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.  the twins wriggled , frieda made a face , and the adults drank  our toast . absent friends .
at which point , frieda threw herself back  in her chair and overbalanced ." oh , for goodness sake , " said jilly , " i told you  not to do that ." then she remembered it was christmasd and wipe the frown off her face ." come here , sweetheart , i'll kiss you better ."
sam produced a digital camera ." okay . best smiles ." he ordered ." mum can you move up a bit . frieda , sit still . lucas . can you get onto your mum 's lap ? thank you ."
we held our  posses , there were several clicks , and sam fiddled  with the camera ." have a look ," he said passed it round .
rose was in the middle of the group , with jilly beside her . richard's eyes were red . lucas had moved at the crucial moment and , consequently  was a little blurred . felix  was pointing at something ,poppy was gazing at richard . and myself ? i was positioned in theleft-hand corner of the photo . looking tired , which was not surprising ." it's quite good of you , minty ."
poppy commented  and  handed the camera back to sam .
rose sat herself down beside me ." i've been thinking about the garden , as you asked . we couldput the catmint over by the fwence . it would fit well there and leave space for the boys to play , what do you think ?"
a candle guttered and i leaned forward to shield the flame . it was hot against my flash , and i flinched ." mum ..." shrieked felix ." mum ...can we have presents ? "
the flame steadied , and i took my hand away .

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poppy had been a little sour about the family decision to hold chrismas lunch at number 7 ." richard and i could almost be offended , " she pointed out , " and our house is bigger ."
she had been mollified , however , when it wa arranged that lily and frieda would drive p from  bath , sam would fly in from the states , and they would  stay with poppy for a couple of days . jilly was pregnant again and , in the latest bulletin ,  sam announced that they had agreed she wouls remain in the UK until after the birth -" we couldn't affort to have a baby in the states  " then join sam in austin .
the boys  and i chose the christmas  tre from the trader at the coner of lakey street and brought it home , with a selection of particularly  nasty colord baubles and and colored lights with which they had fallen in love , it had been no use protesting that silver balls and white lights were prettier  . they simply did not see it . any idea i might have cherished of a sophisticated , elegant tre disintegrate in the face of a determined pair of twins .
after all , and after everything  , it was their tree .
we put it up in the hall . felix and lucas did their best to hold it stead while i crawled underneath to screw it into the stand . the three of us stood back to assess  thje effect ." mummy , "
pronounced felix seriously  ." it's a bit croooked ." i bit my lip . this had been nmathan 's job , and  he had been expert in the fine-tuning , i saw " addy " float through their minds , and i said ." you're so picky  , felix ." but i crawled back underneath the pine-scented  branches and thought : you  should see me now , nathan .
i planned everything down to the last detail , presents .... bath oil for the women , which i emploed syriol to wrap , who was keen to earn a bit extra , and a good bottle  of wine each for the men . food .... the turkey , ready - made gravy , cranberry sauce , bread sauce , vegetables , and pudding was to be delivered from  the supermarket .i reconked i could manage to peel the brussels  sprouts and potatoes with the boys 's help .
 a big smile plastered across her wan face . eve had flown home on christmas  eve with so much luggage - mostly sweaters and socks from marks  &  spencer - that i was convinced she would not get through check -in .
i had filled  the stockings several days previously .
on christmas day . i had been  up at dawn laying the table . having thought long and hard about ther placements , i decided that sam should be at the head with his mother . richard was at the other end of the table  with me . poppy had volunteered to sit the twins on their side of her to keep an eye on them . you are to make decent conversation , i admonished them ." what's decent ? " asked felix .
sam arrived early straight from te airport . he was tired , unshaven , and foul breathed . i sent him up to the spare bedroom , where he could wash and brush up in peace . the rest arrived hlaf an hour later .
there was confusion as  to whther the presents should be openned before  or after lunch , but i put my foot down  and announced that lunch would burn if we delayed ,, sam carved and richard poured the wine . poppy had provided the candle 9 red and glittering ) , which to behonest , would not have been my first choice , and played cat's cradle with the twins while the food  was served . with one arm round frieda . rose talked earnestly to jilly .
no one paid me much attention , but that was fine , particularly as i was busy in the kitchen . that was how i wanted it . as we sat and ate , conversation  flew back and forth across the table , little  snippets of gossip , an old joke  , a snatch of reminiscence . only so much could have  been decided that they were jumping beans and richard had to swap places to try to help poppy control them .
when i emerged from the kitchen with two puddings burning merrily , there was smattering of applause . i sat down , exhausted , speechless , and not hungry . at that moment , rose sent me a little  smile .
we discussed jet lag ." i've been caking melatonin ," sam rubbed his face , " but it's not great ."
" you should try arnica . the pills , i mean ." rose said .
"it mght be better if you didn't quaff huge quantities of wine on board ." poppy leaned over to poke her brother ." eh ?"

" who are you to lecture on behavior ?" sam grinned all the same . " i know where your secret are buried ." for a second , poppy's eyes were dark with terror . under the table , i felt for her hand . after a moment .poppy's  fingers tightened  on mine  . sm continued ." who snitched the chocolate bunny from gavin in the fifth form ? that's  whaty i want to know ."
after the pudding sam got to his feet , wineglass  in hand . " we need a toast , " he said ." absent friends ."
" dad ....." cried one of the twins and i swiveled round to see which .
there followed one of the heartbreaking emotin-filled silences that no one wanted to last .

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. when the twins had been strapped into their seats , rose and i drove off in opposite  directions . before she disappeared , rose tooted her horn .
i drove back throught the streets , where people made their way home from work . it seemed that there were couples everywhere . hand in hand , talking . sharing a bottle of water or chips , some had their arms round each other . one man had his hand tucked into the pocket of his girlfriend's jacket . at the corner of albert bridge road and battersea  bridge road , another couple was wrapped in each other's arms . as i drove past , i caught a glimpse of the girl's face . it was enraptured , salight ,  quivering with a new dawn .
my eyes smarted with tears .
i had not read a self-help  manual in weeks , for one thing . i had hunted down the statistics ." the most likely customer for a book on any given topic ."  concluded one researcher , " was someone who had bought a similar tome with the past eihteen months  , " . this begged the question : if self-help manual are  so good at solving the problem , why would you need to buy another on the same subject ?
" what was it that rose told you to remember ?" i asked the boys eventuallly .
lucas went , " roar , roar . that's the dinosaur eating the horse ."
"  they weren't hoprses , " said felix ." not then ."
"boys , what  did rose ask you to remember ?"
in the rear mirror , i watched  felix brow wrinkle wirth effort , " she said we looked more like daddy every day , " he said .
i flicked my finger over my cheek where the tears continute ued to run . rule number six of the rules governing my life is taken from something rose said . it states : youmust hold on , for this too will pass .

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. she locked the car and , boys in in tow , we moved off in the direction of the pond .
" lucas  didn't eat eat much lunch ," rose reported ." he was too excited  . there  was an exhibilittion about . tyrannosayrus rex . the moded ate model prey and snapped its jaws . lucas was transfix , and felix ..... well , i am not sure  that he liked it much ."
" was it crowed ?"
"was it crowded ?"
we circumnavigated the pond once , and that was enough . it was scummy and the coucil's attempts to landscape it had only gone so far before the money had run out  . it was too cold . by mutual consent , we retraced our steps to the cars , "  what are you up to ?" i asked rose .
"after chrismas  i'm off to see had at the farm . i haven't seen him for weeks , " her face registered anticipation and pleasure ." after that , viet viet , i think . there's a piece i've got to do ."
we stood by the cars . " thank you so much for taking them today , " i said . " i'm so grateful , " i fished in my pocket for my car keys , which had become attched to half a boiled sweet i had given to lucas the last time he had felt carsick . roseextracted her keys from a brilliant green lizard-skin handbag and zapped the lock . "next time , i'll take them to the zoo . when it gets warner ."
we leaned toward each other , an awkward second elapsed as we clashed cheeks and exchanged the lightest of kisses .
" thanks , " i said again .
" that's fine ." she kissed felix and lucas on the tops of their heads ." be good boys , and remember what i told you ."

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. a stack of quick-fire calculations snapped through my brain . eve needed a break . she needed her mother . four days in a coach was not a rest . i neededd eve , well and strong , as she herself wished to be ." i'll pay your airfare , and you must go as soon as we can arrange it ."
as i went upstairs , prepareing for riot duty , the rest of the calculation slooted into place .  what with the hit taken on my finances with the loan to poppy , eve's  airfare equaled a   reduction in the chrismas present list . it definitely put paid to the haircut , and the cost of her replacement would , no doubt , see off any strictly unnessary seaonal frivolity , but that , i supposed , it what unnessary meant . you could do wiyhout it .
it was the day before chrismas eve , the kind of day that paraded a weak  sun as a joke . i eased the car into  the parking slot and got out . it was very cold , and i zipped up my fleece , a powder blue , then  turned up the collar . i could smell frosted leaf mold and the faintes whiff of frying fat coming from a van selling snacks parked farther up .
i was relishing the moment of freedom , and allowing my mind to drift , before i took up the slack in the reins and pulled them tight . moments  such as these kept me sane .
i was contemplating getting back into the warm car , when  a smart siver coupe' drew up and prked in in the space beside mine .
one of the passenger doors  flung open and lucas tumble out ." mum ... " he was followed  closely  by  felix .
" mum ...." both of them were clutching picture books with an illustration if dinosaur on the front . i knew this because felix virtually pressed his into my face.

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. no food , he backed off at once ." i was only thinking of you ." he said .
on the way home . i passsed paige's house . the front garden was looking ultrasmart because the gardener had recently completed the autumn spring clean ."  " you  can't call it a spring clean ," i had pointed out to paige when i phoned her the previous day . i can call it what i like was her reply .
" has martin been to see you ?"
paige bristled , " i wish you wouldn't interfere ."
"and ?"" he's here at the weekend , but i'm not taking him back . minty , as i'm far too busy with the children to be married ."
the scene when i finally got throgh the door of number 7 was much  as i had pictured it . eve had collapsed  into a chair in the kitchen , and a small riot  was going on in the boys 's bedroom . one of eve's hands lay on the table  , so white and thin that it alarmed me .
first i tackled her ." look ," i addressed the slumped figure ." this is not good . it's been going on for months , and you havn't got really better . you need  and i was startled by the light in her eyes ." go back ? she gulped a lungful of air - as if she was already breathing in the scents of river and mountains of her home .
that decidewd it . " you must go home for two weeks , see your family , rest , then come back ."
" i get coach ." eve hauled herself to her feet , and her smile was pure joy . " i telephone . now ."
" no , that's a two-day journey both ways , no , you .
" the moneys ."

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. his kindness was unexpected , and i was still having trouble with kindness . it tened to reduce me ." yes . but i'm coming to terns with it and making my way ."
i need not have wasted my energy : chris's kindness was merely a vehicle for other consideration .
minty , it might be better if you were working for a bigger organization which would have more slack for someone in your predicament . a very real predicament ."
there was no point in getting angry . if i was to survive at paradox until such times as i wished to leave on my own terms . i could not be angry ." are you suggesting or telling me ?"
he smiled gently , and i could  not decide whether it was genuine or not ." friend , in this business it doesn't  help to have additional pressures . a company as tight as paradox needs to know it's functioning optimally with no unnecessary drag . you need to know that when problems arise , there is no problem in dealing with them , if you see what i mean ."
" sweet of you . chris ," i murmured .
in the ol;d days , i would have deploed sex - which nathan fell for . i would have opened my eyes , looked up from beneath the slids , and have made sure my cleavage  was in the correct line of sight . i might have said ." -how nice of you to take aninterest ," which would have introduced a faint chime of promise , sufficient to push chris off the track . i'm not saying that i have come to desptie such tactics , or would never use  them again , only that sex took time , the bys ewould be waiting for me .
instead i placed the last of my notes in my bad and fastened it ." chris , perhaps  it would be better not to pursure  this conversation . if you are trying to suggest that as a working mother . i'm a liability . it could get you into trouble ...."

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. the programs have to be honest and say things that most people only think . children do change you . you don't alwayus love them . parents do fail as arents . it is lonely ."
" any upside ?" asked chris .
'oh yes ," i replied ." plenty ." i felt my heart squezze .  " but i will leave that thetreatment  i had prepared and handed it to barry ." we want it fast  , colorful , daring , and i think BBC  1 should be target ."
chris frowned , barry gazed thoughtfully  , at kyoto rip .
" minty , thanks ," barry said ." not quite convinced , but i'll think about it . we'll talk ."
" think massive audience ." i said .
chris came into my office as i was shifting my paoers into order . he closred the door and leaned against it ." i wantd to chew the cud about a few things , minty ."
" sure ," i clicked off my computer screen . as i did so , i noticed that my wedding ring much looser and a vein running down my hand stood out in bas-relief . not a good sign , film  stars had hang lifts for less .
" you heard we got the carlton deal for the documentary on the pope ?" he snapped his fingers . " should boost the quarterly  fingures ."
" is that what you wanted to talk to me about ? i would love to talk about it but could we do it tomorrow ? i have to get home ."
chris levered himself away from the door and perched against my desk . suddenly , my small office was very cramped the hazed eyes gleamed ." you've bad a touch year , minty ."

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. " i think you're right ."
marcus 's rightness , however , was of no help to him ." what can she possibly gain with roger ? the dullness of such an existence .... and i'm the one who loved her , ot roger ."
with regret , i noted the past tense ." it's not dull , marcus ,"
i pointed out ," it's diffrent ."
barry stopped prowling and pointed at kyoto-rip  ." i'll take that one ." he pushed his face close to marcus 's ." now , you are sure i won't be throwing my money away ?"
marcus did not even blink ." nothing is vcertain ."
so that was how shiftaka had come to to grace the walls at paradox .
" minty ." barry finally came to an end ." do you want to go ahead ?"
i pulled my notes toward me ." okay . remember last year we discussed an idea for middle age . it didn't work . but this will . three-part series on being a parent . baby love . the format  ? each section to be an hour , featuring expert talking heads and personal experiences of parents . the programs will ask : what are the stresses and strains of being a parent ? can you ever prepare for it  ? how does it affect a man  or a woman physically  or emotionally  ? how sort of impact do children have on marriages , friendships ? how can if affect you if you become a stepparent to older children ? how do you manage as a lone parent ?"
good question . how do you manage a lone parent ?
chris raised an eyebrow  . then he clearedd his throat and made a note .
i continuted , " the trick will be to handle the materialin a fresh , bold manner , and to not be afraid to tackle the difficult  aspects of being a parent .

Người đầu tiên lên Mặt Trăng an nghỉ giữa đại dương

Theo Cơ quan hàng không vũ trụ Mỹ (NASA), hài cốt của phi hành gia huyền thoại người Mỹ Neil Armstrong đã được thủy táng trong một nghi thức đám tang trang trọng diễn ra hôm thứ Sáu (14/9), trên tàu hàng không mẫu hạm USS Philippine Sea giữa Đại Tây Dương.

Bà Carol Armstrong (đội mũ đen) tại buổi lễ thủy táng chồng là Neil Armstrong. Ảnh: NASA

Neil Armstrong – người đầu tiên đặt chân lên Mặt trăng ngày 21/7/1969 – đã qua đời hôm 25/8/2012 (thọ 82 tuổi) sau biến chứng từ ca phẫu thuật tim.

Trên tàu có trang bị một khẩu súng trường để nổ súng trong nghi lễ thủy táng. Tham dự nghi lễ có sự tham dự của vợ ông Neil Armstrong là bà Carol Armstrong và đội kèn tiễn biệt.

Bà Carol Armstrong thả bình đựng tro cốt Neil Armstrong xuống đại dương. Ảnh: NASA

Tham dự nghi lễ còn có ông Michael Collins và Buzz Aldrin – đồng nghiệp của Neil Armstrong trên chuyến bay của phi thuyền Apollo 11 – chặng cuối cùng trong đoạn đường dài khát vọng chinh phục Mặt trăng của con người.

Trước đó một ngày, NASA đã tổ chức lễ tưởng niệm ông ở thủ đô Washington.

Armstrong nổi tiếng toàn thế giới với phát biểu khi ông đặt chân lên Mặt trăng: “Đây là bước chân nhỏ của con người, nhưng lại là bước tiến vĩ đại của nhân loại”.

Thiên Nhiên

327 wivesbehavingbadly

. shiftaka's painting depicted an abstract , finger , half flesh , half skeleton , lying on a bed of glowing coals . the colors were voilent reds , the blacket of blacks , and a white background that could only be described as dirty . the label read  : KYOTO RIP  . te  jury  was still out as to whether . i consider shiftaka a good painter or not , but i am working hard on y " uneducated " eye , still , if barry thinks shiftaka is cutting edge , it was a bargain .
when i had taken barry to view it at marcus's gallery , marcus had been sitting  at the desk , head  bent over the laptop , at our entrance , he looked up and i was shocked  he appeared considerably  older than i remembered . he took a second  or two to place me and when he did  , there was an unmistakable  flare  of hope  in his eyes  , which was as quickly extinguished when it became obvious that i was  not gisela's envoy .
i introduced the two men and explained that barry was looking for an investment . marcus  swiung into professional mode - an ease of manner , patience , careful sizing up of a potential client - and i thought what a much nicer man he was  than roger .
while barry patrolled between the two rooms , marcus turned to me and asked , in his unexpectelly deep voice , " how 's gisela ?"
" fine , i think . i haven't  seen much of her lately ."
he choose not to indulge in small talk - another  factor  in his favor - and went straight to the point ." she didn't seem  to understand that i didn't want a wife . i wanted her . not someone who stockpiles jam and checks over  the dinner  menus , but when it came to a a decision , i think she preferred  it . gisela had got used to being a professional wife ."

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.       chapter  tweny-four
it was friday , four weeks before chrismas . in the meeting room at paradox  i watched the clock inch past five-thirty . barry was in full flow and was not going to stop . what he had to say was interesting but i wished he had said it earlier in the day .
chriss propped his head in one hand . during a pause , he looked up . he had spotted my sneaking for the clock ." are you in a hurry , minty ?"
"not at ll ," i replied coolily .
"we're coming to you in a minute , minty ." barry said .
in a feeble attempt to revcognize the season , syriol had draped a string of fairy lights over the picture on the wall . it was by shiftaka , and i had persuaded berry that it would be a good investment when he had decided to plogh aa portion of paradox's profits into an asset .( when i pointed out that his employees might be considered assets , barry grinned and said he needed fixed assets , )

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. if she ever needs it and asks you for help with the boys . or even if she doesn't ask you , please will you do it .?"
i put down the letter , picked up my bag , and got to my feet ." why didn't you tell me about this ? i know , i hurt you beyond words , but you should have told me ."
rose's respone was everything easier to bear ."
" yes , i suppose it would . but i wasn't tinking about you , minty ."
so rose had taken her revenge on me with her silence . and i could have expected no better and no less .
my head swam , and i wanted very badly to go home . i managed to say ." i never loved him properly . truly , probably . i was weeping openly ." it's in the letter ."
rose folded loving nathan the way he wanted . it was inevitable . there was no other way of surviving ."
we looked at each other . in that exchange lay past , which we had shared , mourned , and regretted . she picked up the padded envelope ." one more things . he asked theo to send this to me . i think it is a diary of sorts . i haven't read it , minty . or only a little bit . i couldn't  . i think you should take it .'"
she placed the evelop[e in my hands , and i peered inside . it was the missing notebook .
that too had gone to rose .
the hardest thing of all to govern is the heart , and i had finally understood that i could not blame nathan for struggle with his . if one's own nature  and impulses are unfathomable .then to read into other  minds to make sense of the  rage , passion , and loyaltis that he within them is impossible .
in our separate ways , rose , nathan , and i had cheated one another and in doing so , cheated ourselves ." i must try harder rose . to  make something out of this ," i said .
"yes ," she said ." yes, we must ."
on my return home , the boys , who had been watching for me at the window , ran out to fgreet me . i scooped them up and hustled them inside . i closed thre front door , leaned against it . and breathed in deeply .

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. oh ... go to cornwall . a million things ." my fingers pressed rose's ." i think he felt desperately a lone ."
rose took awway her hand  ." i'm going to show you a letter , minty ." she went over to the desk in the corner , picked up a padded postage packet , pulled out an evelope , and handed it over .
i spread out two closely writen sheets of writing paper ." my dearest rose..." "" dearest" meant closest to the hearyt ." i have no right to ask what i am going to ask , but i have an idea  iyt might be necessary . if you receive this letter , which i am lodging with theo ,  then i will have judged correctly  .
" i am writing to ask you to remember that you were once good friend with minty . if you are reading this  , it means she is on her own with the twins . of course , i have no idea  how long that it might be for . when i came over to see you in the flat . i asked you if you would be a guardian if anything should happen to me , , and to her  , and the boys were still underage , and you said you would consider it . i can't think of anyone beter to ask . it is a huge thing to lay on you , especially given our history , but i know through angd through , rose , and there is no one i trust more ..."
for  a moment , i i could not continue , " oh , nathan ..."
"are you okay ?" asked rose .
i noded ." all i can say in mitigation for my actionas toward you is that the complications of feelings and impulse us to strange places . they certainly took me away from you , whom i loved , to minty . but i loved minty too and i want to say the following , there is so much in her to admire ( you spotted it first   when you became friends ) and that still holds thrue . it has been diffuicult for her , and not as she expected , thus . i ask you again ,

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this is a man who's lost his stffing and brimstone , and the thought flashed through my mine that it was better to be dead than a failure ." i put down my wineglasss ." the question is , did i wish nathan's death on him , rose ?" did i ?"rose swirled her ewine round her glass ." when nathan left , i thioiught how much easier it would have been as a window . not as the dumped wife , for  a start , no one could have said it was my fault , unless  i'd fed him hamberger and chips every night . if he had died , the situation would have been easier to handle ."
"yes ."
"probably ," i conceded ." i wanted it and i reckoned loyaltty in the office was an old -fashioned concept ."
"and now ?"
i thouight of chris  sharpe ." much the same ." i looked down at the carpet  ." was nathan trying to humiliate me when he asked  that you be made aq  guardian ?"
"perhaps he was thinking of what's best for the boys ."
"perhaps ."
rose took my hand . the touch of her flash on mine was unexpected ." minty , what you don't understand is .... i had got away . final . at last . i had stopped dreaming about nathan . i wasn't about to involve myself in his life again . i had cut him off ."
i allowed my hand to rest in hers and told her what festered in mind mine ." i never loved him ,. rose , not truly . not , really truly . not heart , soul , body and mind . he knew he was getting older and wanted different things , and i was not  going to make it easy . if i'd loved him .

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, sam and poppy suffered . you may think that they were too old , but they weren't and they did , i blame you and nathn for that . there was nothing  , i could do to help them . you can't inflict your anger and regret on your children ." she twirled her glass between her fingers ." i won't let you ."
a tiny pulse beat in rose's temple and , no doubt , one did in mine . i fixed on the blank television screen  in the corner of the room ." i'm truly sorry about poppy and sam ." for good measure , i threw in , " poppy has taken it out on me . she's a fighter ."
rose bent down and picked up a mother -of-pearl button from the carpet ." thast 's poppy for you . and sam ? he's strugling a bit at the moment . i am a little worried about  him and jilly ...i want to be around to help , but i'm busy , earning a living  and getting  on with my life , and they have to sort themselve out .  ." her voice was  tender ." much ....much as i love them ." the tenderness excluded me . she continued in a kinder voice ." grief saps the confidence  , minty . i can tell you that . but itt can be fine , in the end . believe me ." she gestured at the room ." when nathan left , i felt i'd failed myself   and the children  , but i survived . it took blood and tears , but i did it ." she balanced the button on the palm of her hand ." nathan did what he wanted to do . i xfailed to see that he was changing as he grew older . and why shouldn't he have changed ? it was his right . but i didn't see it then . so , it was not all your fault , you know ."
rose was letting me off the hook , a little  . the wine had loosened my tongue ." roger and gisela gard came to dinner once . believe it or not , i was playing office politics . one of the twins  was naughty , and it was nathan who deal with it . i saw roger watching nathan , i could almost hear him thinking .

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. " i want to say sorry to you ," i confessed ." i did not realiz what i did until i had married nathan and had the boys . then it all looked different , particularly when i grasped how disapointed nathan was at times . he used to looked at me sometimes , and i could see how he hated what he'd done . it wasn't that he didn't care for me , but that he ealized how much he cared for the things that he had discarded ."
nathan had used rose badly . i had used rose badly . and i already knew the full import one's trnsgression do not really hit home until years after the event . the manuals don't mention that one , it was probably too complicated a suject for them to tackle .
" poor minty ," said rose , and her irony cut me to the quick  . she remembered hunchedover her wine ." you were welcome to him ." she admitted ." he had hurt me so much . sometimes , i i thought i ewould die of the hurt . but you know the aphorism : this too will pass  ? it's true - it does .. thank god . when he turned up here on the day he died , i disdn't make him particularly welcome . actually , i didn't want him here .i was busy  . he could see  that and was disappointed . but you know . i didn't feel i had any reason to put  myself out . i had spent so long shaking free . and nathan's problem were not mine ...i could no longer engage with him , not unwanted as you are dying is a terrible hard fact ....
she gave a choking sound ." for god's sake . he  left me , for you . remember ?"  she turned an anguished face toward me " remember ?"
"i  i think of it most of the time . never more so than now . rose made a visible effort ." you have the twins , to...sider .

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. she understood what i meant ." actually , yes ."
we exchanged a glnce . funnily enough , we do understand each other . rose put down her glass and said , " nathan and i were married for a long time . we knew each other very well . just as ... just as .... you and i do . it was easy to pick up conversations ." she got up and walked over to window ." my life with nathan was private until you came along . if our marriage had had patches and ares of blinness . it was ours and it worked , until you prized it apart . then everyone took a good look , andit was open house ." she turned round and stared at me , calm and stead ." you must admit that i don't own you anything , minty , no explanations . no loyalty ."
i cried out ." nathan came here because he wanted comfort and conversation . he didn't find them with me . your bed would have been a natureal progression ."
she leaned her forehead against the curtain and sighed wearily ." why don't you stop now and let it go ."
"because i'm angry with myself . rose . but i'm also angry with nathan ."
" oh minty , won't you leave him alone . give him some peace ."
"you're rght , i should not be here ."
" quite ," she said coldly . she ppoured a second glass of wine and hugged it to her chest . i made no move , and she said . "aren't you going ? go ."
what did the self -help manuals have to say on the suject of the second wife  apologizing to the first ? those books that so encouraged people to believe they could get a grip on their lives and make changes , that concocted dazzling fantasies of solution and forgiveness , and other castle in the air ?

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. i don't have to discuss anything with you and i i certainly don't feel i have to  help you sort thing out ."
she got up and disappeared on a tray ." you 'd better have some of this . hal brought it from italy ."
as i accepted the glass , my blouse , which was cut tight into the torso , dug into the flesh under my arm ." the boys ask after yoy  . quite a lot , actually ."
quick as lightning . i picked up the flash of delight that lit her face . " the boys.... " her voice was off soft , almost possessive ." they are sweet ."
my instinct was to hiss : keep off my sons . i looked down at myu hands  and struggled for mastery ." old friendships and old loyalties , do you remember ? you talked about how hard it is to shake them off ?"
she smiled grimly . ' believe me , i could shake you  off , minty , with , with no trouble at all . it would not take much ."
she meant it , and flushed , not with her husband , i was , i was culpable , pitiaable , and all the other thingss that rose cared to name . and yet , all those years ago , i had witnessed her rush into the office , too-oink lipstick smudged , her sweater ill fitting , swearing that  nathan / the children had been difficult / demanding / cross . i used to think she deserved the pity .
i drank my wine and looked around the room . in its calm , ordered magnolia and cream with blue touches here and there , it reflected what rose had become . it was a room that . it was a room that  was arranged entirely to the satisfaction of its occupant ." there are advantages to living alone , " i remember .

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. old ground for you , perhaps ." i closed my eyes for a second ." but nathan didn't like it , and it was a source of friction ."
" for god's sake . minty . what do you want from me ?"
"i suppose..... " i said miserably ." i want to tell you that he wasn't really happy with me . and that he regretted leaving you ." i hesitated and then forced out the words through gritted teeth ." id he come back into my bed ?" rose made a noise between a laugh and a gasp , but i ploughed on ." nathan had been there so many times before ..." yes , he has shared the eeryday language of small noises and touch with rose . he had listened o her breathing in the nightr  , heard her clean her teeth , fill the kettle ..." it wouldn't have been such a big step ." rose held up a hand to stop me , but i ignored it . " i could never share the long history you had with him . i could never compete . you were always there . ahead  of me . always ."
" stop it , minty ."
i had wit enough left to obey her .
rose flashed a wry smile ." i want never gets ." it was a saying we had used oftewn in the office . once . years ago . timon , the editor , had always wanted more books , fewer books , different ones . i want never gets , except in that case , i want usually did get . she continued ,' when nathan first told me he was having an affair , they should  be very clever and very secret . i still believe that ."
"nevertheless , i need to know ."
rose's smile had vanished , she leaned toward me to emphasize her point  , and i smelled her jasmine seent ." i don't have to tell you anything , minty ." she spoke withiout malice , most gently .' fyou lost the right to my confidences long ago .

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.  then i hired you and i brought yoou home to meet him over a spaghetti supper , you know the rest of the hisory ."
"no," i said ." that's not what what i am asking ."
rose was keeping something back .. the light played on her honey  hair and creamy skin . in the past , nathan had touched that hair and skin . they had belonged to him ,
thirsty and burning with humiliation , i asked the question that had to be asked ." rose , did you take nathan back as a lover ?"
rose shifted in the chair . slender  but not too slender , toned and groomed - she was a world away from the frazzled working mother whom i first encountered  in vistemax office . yet she was vulnerable too . of corse nathan would have wanted her back .
she placed her hand on her chest , in the region of the heart ." if feels like a stone on my chest , mourning nathan , like a gigantic attack of indigestion ."
" i know ," i said .
we could ask each other , do you weep for him , like i do ?
" do you ?"
" you're not nswering the question ."
" that because . i'm not going to ."
i bit my lip ." tell me , rose . what was it you and nathan decided ?"
" he said you were ambitious ."
" so was he at my age . so were you . you had a fight  with him about going back to work ."
the and on her hest curled into a ball ." it's irrelevant now . old , old ground and i don't wish to go over it ."

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. the sitting room was a mass of flowers . rose explained  , " i've just landed a one-off slot on a gardening series for television , " she ecplained ." i'm doing small city gardns , people have been kind and sent flowers ."
" who with ?"
the activities channel , but it's being made by papillon . it probably won't get a large audience , but you have to grab these opprtunities , anyway , it will be fun ."
"papillon ? that must be deb . ," i glanced at the label on a huge bunch of lilies which read : love from hal ." " how is hal ?" i asked .
" fine busy ."
"i often wondered if you 'd marry him ."
" as it happens , he has asked me ." rose pointed to the blue chair ." sit down , minty .?"
i avoided the blue chair where nathan had died and sat on the sofa ." why not marry hal ?"
"i like what i am , i'm fine as i am . i don't want to change anything ." rose replied  , but her voice was not entirely steady ." hal's the sort of person in a life who never leaves you and he hasn't . so .... " she fell silent  . " i don't want the disruption . i've got used to thnking of myself as independent ." a flash of uncertainty and doubt ." it's difficult you want to say , then go ,m let's not waste each other's  tiime ."
my mouth and throat were dry , but i could not bring myself to ask her for a frink ." i want to know about you and nathan ."
" nathan and i were married . we had two childrren . i had a good job .

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. i was ashamed and devastated by the revelation , and also , curiously , calm because everything was now crytal clear .
nathan would never let go of hs past life . could never let go .
he followed me into the litchen ." minty , this has got to stop , i can't pretend i didn't have poppy , and sam ."
"no ," i said .
upstair , one or other of the twins called out . as one , nathan and i turned our head in thedirection of the child's cry .
" you or me ?" asked nathan .
on that at least we were united .
now , in the kitchen , i ran hot water inti the sink , and plunged my chilled hands into it , then i boiled the kettle and took a cup of chamomile tea up to bed .
i swtched off the light  and lay down . after a while . i put out my arm and let it rest in the space that nathan should have occupied .
rose did not reply to the messagesd i left on her answere phone .
i allowed two days to elapse . after that , i took myself round to her flat  after work .
she answereed the door . she was dressed in a skirt i recognized from prada , a leopard -print cardigan , and a necklace of large wooden heads , she looked wonderful and not very surprised ." i suspected you'd turn up , sooner or later ."
she did not invite me in , so i summoned my best brand of gall ." you didn't answere my calls . i've come to sort things out ."
rose kept her hand on the door , and said ," rose , if we get this over and done with , then it will be over and done with "
eventually she stepped aside ."  come in ."

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. i was on the old switchback again .
i went to make some tea in te kitchen and , on the way , glanced up at the landing , where the ironing board was and where rose , when she lived here , had used to have her desk . she was still in this house , nathan too .
i put the kettle on , unlocked the back door , and went outside into the summer night .
what had nathan and rose decided between them ?
i sat down on the bench and ran my fingernail along the table .there was lichen  growing oppsite me at this table . we had been married for three years and one day . because it was such a warm  evening , we were having  supper of seafood pasta ( i was eating the seafood without the pasta ) outside and we had  embarked on a negotiation at to where we should take a holiday .
"i want somewhere hot ." i said ats i always did , so my pitch held no surprises .
he dug his fork into the pasta , iwrled it expertly , then lifted it to his mouth ." and i want to go to cornwall ," he said as he always did .
"i've looked up a place on rhodes . nice villa by the sea . the boys would like it ."
" the boys are too young . when we took sam and poppy ..." nathan did not  continute . he put down his fork and looked everywhere but at me .
that was the moment when a voice in me articulated clearly ." do you realized you have taken enough history to fill a library ?"
i got up , went insible , and rattled in the cupboard for salt .

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.              chapte twenty-one
i worked late into the night on the resurrected middle age idea ." if we accept that is an artificial constuct ." i wrote in my notes ," then what matters is experience . experience is what tempers us and helps us to carry our mistakes . it also helps us to understand that death , which is waiting informs life ."
was that correct ? did i believe it ? as a theory , it souned good and convincing , and the people to whom it applied were the cream of the crop ,: the rounded complete , mature person alities . it would be nice to say that i was counteed among them .
i pushed aside the notes . the idea required further work as it was still gestating . it needed time to grow its wings .
i rubbed my eyes a cut - goodness knew when that would be posssible.
what had nathan been right about ?
what had he and roser agreed about me ?

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. " yes , you were . felix and i are hoarse from shouting ."
she placed a finger opn the rosette pinned to his shirt .
" lukey ..." i said , feeling the flam of jealousy ." hallo . let me see your rosette ."
lucas looked up at me ." you didn't come , mummy ." he frowned and turned back to rose .
rose read my thoughts . she could almost have said : but you took nathan . instead , she raised a cool pair of eyebrows and murmured to lucas ." have you said ballo to mummy ?"
i clasped lucas to me hard . i do not know why i  did not choose to defend myself and explain to rose why i had been late ,. there was no reason to defend poppy , except , perhaps , for a curius loyalt .
rose stacked the plastic pinnic plates and mugs . she swept up the potato and stowed them in the cool bag .
" have you eaten ?  there 's a sandwich left ."
" no , thank you ." my voice shook .
rose's self -command was perfect . she dusted a shard of potato chip from her finger ." now that you have turned up , i thnk perhapa i shoul;d go ." she picked up a canvas bag and hitched the handdle over her shoulder .a couple of yards away , a toddler was roaring for its mother , a posse of children was playing tag , darting between  the spread rugs , and one of the teachers was telling off a sullen girl with scrggly braids ." it's a long time since i've been at a sports day ." rose pointed at the roaring toddler ."." presumably ,  it has a mother ? by the way ..." she hesitated ." minty , i don't know what what you'd say to this , but felix has been going you one ? i knowa source ."
" no , " i said flatly ." no kittens , no cats ."" okay , it's just  that it might help felix ...."
" perhaps we shouldn't  repeated this ," i said ." it 's too difficult . .i'm sorry . iever involved you with the boys ."
" how silly , minty ." suddenly an angry red patch appeared on rose's of a moment ago to someone who was serious angry .
" it can't do any harm , and i'm inteerested in them . i like them ."
"even so . roe ."
"nathan was right ."
"and what was he so right about ? what did you both conclude during your cozy chats ?"
rose stared at me , and her features hardened into acute dislike ." nothing ." she hitched the strap of her bag farther up her shoulder and walked away .

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. really , really worth it , " she repeated ." lucas was ...a little rtearful . he won the egg and spoon . you know ."
i knmew what rose was thinking . hell-bent on pursing my career . i was prepared to sacrifice  my sons ' happiness and welfare ." oh , come on . rose , you know as well as i do what happens in the office . you told me that whenever samk and poppy had a carol service or sports day , or whatever , there was a last-minute panic or hopld-up at  vistemax that made you late .
rose had always been fair ," true "
i squinted to where lucas was at the center of thye games mistress 's huddle ." what's going on ?"
" a dispute second and third in the twenty-meteer race ."
the suggestion was thaqt i should know what was going on . " you know , he was so hoping you'd turn up in time to see him run , they both were ." shje paused and said , " but you were carrying on in your own sweet way , minty ."
" sometimes you sound like nathan ." i remarked .
at that , she flinched and reflected for a moment . " but nathan would have sons at sports day ." " she shaded her eyes and looked over at lucas ." at least . that was the sort of thig he said to me ."
" rose , i did not want to be late ."
felix tilted back his head ." are you talking about my daddy ?" he blinked his blue eyes ." did daddy run in races ?"
" i'm pretty sure he did , felix "  there was a proprietorial note , the windmill in full sail . he was grubby and happy . he brushed past without seeing me , and flung himself against rose  . " i was very fast ."

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. it was hot and sunny , and children in blue shorts and red jersey hoodies ran about like ants on speed . it took me two seconds  to locate rose in the crowd . she was sitting on a tartan rug with felix with an open cool bag between them . her full pink skirt was the color of a flower  eve was sitting with another group a little way , chatting with a friend . a similar tyablean was repeated ad infinitum  : tartan rugs , open cool bags from which disgorged potato chips , slices of cold pizza , and fruit juices , plus bottles of wine to save the adults' saanity .
rose waved a cocktail sausage in the air and said something to felix , who laughed so hard that he fell back onto thfe rug and kicked his legs in the air . he always threw himself backwarde when i made a joke , but i had not seen him laugh like that for a long time .
" hallo , " i collapsed onto the rug beside them . rose was cool ." hallo , minty . lucas is over there ." she pointed to a knot clustered around the games mistress , " he did well ."
felix pulled at my jacket ." hey , careful ." . i bent over to kiss him . he was hot and sweatyy , and smelled of wine gums and orange juice , which  was not particular enticing , but it  was dearer to me than  anything i could think of at this precise moment ." how did you do ?" . i whjispered .
he pressed his mouth to my ear , and the roar  of his breath assaulted my ear drum ." i came in tenth , mummy ."
rose gazed into the middle  distance . a couple of teams were conducting an impromtu tug -of-war . " thje boys kept asking where you were ." she added ." whatever it was . i ho[pe it was worth it ."
"i do too ." i echoed , fervently .

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. i reached for my handbag for my checkbook ." look , why don't lend you some for the moment . it will stave off some of the problem  , and then you ad  i will go and see theo . he is bound to confidentiality ."
poppy raised  her head ," would you do that ?"
her atonishment was -  almost - offensive  but funnily enough , i understand ," yes ."
" okay , thanks ." tears streamed down poppy's cheeks ." i'm a  mess , minty . that's what i am , and what do i do about it ?"
egg-spoon race . next up the sack race . felix was in that one . i i hauled my notebook out of my bag ." actually , poppy , i've done some research on counseling ."
"counseling ," she was dismissive .
i  STared a her ." are you serious or not ?"
pooppy did not answere  , i grabbed her wrist , hauled her out of paradox  , hailed the first taxi , and ordered him to drive to an address in souh kensington ." i'm taking you to a counselor  who is highly  recommened . when  we get there . poppy  , you are going to make an appointment  and i'm going to watch you do it ."
by the time i arrived at the common , the races had been run ,  te rosettles pinned onto chests , and the picnic were in ful twing .
there was the usual melee of parents , mostly  mothers , with one or two progressive , unemployed  or browbeaten fathers . an are of the common  had been held down by several  silver cups . their  status came under the heading of reprieved the cups were the relic of an earth era , and there had been much solemn debate among the staff at to wheter competive races should be allowed .

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. she shook her head . " i have to deal with it myself . it was a mistake , and just because .i'm married  to richard it doesn't mean he has to know every thing about me ." she fingered her handbag strap ." my poker debt is a private matter ."
" what about your mother ? she would understand ."
" you don't know mum ," poppy said  miserably ." she's  not forgiving on some things . what i need  is the money dad left me , then i can pay off my debt and i won't bother you again .
" theo's still wrestling with the inland revenue ,  there were a couple of problem that no one could iron out to do with the money your father inherited from your grandmother ."
i was curious ." why did you dio it ? , poppy ?"
she shrugged ." it was exciting  , i thought  i could hear the system  . al;l the usual  excuses  ." she observed a point  on the wall  ." so  horing and predictable .
 she was so agitated that i got up and went over to  the water cooler and ran out a mugfurl . i pressed it into  her hands " you know , it's all perfectly manageable ."
barry walked down the corridor and raised an eyebrow , i made a nondescript gesture , and he disappeared . i glanced at my watch . time was leapfrogging , and lucas was due to run in the eg and spoon .
poppy noticed the gesture . "i'm sorry to bother you , minty , i know you're busy ." tjhe concession was to unexpected that  i sat down beside her with a thump ." i don't understand , minty , why i was caught , then i think , i wanted to be caught by it .... then i thought , i can give it up anytime . but i couldn't i thought i was bigger than it was , oh , what the hell ... what the hell ."
there were not much slack in my finces , but sufficient  to take a temporary  knock .

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. that's for your race mummy ."
"right ...." i wrestled with lucas and the t-shirt .
felix was cattaloguing his kit ." " there are my shorts . these are my shoes ..."
" very good boys , " i said ." brilliant ." i sat down on lucas  's bed ." do you know how early it is ?"
felix had finished  his inventory  and was hopping around with his pajama bottoms round his ankles . " you will come , mumy , won't you ?"
i rubbed my eyes ." of course ," i said .
at paradox , i worked solidly , through the morning and i got ready to leave on time , armed with  the file entitle statistical analysit of depression in females , 40-65 . then syriol called ." visitor for you , minty ."
a wan , appreciably thinner poppy say on of the seats , leafing through television wekly . at my approach , the thew aside the magazined  and leaped to her feet ." hi . i'm sorry to do this to you , but hve you any news from theo ?"
" no , it's taking a heck of time ,but there's nothing i can do ."
poppy looked  at thought she might faint ." oh , god , minty ."
she had tied her hair  back savagely . it di not suite her .
" here ," i said  ," sit down ."
" i kee thinking dad would have so hated me for this . he was always  so careful and taught me to  be caqreful , and it's haunting me . i can't get this picture out of my head that he's tthinking i've let him down ." she wrapped a piece of skirt around  her fingers , bandage style ." i hate to drink he would be  disappointed in me ."
" you have got to talk to richardxd poppy ."

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. it was agreed . rose wold come early to watch the opening events  with eve , and i would join them for those  in which felix  and  lucas were competing  -  the sack race , egg , and spoon ,  sprint , high jump . there was , in addition , a dire formof advanced torture called the parents ' race , which lucas informed me , i was exp0ected  to win .
sports day minus twelve hours . felix and lucas dragged me into the garden after their supper . they wanted to practice running and ther three -legged race . i priotested that they would get indigestion but felix pulled at my arm and said ," olease ."
thus it was i found myself  standing  patiently- an adverb that had many nuances - with my watch in my hand as the boys pelted  up and down the lawn  until lucas turned pale and announced he felt sick .
sports day minus five hours . the starlings were roosting outside  the bedroom door again . it was five to six in the morning . lucas snuck into the room and climbed onto the bed and nuzzled me ." mummy , you must come ."
" why ?" i squinted at him . he was in his dressing gown .
" come and see . persisted the voice in my car .
somehow . i got out of bed and stumbled into the boys ' room .there , neatly laid out on his bed , was felix's  sport kit . t-shirt , navy blue shorts  , white  plimsolls , and white socks , " have i got it right , mumy ?" he asked .
luicas said , " look at me ," and tore off hit dressing gown . he was wearing his - but his t-shirt was back to front . he mimed a couple of air punches and dropped to one knee " ready , stteady ...go ."
" come here , lukey . you've got your t-shirt on wrong "
felix scrabbled under the bed and , with an air of triumph  produced my trainers , which he must taken from wardrobe , and laid them at my feet .

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. i threw myself into administration . i wrote letters to the bank . i had several long conversation with theo , i researched addiction counselors . i paid bills . i rearranged the furniture in the sitting room and my bedroom  so that  the house took on a different aspect . nathan 's study had been transformed into a cozy , feminine space . my papers were on the notice board  school rotas . work schedules  , those lists .
my clothes occupied the total space avaible in'on the wardrobes  / dtrawers / pegs . my bottles  occupied the shelf in the bathroom . upstairs in the attic  a cardboard box contained nathan 's razor , a shaving brush made  from badgerss' hair a hair brush and a new comb still  in its  plastic wrapping . there they would wait until i gave them to felix and lucas .
i lay awake and cvounted the ghosts . i had been wrong . there  it some kind of justice for no one ever escape anyone else . nathan  never got away from rose . rose never got away from hal . rose and i never got away from each other .
after rose had been sacked at books editor , and i had taken over , iplotted how  cleverly  i would achieve a transformation and spice up the pages and transform them . my books pages  would fizz with new ideas . yet when  timom sacked me  , he damned my efforts . " in the end  , minty   , you hadn't done anyting to write home  about . your pages were nothing new ."
rose tld me that the suffered torment and anguish over hal , her first lover . but thee memoies also held moments of such sweetness and ectasy that she carried them with her aways . i do not posses memories such as those , but rose's were like fragrant saches tucked into a frawer . i envied her .
my reply to rose took me a long time to write , and the words were bottlenecked at the end of my pen ." would you like to come to sports day at the boys ' school ?"

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. " i did not agree to be hAULED OUT  OF AN IMPORTANT BRIEFING MEETING TO YOU  could tell me what is blindingly obvious ."
" nevertheless ."
to my surprise  he reached over and took my hands . " it was well done , minty ."
i let my hands rest  in his , i knew perfectly well that whatever i said  or advised  would have very little influence on him ,. but i had said  and would continute  to say it ." on second thought , martin , tell paige it's for her sake too . do it ."
i left him by the state -of-the -art elevators , which would whisk him back up to the nineteenth floor  , and headfed out of the door .
a postcard arrived in the post ." dear minty i enjoyed seeing the boys and i wondered ..." there was a space between  " wondered  " and " if i could see them again ?  i would love to take thjem to the zoo or to the ciment perhaps . rose ."
the card did not exude confidece . the writing was hesitant and the wording suggested  thjat it had been written against rose's betterr  judgment . but in her sending and my receiving an element shifted in the balasnce between us .
a week elapsed before i responded  .
at paradox , i chipped away at the final details for pointe of departure and toyed with the notion of developiing a history of choreography but discarded it . deb announed  that she was off to work for papillon and when i told her how sorry i was , she replied .". oh  i don't habve time to hang around anymore ."
the mention of time got me thinking about the abandoned middle -age    project , and i retrieved it from my reject file and dusted it off .

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. i warned paige  that the was becoming  obsessed . but ..." " - he now gave me a steady look the i am a rock one in which nathan had s[pecialized - " i woul;d never have left of my  own accord ."
i countered ." paige has had a baby ,, she 's weak . her hormones are all over the place , and she's not thinking straight ."
to my actute distress  , martin 's eyes filled ." don't mind me  ." he muttered ." but could you top  right there ."
i made a rapid reconnaissance of the room .  no one  had noticed martin 's tears . had it been taken   on board by beady eyed rivals , it would have  done him no good .  a group of bankers in pinstriped stirs plodded in , they were all as plump  as pullets and spoke to each other in low , earnest tones  , i jabbed a finger in their direction ." doesn't look that fun working here ."
"it isn't ." he shaded his eyes with a hand ." nothing's much fun these days  ."
" you could put things right  ."
martin pulled himself together ." as a matter of interest , minty , why are  you taking this view ?"  he meant why should you  , the wrecker  , argue  so strongly  for family  unity ? i might have taken  offense but i had grown to my label ." i have two small boys ," i said .
he directed a countenance so full of woe at me that i was forced to look down at  my coffee  cup ." just back in , martin . tell paige she's wrong and that yopu  won't have a broken backed family . tell her it's for the children 's sake ."

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. i rang martin  and arranged to meet him the following after noon at the bank ." minty, is this urgent ? i have a big convention in geneva and i'm  traveling  for the next  couple  of weeks . but if you really need to see me i can fit you  in at two -thirty ."
to his credit , martin was on time . which did not give me much opportunity to study  the building 's stunning  glass atrium . he stepped out of a bit . kissed my cheek , and steered me down the corridor . " this had better be good ."
" you asked me to keep  an eye on paige ."
"ah my wife ." for all the lightness of tone , martin was on the alert . he led  the into the canteen , which was more like  a banqueting  hall . did the equivalent of clicking his fingers . and lo and behold . we were presented with  freshly made espressos . hot milk , and a cantuced biscuit . living with his mother  was doing him no harm physically  for , unlike his wife . he wasimmaculate , slim , and healthy complexiouned .
i  could never resist cantucci , i dipped mine into expresso and bit into it with the special  pleasure reserved for the forbidden ." martin ,  you must go home ."
he frowned ." sge threw me oyut . remember ?"
" she 's just had a baby , we've agreed you're hald mad when you've  had a baby . you stay half mad  , i reckon , until they're adults , paige is half mad anyway ." martin snort ed ." she won't listen to me because i'm  a sinner .. or , at least , she won't take my advice ." i stared longingly at martin 's cantucci and , obediently  ,  he handed it over .
" the children  , martin .... they'll be suffering from all this . they may not show it . but they will be ." i included  my own  in  the generalization , which made the declaration even more impassioned . if felix or lucas hurt ." do you really bate them ?"
"is that what oaige says ? " martin frowned  ." i knew  before they arrived it would be tricky  , but  even i was  surprised by how impossible it became .

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. it was unheard of for paige to have doubts ." p[aige . have you been in touch with martin as all . "
" tell you what ask me about lara 's arabesques instead ."
" paige  . have you been in touch with martin ?"
" minty . don't interfere . okay ?"
i raised  my eyes to the ceiling ." how are lara's arabesque ?"
" funnily enough , very good . she has an excellent line . but she's let down a bit by her feet . pats of butter . unfortuntely  . but we'll get to work on them ."
i felt sorry for the framshackle , terrorized lara . from now on , her feet  would not be her own .at the other  end of the phone paige sighed  heavily  ; a sound  filled with despair  and uncertainty ; and i weighed in  . " you have got to think again about matin ."
"i think about  him , minty  all the time . and i am very fond of him , very . but i have n't time to be married . not with three children . not if i'm  to do things properly ."
"paige , haven't you eaten today ?"
" eaten ? not much  , i'm far too busy . and before you ask , no . i'm not sleeping  well . i know  you think , i've gone mad with  postnatal depression  and  maybe  i have . but at  the best  of times , martin  is a reluctant father . he doesn't enjoy it . he hates the house being full of children . now , who's the one with a psycfhsis .?'
"all the same , he needs to be there ."
there was an omious silence . " minty . i'm not sure about  lectures from you ."
" where is he living ?"
" at his mother's  she 's put him in the attic  bedroom for the time being ."

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.     chapter twenty - two
when i turned out the pocket of my black linen  trousers . i discovered the sprig of the plant . i had picked at claire manor  it was brittle and withered  , with only faint traces of the vivid blue  that had attracted me . intrigued  . i looked it up  in one nathan 's books . it was called nepera and  its  old nickname was rattlesmintes . so powerful was its attraction to cats that infant  seedling had to be protected against them .
 the phone rang as i  i was  reading about catmint ." if you set it , the cats will get it / it  you sow it  . the cats won't know it ."
" i know i'm not talking  to you ." said paige .
"okay , i said ." i'm not asking  you how the baby is . "
" he 's developing into a bit of a screamer ." her voice wavered ." i've never been so exhausted ." for paige to admit my thing  of the sort was serious ." three children , and i have to turn them into human beings without  turning  into a monster myself ." her voice veered up the scale ."  it's so tough that i someties wonder ."

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. after a while , i put it aside and took down his favorite gray suit and laid it on the bed , into the jacket , i fucked his favorite  blue office shirt . round  the collar went the tie , and red silk . apair  of silk socks and polished shoes completed the ensemble .
there , this was the shell  of nathan . i could pretend he was there , learning against  the pillows , hands folded  behind his head . minty , wil you  please pay attention .... pillow punched . shoes eased off and discarded . minty , what do you think ?
the bag for the charity shop was on the floor . if i removed the tie from the shell  and placed  it in the bag  , then a part of nathan  was gone .. if i took out the shirt  , as i now did , and folded it carefully , then another bit of him had vanished . the shoes ... the shoes ? if i dropped them into the bag , then if  would be impossible for nathan  ever  to walk into number  7 and run up the stairs - where are my boys ?
and with the suite went the businessman who formulated  strategies and said our competitors are really strong , let us give them a hard time .
" when i married nathan ? "  rose confided to me at one of our lunches in the early days . " i was broken - hearted  from a love affair that had gone wrong . but  nathan was so anxious to make me happy , how could i resist  ? he was a rock  , and hal was unrehable and what more could i ask ?"
i was not so  convinced by by rose's capacity to sort out the rock from the sand . this was a woman who , she also confided to me  , used to slip into  sr. benedictss . if that was not building a home on sand , i didn't know what was .
" hal could never be what i wanted ." rose added ." we both knew it . but natha was .
downstairs , one of the twins criedd out . i swept  the sun into the bag and went to find out which one .felix had had a bad dream ." mummy , there was a big cat with big claws and he wads trying to claw me ...."
i drew his hot  little body close and whispered ." it's  all right . felix , mummy 's here . i've chased the bad cat away look it's gone ."
it was not all right , yet as i soothed my son with this lie . i took a curious pleasure and pride in its construction , until the boys were big and bold enough to know better , it was my business to shield them from the worsty .

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. " and you really are a mummy ."
i stared at the snarled traffic  ." i really am a mummy ."
when we got back , evw  was in the kitchen  . she looked a  lot stronger  , even  if her clothes  hung off her ." i make  supper ." she said  and  when i tried to stop her , she held up her hand ." i do ."
i helped her to cut  cucumber and carrot  sticks  and to hear  the fish pie . she moved tiredly  , painfully  slowly , but with determination . afterward  , she insisted  on clearing up  . she  raised  her normally  indifferent eyes  to mine , and  in them  sparked gratitude . " you are nice , minty ."
during the bad nights  . i had  been getting rid of nathan  . it should  have been  a logical  process  - nathan wa no longer  here to wear  his shirts ,  socks , shoes , and ties  , and they were easy  to sort and easy  to pack  .but their disposal  defied  logic  . sometimes i managed to clear a drawer  , sometimes it  was beyond  me . it was  a process that  had to be secrer  because  i did not wish  the boys  to witness it and because it hurt  , so i accomplished it in front and starts , by  dark and stealthily  during those nights .
it was a quarter  to two when i got myself  out of bed  and opened the doors to nathan 's wardrobe  . already a light  dust  coated the contents . there were  ties , blue , red and green  . a  scarf was jammed onto the shelf   and i piccked  it up . it was an expensive one , and i caught the fainted  echo of his altershave  . the sensation of a sharp  instrument  striking through my breast  made me gasp . i sank  back down  on  the bed  , holding  it between  fingers from  which the feeling had drained .
nathan was dead .

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. she put down the teapot  ." you know what they say about addicts  ? if you take away  the addiction  and the fuss around  it . then three is nothing left to fill the day ."
" carity work ?"
it was as bad  a joke as  nathan  would have made . gisela  marriaged  a wintry  smiles  ." then i would be truly  dead  ." she pointed  to te cushion  ." french eighteenth  century  . note the superb  vegetables dyes ."
" noted  .' i had half an ear  listening  for the twins and  whether  they were  creating  mathem with angels .
 gisela  traced  the outline  of  the wounded  stag  on the cishion  with  a finger on which  gleamed  an  important  diamond  ring  ." i had  become used  to a setup  where  everything  on the surface  appeared  straightforward  but wasn't  and only  i knew about  it . there was  an edge  to  my life  like  the hem  on  a garnment . i couls say to myself , i'm  married   to nicholas  or richmont  of roger  , but  i have  the option  to pack my bags ...."
she laughed  bitterly ." the trouble is , since i've told  marcus to go , ispend all my time thinking  about him in a way i never did when he was  on the scene ."
"oh  , dear ," i said ." " that's bad  . you've got guilt plus the grass  -it- greener syndrome rolled into one ."
gisela  was startled ." what do you mean ?"
"it's a stubborn , pesky  illness that won't go away ."
" how do you know ?"
" i am intimately acquainted with it ." i said .
in the car on the way back , felix piped up ." if you don't have a daddy , dose that mean we are not a family ?"
"no , felix . you can be a family  without a daddy ."

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. it was nice of her to mention it . but i wondered if she meant it ." have you heard from marcus ?"
at his name , she leaped to her feet ." no , i haven't "
i wanted foe more  information  , buy gisela  had retreated  into painful refflections . the scene  on the  tapestry cushion  at my right elbow depicted  hunters  in the forest and a wounded  white  stag . the forest had been woven with little animals and flowers .' are you angry , by any chance , gisela ?"
"i' am and i'm not . ' gisela  took up a position  by the long window  and fingered the curtain tieback ." okay , i'll  say this . in the end  , i felt i had no choice . i'm married  to roger  and i can't just break a vow as easiy as marcus suggests ."
this shone a new , fasinating  light on the situation ." gisela  , since when have you minded  about marriage vows ?"
she tossed her head ." " you've read me wrong , minty . i always  observed  the contract . i did exactly  what was  expected and what  i underlook to do  . marriage is a business  , not some mystical revelation ." she fiddled some more with  the tieback .
in the end  . it was a choice . that what 's upset me ....a little . i did not have it in me to  consider  the alternative  with marcus  to  what i have now  ,  with  roger  . i could not  see  it ."
"ah "
" dose that make me dead ?"
i  hazarded  a shrewd  guess  ." it that what marcus  said ?"
gisela  smiled bleakly ." something al;ong those lines . but  it's done  ." she returned  to her seat , and i watched  her slip back  into the hostess 's skin , straightening her skin and lifting  the teapot  . " more ?"
gisela 's  pact with the devil had not made her happy ." are you sure ?"

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. "felix . no ." she said sharply  when felix picked up one of the cushion  . " it's very old  and valuaables . " her attention  veered to lucas , who discovered that the aubussion rug cancealed  an exciting piece of parquet  on which to slice .
i  called the twins to heel but they were restless  uneasy , and disuinclined to obey . this had been a pattern for the last few days and i was fighting to comes to grips with  a . lucas  happened to be standing closest  to gisela whwn he sneezed fulsomely . i hastened to pass him a tissue , which after he had used it . he offered to gisela with the his sweetest smiles .  gisela recoiled ." why don't i ring  for angles and she can give them tea in the kitchen  ?"
roger put in a brief appearance on his way to a golf club gathering  . he advanced into the room in a hearty  manner and kissed  my cheek ." so good to see you  ." he murmured one eye on his wife  . ." i hope everything 's under control . " he looked healthy  and weathy , but not particularly  rested  or happy .
i was tempted to punish him  with a catalog  of what was not going well  but spared him . more than once over the past few  weeks as  refected  on what had  happened to nathan  , it had occurred to me that roger - for all his power and success - was as likely to be done to , as often as he did by . sooner or later  . roger 's career would end .
after he had left , and angela had brought in tea and chocolate cake and taken the boys  away  . gisela asked after paradox and the job . i put down my cup  into my saucer ." i have a fight on my hands ." i said .' i'm going to need every ounce of guile  i possess ."
gisela cut a minute slice of chocolate  vcake and arranged it on her plate ." i appreciate how difficult  it must be for you  minty . i admire how you're handling everything ."

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. " don't be silly ; eve . the boys need you and they are very fond of you . i need you for the boys , so will you please concentrate on getting better ?"
as i climbed the stairs  to her room  in the evening , bearing  a meal tray i wondered  what  nathan  would make of me now .
at paradox . i had taken to draping a jacket ( which i changed every two days over the back  of my chair and leaving it there . this was to encourage anyone glanceing into my office in the early  morning or late  evening  to conclude that i was already  '/ still at work  . t typed out a list of so-called  lunch meetings in twenty-point bold garamond and struck it onto the side of my computer screen . in actual fact , i was sacrificing  a proporttion  of the family 's weekly budget on taxis so that i could race back to lakey street to feel eve . it was a killing schedule , but i had a discovered a quirk in my psyche . i did not mind putting myself out .
barry and chris had developed an unhealthy symbious /" chris thinks my thought and walks my walks , " barry anounouced during an ideas meeting that chris had dominated .
deb went pale and stared  hard at the coffee machine ."i'm looking for a new jchris had not looked at deb , he gathered up his papers and waggled his fingers ." see you later , guys ."
barry followed him ,  ." ." leaving deb and me at the conference table . she cocked an eyebrow ." i feel  i've fallen behind , minty . and i can't pot my finger on how it happened ."
at the weekend , i took the boys to  gisela 's for tea . since  . i had been there last , she had redecorated the drawing room in pale gold and cream , with venetian mirrors and authentic tappestry cushion .

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. "he let slip that recruited  you over  a coffee ."
" that was ages ago . anyway , what should i have done ?
ignored him ? " there was a silence and , i added desperately . "eve dose need checking over , and the agency girl can't or won't ."
"okay ." paige was not enthusiastic ." i'll send linda over . she can give eve a meal ."
that was the best i could wrest  from the situation . it was bad but not  terminal and i set about drawing up a list for linda .
to begin with , eve was very weak . then she got better and stronger , but it was not straighforward . some days she could get up for an hour or so . on others the lightest task were  beyond her . ignoring my dwindling cash reserves , i hired the agency nany for anther two weeks .
 paige was of the opion that  i should sack eve ," you've got to survive  ." she argued ." you can't afford a weak link , it's either you or her ."
centuries worth of social and ethical thinking that had crept snaillike toward compassion for , and nurture of , the weak flicked through my brain ." as a matter of interest , is that what you feel martin is ? a week link ?"
paige gave the impression that she was talking to a recalcitrant child ." i haven't  got time to nurture a hability , you haven't  got time for a nonfunctional child carer ."
eve might have been ill but she was no fool . she could sense what was blowing in the wind ." please don't lose me the job ." she begged in genume  rerror that i mighht cast her our  into the street . for ten second or so .  the idea  of bying her a one-way ticket to romama jumped the top of my list .i took her sickly face between my hands .

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. the head nurse was ensconced at the nurse  ' station . she was neat , carewore , and so small  she barely  crowned the pile of papers  in front of her ." who ? " she asked . it tooks her a couple  of minutes  to sift through the notes and get a fix  on eve . then she informed me that eve could  leave  the hospital the following day but required  dedicated  nursing  and would not be property on her feet for at least  six weeks . she outlined a program of light  meals , sponge  baths , and pill taking whose implication s instantly triggered   a cold trickle down  my spine .
i tackled the live -in agency stand in who had arrived for the week and gave a rundown of of evee's nursing  care  . the girl  - australian , blond , smiling - shook  her head  and said politely  ."i'm afraid  agency  rules prevent me from doing anything except look after the kids ."
the telephone odyssey recommenced ." if you could look in once  ." i pleaded with tessa / kate/ paige  ." just to check up on eve and make sure that's she taken her pills and eaten something ."
tessa  said .," if she eally ill  , you'd better get in an agency nurse ."
"i already have  an agency nanny . and she's  costing the earth ."
kate was more  sypathetic  but less helpful ." you'd better stay at home , minty . how would you feel if something happened  to eve ?"
paige said ." i'm not taking to you , minty . not only do you lecture me , but i've discovered that you're on martin 's side  ." how ?"