married things . nathan's habit of leaving cufflinks in his duty shirts . small change dropped from his trousers that clogged the hoover . his inability to tell me what he wanted for christmas or birthdays .
i leafed back through time ." march 17th ...felix and lucas arrived . they are beautiful minty took it well ..."
did i ? i hated pregance . i hated labor ." look at your babies ." cooed the midwife , and invited me to peer through a palstic incubator at two tiny frogs . i remember being surprised at the precision of my respondse . i8 had expected to be tipped into a maelstrom of passionate feeling , only to experience nothing . absolutely nothing , like taht , only the sharp pain of my cesarean wound scar .
" july 20 , twins thriving exhausted . what can i do to make minty's life easier ?"
if nathan had asked me . i could have told him . he could have helped me search for the tenderness , the physical desire for my babies that eluded me . that would have made my life easier .
i leafed forward ," june 6 " (two years ago ) ." i would give almost anything to be walking the path above priac , smelling the salt and feeling the wind in my face . a healing solitude ."
then i read ." feb , 21b " ( of the year ) "....disappointment with oneself is a fact of life . it is somethinbg one must try to come to terms with ."
i looked up from the notebook and through the window where thew darkness was just lifting over the city . how was i going top deal with this discovery ? i was conscious of irritation at the revelation of nathan 's hidden inner life , and the forensic manner in which he was analyzing us . i was aware that io should consider how to square this circle , and puzzle away at anthan 's mind set in order to undersstand him , but i only possessedso much anergy .
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