by rose , sam , and poppy . i rarely wore gloves , and the weather was warmer , but they seemed necessary at a funeral , as necessary as this rite of passage , and i had loned for the funeral to arrive . the dead are always with us rums the truism , and truims have a knack of being true . eberyone is accompanied by a crocodile of ghosts , trailing fore and aft . i sensed that nathan was hoving over us , seeking permission to leave .
the church at a;tringham wass as pretty and ancient as poppy had vowed , and every pew was taken , which , considering  altringham was more than an hour's journey from london , was a tribute to  nathan . the nave was filled with the acent of narcissi and lities that had been placed in the window niches in huge bowls . more were massed on the altar and beside the coffin , which was made of bamboo - nathan was going to his grave with impeccable green credentials . there were two flower arrangements on top of the coffin .