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a big jungle where it was very hot ...." felix 's thumb had sneaked into his mouth , and i removed it . the illustrator had gone to otwn . there were scarlet and blue parrots , and pale beige monkeys in the trees . on the ground , he had drwn in a scurry of ants , an anteater with a long , businesslike snout and , tucked into the left-hand corner , the sinister coils of a boa constrictor .lucas pointed to a monkey ," his eyes are as big as yours , mummy ."
"the ants were very good at keeping house ." i read ,"  but along came the anteater and ate them all up ." the illustartor provided graphic detail and the boys shrieked ." faterward he became very sleepy and forgot to look around ."
"oh ....." felix drew the word out ." the snake is squeezing him ."
downstairs , the front door openeed and shut . nathan 's briefcase hitt the tiles with a clunk . eve ran up to her bedroom and the sound of radio music began to float from it .
on the final page , there was a swoop of striped fur and a glint of bared fangs as the tiger leaped the boa constrictor .
"mummy ," asked felix ." dose everybody always eat everybody esle ?"
"yes ..." lucas bared his teeth ." like this ....he sank his teeth into brother's arm .
nathan arrived into the melee and roaed for order , and i fled downstairs where i extracted a ready - made dish of chicken breasts and mushrooms from the fridge , shoved it in the oven , and set the timer . eve had done the laundry and i picked up the basket and took it upstairs to the landing where i had set up the ironing board .
unless eve stepped in , nathan did his own shirts ans was frequently sighted on the landing .

40 wivesbehavingbadly

i let myself in thrigh the front door of number 7 and braced myself .
sure enough , lucas appeared at the top of the stairs , half in and half out of his trousers . i put down my bag and went up as he launched himself at me . i picked him up and carried him into the bedroom where evan battling for supermacy .
lucas nuzzled my neck , damp liitle lips nibbling away . then he wriggled untill i put him down and he dived toward eve , who seized the moment to haul off his trousers .
a fully dressed felix was standing by the window that overlooked the street . he turned around ."mummy , there's a poor cat out there . i think he wants a home ."
i went over to inspect the scene . " that 's not a poor cat , felix . that's tigger . he belongs to the blackes , you know that ."
"but he look lost ." for some time now , felix had been begging for a kitchen ." if he was lost and came here , mum , he would sit on your knee . you would like that and he could go out of his special door ."

i stroked the thin , little shoulders  ." i don't like cats , felix ."
he fixed a  bright blue gaze on me ." dady says we can have one ."
"did he ? when ?"
"last night ."
" you were asleep when dady came home last nigth ."
felix discovered that discretion was the better part of valor . he dropped his trousers and stepped out of them ." it seemed like last night ."
i sighed .
halfd an hour later , they were settled on either side of me as i read their bedtime story ." once upon a time , there was

39 wivesbehavingbadly

it was evident somekind of calculation was being made ." i've known mascus all my life . he sort of ....fits in between my marriages . some people do , you know . you can't get rid of them ."
"betweeen marriages ? are you between marriages ?
she played with the diamond on herr left hand ." no , but  there is work , and there is play . tonight at the dinner roger and i will give , there is a good chance i will be a little bored by person sitting next to me . but not by so much as a flicker will i suggest it , and i will make that person feel good about himself , and it will benefit roger ." she glanced down at the coffee , which had arrived . " i never confuse work and paly ."
gisela had been exceptionally indiscreet and i was curious to know why . across the table , i observed the expertly tinted lid mask the knowing eyes and the question was solved . it was a simple one , even for one whole mathematical skill was limited . gisela knew perfectly well tha6t her secret was safe with me because her husband was my husband 's boss .
by mutual consent we moved on to safer subjectrs - the gard house in france . roger's clutch of directoships , and the rumor that vistemax was being eyed by a german conglomerate . the chelsa houise was in the process of redecoration and gisela was fretting over ythe color schemes ." did i tell you that on the last house she worked on ? she's now living in a bungalow in reading . a case of 'amour du cottage . what do you think the cottage is like ?"
i returned to the office knowing that under gisela 's chloe suit and the matching bulagari jewlry , was a woman who had  worked out to the last flutterr of those tinted and mascared eyelashes what was necessary for her survival .

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"minty , i'm sorry it's such bad manners but if i'm not on tap for roger he gets into a state ." she didnot , i noticed , turn off the phone .
i twirled my glass . " can i ask you something ? how did you cope with richmond 's first wife ?"
"ah ." gisela tapped my hand ." i didn't think about her , minty , that was the trick . there 's no safety in thinking . if one harps on all the difficult things . and i acknowledge that there are many , then you put your self at a disadvantage . her name was myra , and she rescued richmond when he was down on his luck , and they buil;t up the business together . but she made a mistake . she forgot to treat him as a husband . so ....." gisela looked thoughtful .it was simple for me . " after a moment , she added ." richmond wanted me , yes , he did . elderly as he was . so you see ...."
the phone rang for a second time . gisela picked it up ." roger ," she sounded sharp ." i am having lunch ." to my astonishment , a fluh flamed up into hetr cheeks ." marcus ? where are you ? no , not tonight . 'm entertaining .  "she swiveled away from me ." i'm having lunch with a friend . no , yes . soon ."
niow , she did switch off the phone ." would you like some coffee ?"  the color still danced in her cheeks , an hse made a show of dabbing her mouth with her napkin , and then an eye . " bit of mascara ," she declared , and consulted her handbag mirror .
" is everything  all right ? i watched gisela smooth the tiniest of lines at the coner of her eye ." is marcus one of the hostilefamily ?
" marcus ...." gisela dropped the mirror back into her bag . she fixed her eyes on me thoughtfully , and it was evident .

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" perhaps not ," gisela sounded a warning note ," perhaps not , minty ."
the ice clinked my teeth and sent an unpleasant frisson through the enamel ." technically , can one commit adultery with one's ex-spouse ?"
" so you think it's like that ?"
"no ," i denied quickly ." no ." i changed the subject ." i'm thinking of going back to work full time ." i recollected deb's nasty expression ." there were tensions when you work part time , and i never feel i am giving it myu full attention ."
" i admire your working in an office . i found never do it . have never done it ."
"you entertain , run the houses . that 's not hard work ? i think it is ."
gisela spread out her hand  , nails sculptured and polished . skin creamed ." remember , i have time to concentrate on one thing . i don't have children or a job , so i can give  my all to the husband of the day . nice and simple ." she closed her eyes briefly ." but tiring from time to time ."
her mobile shrilled . gisela gestured toward it apologetically ." do you mind ...?" it will be roger . he likes to check up on arrangements about this time ." nop one could accuse gisela of shrinrking her duties . she ran through roger's schedule ."  meeting at two - thirty tomorrow . three -thirty - five you are seeing mr . evans in harley street . remmeber annabel's birthday .... and roger , the guests are arriving at seven o'clock sharp ." there was more in this vein , so much so that i had finished my apriciot aand arugula salad by the end of the call .

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she bit a glossy lip , her teeth nesting on he pink paltform . and looked important . " the meeting , " she expalined to the now five-year-old barry ." with controller 2 . you are due at restaurant five minutes ."
"i'd forgotten ." barry jackkniked to his feet ." deb , i'll hear what you have to saytjhis afternoon ."
and that was that .
deb swept up the palstic cups , dumped them in the bin , and rubbed a tissue over the tabletop ./" no green lights today , we'd better have a chat , minty , tomorrow ." she checked herself ." oh , but you're not here tomorrow , are you ? you're not in untill next week ." her expression was quite nasty and she had scubbed so hard that the table was dotted with balls of wet tisssue .
so .... gisela arched her eyebrows ." rose and nathan are in touch ." gisela was giving me lunch at the cafe' noire as  a thank-you for the dinnnr . we had talked long and hard , and that long , hard talk gave birth  to confidences in which i had not intended to indulge , and thus it was i found myself expplainning to gisela how i discovered that rose and nathan were in contact . gisela 's eyes sparkled ." did you read the diary ?"
some loyalty was owed to nathan ." no ."
gisela did not believe me ." have you talked to him about rose ?"
it had been relief to confide in her  ." no , but i will ." i reached for my water . so stuffed with ice i ghad difficulty drinking it ." it's complicated . nathan and i have not gotten to the stage where we are each other's best friends . perhaps that is where rose fits in ?"

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barry ddid not take thee bait . " sounds a bit regional telly . you might get some local funding , but no foreigen delas , pass , anything else ?"
women between the wars : a lost generation .
the homework on this had produced : " in 1912 , there were 19,803,022 female in england and wales , nine and a half million of them of childbearing age . there were 18,082,220 men of whom fewer than eight and a half million were in the marrying age band . thus . the women were not so much lost as surplus to requirements and it resulted in depression , low self-esteem and emigration ." i looked  at barry ." it was a terrible collective experience of loss ,.loss of  expectation and ideas , not to mention a comfortable future ."
barry shrugged ." maybe , who are you targeting ?"
"ben pryce at hoisyory is planning a two-week season around the first world war . he says he's run out of nazi stories and need material . but the main target must be channel 4 ."
barry gestured at deb ," pur us a coffee ."
i knew then it was nonrunner but i ploughed on ." one of these women , a maud watson , set up the feline rescue association ." i read out a quote from maud .:" i was an old maid and a useless one for i could never have been a doctor or a lawyer . men were stupid enough to kill themselves on the battlefield and i could not stop them , but i save cats ..."
mistake . i should have been talking about a signature director , foreign sales , and hours rates .
barry stirred the tarlike coffee ." half of today's audience won't have head of the first world war ." he exhanged a glance with deb that excluded me .
barry's assistant , gabrielle , appeared in the door way . her lycra top strained over her breasts and the waistband of her jeans marched across the dangerous area  between her belly buttton and her grion ," barry ...cho , chiop ."

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34 wivesbehavingbadly

he complained that it was so heavy that it gave him tennis elbow but he couldn't help it if he was an old fashioned bloke at heart .
i took the chair next to deb , " it 's the excitement ."
barry grinned at me over deb's head . as a boss , he was tough , but nice . the sort of person who refuses top allow the everyday exasperations of a production comapny get to him .
"she gives cracking dinner . she is a wife and mother . she looks good . for god sake , she reads ."
from this i deduced barry had gained something at our table . yet there was the tiniest suggestion of a bared fang buried in the praise . barry expected his employees to give their pound of flesh .
easy when you know how . barry . ask your wife ." i said . cucumber cool .
idea number one was taken from a book . vanishing rual crafts ." it would make a great series ." ( plus point : more money could be extracted from the television companies for a series than a one-off ) ." it would be a valuable social document with archive footage ." ( minus point : if it includes black and white film , it is likely to be ghettorized in a late - night slot ). i cited an example of a rush - basket business on the somerset levels . for generations the bruton family had passed on their expertise from son to son (nb no daughters ) . a bruton bassket lasted a lifetime , which might have been a self-limiting market but for the success of their increasingly popular willow coffins . the quote from john bruton was lovely ." my job is my life . the two are bound together .like this landscape and the water which makes the willows grow ." i had scribbled in the amrgin a potential title : from the cadle to the grave .

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my husband ," i told him ." is chioef excutive of vistmax . we entertain all the time ."
 that did the trick too .
so , three days a week , i schomoozed with journalists , authors , and agents and kept tabs on anniversaries and big public events . i watched television , listened to radio , read books , magazines , and newpapers . i learned rapidly that far from being scarce , ideas were ten a penny , but their implementtation was a different matter . ideas fluttered around the office on gauzy wings but few , oh so few , soared into flight .
now , when anyone asked what i did , i replied ." i'm a deputy development prducer with paradox pictures ." which took a little time to articulate but was all the better for that .certainly , it took longer top say than " 'm at home with twins ."
"morning ," said syriol , the receptionist , who spoke four languages , she was studiedly casual in sass & bide jeans and striped plimsolls and was eating a bowl of granols with one band and sorting the post with other . the script she was trying to write in her spare time was flickering on her screen . thriftily , she had based it on life in a television company .
" morning ." i echoed , picked up the stack of newpapers , and headed for my offic where i dumped them to read later .
friday was the weekly ideas meeting day and armed with a file , i took myself off to the meeting room . this was an ob long box with natural lightt and a coffee machine that emitted a smell that scarped the back of the throat . barry was already in situ and , today , he was dressed in a white linen suit and a black shirt that suggested he was in an executive frame of mind .
deb , the current development producer , in combat trousers and a denim jacket , was logging his every move .
"you seem a bit pale ." barry looked up from the enormous filofax that he favored over his eletronic diary .

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it notched up my pulse rate from lackluster to viable . nathan 's response to my exhilaration . i remember , had been a little sour . the office - he stabbed the air to emphsize the point - isn't all that it's cracked up to be . for all the fuss he made , you might have concluded that it was i , not he , who worked from eight to eight five days a week , rather than  the three  on which he i had compromised .
paradox pictures was one of the numberous small indendent television production companies clustering in shepherds bush ." dirt cheap rents and easy access to the beeb and channel 4 ," confided barry , chief excutive and excutive producer , when he interviewd me over lunch at balzac 's ( in the covering letter with my application . i pointed out we had both taken degrees at leeds university , a sliver of researcjh that probably earned me the interview  .) he cast an eye round the crowded restaurant  ." i'd say most  of the beed are here at the through right now .i got thew sack for being a naught boy ." his lived-in features slackened with nostalgia ." she was very beautiful . anyway , autie and the then- mrs . helm took a dim view , and i had to take off to the states for a time where i made spouse exchange . when i came back there had been the thatcherite decree that the BBC  was to use independents . i met lucy . so here we are ." he help up both hands , palms toward me ."no longer a naughty boy ."
there was a pause while we drank the wine and mourned the death of naughty boys and , by implication , naughty gir ls , barry then came to the point ." i need ideas . the more bizarre the better . we need to reach younger audiences . we need to think big and interative . i need someone who knows people , who has a hinterland ."
the pleasure of being perceived as possessing a ferrite hinterland was immense .

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               chapter three
at nine-fifteen precisely  , hair brushing cleanly across my cheeks and smelling of almond shampoo , i walked up the shepherds 's  bush road , past two - hithrto unreconstructed and raucous -irish puts undergoing rebirth as gastropubs , and past the recently repaved green . the bush is the new gate , read the graffito on a brick wall .
onnce uppon a time , the old united kindom provincial insurance building used to be what its anme suggested ,. these days , united kingdom provincial insurance operated entirely from bombay and building wa home to seven start-up enterprises . each of these shared reception , coffee facilities , and converssations conducted on stairwells that centered chiefly on the inequities of the rent .
some things are eternal but not , as i have discovered , the obious candidates , it is the stained nylon carpets and the smell of palstic and paper in offices that never change . yet i had never been so glad to inhale a deep , plastic -filled breath as i was when i retured to work after three years at home with the twins .

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downsstairs , anthan was sleeping on his back . he nurmured as i i climbed back into the bed and took him in my arms ." wake up . anthan ."
after a second or two , his protests die , and helped myself to my husband's body , as angry with as i had ever been .

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" october 30 ....." this year ." i read somewhere that most people have a secret grief . tht seems right ."
a secret grief . and yet , i mined about nathan's secret grief . its existence , its confirmation in writting , was to point a wound and a failure . the words spelled out the  ridiculsness of our ambition to be happy and its defeat .
here was the deal . i had seen nathan and taken him . he had talked a lot about new beginnings and freedom and climbing out of a box and that had made it all very exciting .rose had wept and grieved and gone away , leaving me tio run her house and produce more children for nathan . before i knew it , that had comnstituted the main business between nathan and me  : bringing up the children and running the house - or was it the other way around ? instead of climbing out of his box , we had climbed back as fast as possible into it .
i made to shut the notebook and its revelations . as i did so , i noticed a document tucked into the pouch at the back and pulled it out . it was a professionall drawing of a small garden - ten meters by fifteen meters , according to the pal and the compass indicated it was southwest facing . an arrow pointed to a line of trees that bisected the space reading " pleached olive ," other arrows pointed to plants : humulus , ficus , verbena..... typed in at the bottom of the diagram were the words : " height . route , rest ." at the top of the diagram was scribbled ." this is it . what do you think ? why don't you talk it over with minty ?"
the handwriting was rose 's .

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married things .  nathan's habit of leaving cufflinks in his duty shirts . small change dropped from his trousers that clogged the hoover . his inability to tell me what he wanted for christmas or birthdays .
i leafed back through time ." march 17th ...felix and lucas arrived . they are beautiful minty took it well ..."
did i ? i hated pregance . i hated labor ." look at your babies ." cooed the midwife , and invited me to peer through a palstic incubator at two tiny frogs . i remember being surprised at the precision of my respondse . i8 had expected to be tipped into a maelstrom of passionate feeling , only to experience nothing . absolutely nothing , like taht , only the sharp pain of my cesarean wound scar .
" july 20 , twins thriving exhausted . what can i do to make minty's life easier ?"
if nathan had asked me . i could have told him . he could have helped me search for the tenderness , the physical desire for my babies that eluded me . that would have made my life easier .
i leafed forward ," june 6 " (two years ago ) ." i would give almost anything to be walking the path above priac , smelling the salt and feeling the wind in my face . a healing solitude ."
then i read ." feb , 21b " ( of the year ) "....disappointment with oneself is a fact of life . it is somethinbg one must try to come to terms with ."
i looked up from the notebook and through the window where thew darkness was just lifting over the city . how was i going top deal with this discovery ? i was conscious of irritation at the revelation of nathan 's hidden inner life , and the forensic manner in which he was analyzing us . i was aware that io should consider how to square this circle , and puzzle away at anthan 's mind set in order to undersstand him , but i only possessedso much anergy .

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felix was flat on his back , making puppyish , whuffling noises . lucas was curled into a ball , and i could just make out the contour of his spine . this was sweet , innocent sleep , such as i could never have .
cradling the tea , i took myself up a further fligh of stair . the twins now occupied the orginal spare room , and its replacement , next door to eve's bedroom , was much amaller with sloping eaves ,there was scarcely room in it for one person , which suited me as i did not wish to encourage guests .
the bed was slotted under the eave , and over it hung a painting of white roses in a pewter vase of whuich nathan was also especilaly fond , but like the cornish pictutre , i could never see much in it .i did not come up here very ofen , but since a advent of the new bathroom , nathan had used the cupboard to the store his clothes .a pile of his ironed shirtys lay folded on the bed . i lifed them and stowed them on a shelf . as i did so , my fingers encountered a hard oject . it was a notebook , black and bound in hardboard , and held shut by a rubber band now slack from age and use .i slid the band off , and opened the book up . inside ruled pages were filled with the distinctive slope of nathan's left - handed writing . notes for the office ? financial plans ? ( nathan was careful with his money .)
private things ?
of corse they were private . i got into the bed cradled the mug , and felt its hear trickle into my cold joints . i drank the tea before i picked up the notebook and began to read it . it was some sor of diary , and began shortly after we had married .
"jan . 5 . minty angry ....." the scope for my anger was as great as anyone 's and its sources just as forgettable . what had . i been angry about ? true , the list of things had been accumulating .

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if he was the slightest bit cross , they snapped together and suggested a thunderous temper that must have helped hin in the jobn of deputy chairman at the bank where he had met paige ." you're sweet to her . are you ready for the new arrival ?"
"paige is ," he replied ." she 's got it organized down to the last contraction ."
i gave roger his coffee , and he took a sip ." very good ." he replaced the cup on the saucer and his eye fell on barry , , who  had cornered gisela ." did nathan protest when you returned to work fater the twins ?"
this was not a conversation hat i wished to conduct at this moment for i have been thinking about changes ."the twins were three , and it was only part time . so , no, , not at all ." i added ." at the moment ."
" of course not ," said roger ." he made the mistake with rose ."
i slept badly . the cold had crept into me , and i searched my mind for sources of warmth . i pictured myself as a void , filled with echoes from the past . i did not mind very much how others judged me , but i needed to make sense of my life , some connection , somewhere , somehow .
beside me , nathan was breathing deeply and a little laboriously . the price of a rich meal and good wine , i stroked his cheek . a gossamer touch . he stirred and moved away . my hand fell back to my side .
around four-thirty , i slipped out of bed , went down to the kitchen , and made myself a mug of mint tea . when i retunred upstairs , i poked my head around the door of twins bedroom .

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gisela opicked up the soap mermaid ." charming ." the mwemaid was retured to its soapdish ." carolyne really shouldn't wera vevel hairabnds . and minty ...it's a lovely dress , but wonder if blue isn't more your color ?" the charm and lightness of gisela's smile neutralized the criticism . she put her head on  one side and exhaled thoughtfully ." it isn't easy being the second wife ...or third ."
" was it awful ?"
gisela searched for her lipstick  in her tiny evening bag and applied it ." nicholas was very old , and i had to do a lot nursing . it was lonely , and the children hated me . richmond wasn't quite so old and his children not quite so bad . in fact , we quite liked each other ....until richmond died ." she pursed her lips and the color stained them ." all hell broke loose over the will . we lived in the family house , so i came over here and met  roger and .....poof ... evereything was fine ." she made it sound easy , but io dare swear it was anything but ." don't get me wrong . minty . i chose to do what i did ."
i ran rapid life review  through the internal projector . the resulting picture was not exactly romantic , being more practical and caculating , but that was life ." so did i ."
as we trod downstairs together , gisela surprised me by saying , " don't you think we are realists ?"
" do you mean that we look after purselves ?"
gisela tucked a hand inder my elbow ." that 's exactly what i mean ."
i carried the coffee into the sitting rooom and martin helped me set it down on the side table ." we'll be off in a minute ." he said ." paige needs her sleep ."
martin was fair -haird but had strongly marked dark eyebrows that gave him a permanently questioning look .

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." ayez pitie de moi ." begged paige , who sometimes fell nback on her inteernational past . " i can'nt move , in my present condition i;d rather be bored silly than have to move , and anyway with my legs under the table no one can spot my varicose veins ."

i sacrificed paige .
i showed gisela upstairs to the guests' bathroom , a haven of brilliant white towels , jo malone essences , and french soap in the shape pf a mermaid .
"the the house lookes very nice ." gisela bent forward to peer into the mirror . her voice was warm and pleasant , and i had a feeling that she had marked me out for more seriouis acquaintanceship .
i adjusted the angle of a towel . " it took a bit of time and persuasion . nathan 's not exactly receptive to change . " then it struck me the latter was not a sensible remark to make to the wife of your husband's boss and i added ," over matters of paint ."
"men ..." gisela smoothed back her hair . she did not mean it , for she was , undoubtedly  , too intelligent to fall into  a gender trap ." nathan 's looking a tiny bit  haggard ...."  the manicured fingers continued to pat and adjust ." is he quite well ?"
he caught a bug from the twins . it was a women -have-colds -men-have -flu sort of thing ."
she turned her head to check her profile ." even so , he's looking a little worm ."
once upon a time . i had been twenty-nine , slender , glossy . i had celebrated this condition by dressing in tight tops and kitten heels . i squinted down at my chest to check the neckline of my dress .

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my gaze slid to roger who was observing this tender little scene with an expression that did not necessarily bode well for nathan . this is the way the wind blows , he was thinking . this is why a man lose his edge .
gisela touched the red patch on lucas 's cheek ." wide awake , eh ?"
lucas grinned at gisela , and i rose to my feet ." come on . lucas ."
but lucas had no inrtention of budging . i bent down and scooped him up ." no bed , no bed ," he wiled .
i whispered in his ear and lucas screeched ," mummy , don't smak me ."
"minty .." nathan threw down his napkin , shot to his feet , and wrested lucas away ." i'll deal ."
he and lucas vanished upstairs and we hear lucas 's chuckle . my cheeks flamed , and roger and i exchanged a long , measured look ." nathan 's quite a hands-on father , " he commented .
"oh , not really ," i said ." an on-and-off sort of father , depending on how avaiable he is ." i switched sujects ." are you planning more changes this year ? a new launch ?"
"sadly , even if i was , i could not tell you . minty ."
roger enjoyed  his business secrets . and not why ? " of corse , roger ," i said and urged barry to elaborate on one of paradox pictures ' more recent successes . when a somewhat tousled anthan returned , i rose ( nb 10:45 . serve coffee ) and suggested we  adjourn to the stting room  .
paige grimaced . she and i had debated whether to have coffee at the table or in the sitting room . i was never quite sure . paige ,maintained it gave you an escape route if you had been bored and i said stiffly that i was planning on anyone's being bored . 

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 and making so thorough a job of it that there was a good chgance he would think it correct . he muttered :" you're nathan 's second wife ?"
" yes , aren't i lucky? not the first , but definitely the last ." the words tripped off my tongue and i made sure i included barry in my next remark to roger ." nathan and i must visit the cherry valley . i'll make take me ."
roger a tapped a cigarette packet ." is it permitted ? he exhaled a plume of smoke ." you must be the only person in the world who can make nathan do anything . we have to work hard to convince him sometimes to come on board . it's one of his strengths ."
suddenly , shockingly , i scented danger ." vistemax has had an exceptional year ," i explained to barry ." they 've wiped the floor with the opposition ." i pushed an ashtray in roger's direction ." you must be so pleased . nathan is ."
before roger could respond , we were interrupted by a cry from the doorway . it was lucas in his teddy bear pajama , hopping from one foot to the other ." i can't sleep ...."
the red mrk on his cheek suggested otherwise . anthan turned round ." lukey ..." he smiles and luca tumble toward him , arms outstretched . nathan pushed back his chair , scooped him up , and settle him on his lap ." what are you doing up , you naughty boy ?"
"naughty boy ." lucas agree and setled himself against his father's shoulder for the duration . he reckoned that he was in with a chance and , judging by the way nathan held him close , he was right .
the clatter of forks and spoons acted as a counterpoint to lucas's high , chidlish voice and nathan 's deep tones . this had not been included on the timeable stuck to the fridge .

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japanese were growing taller ? so practiced was his conversation that it could almost have been dubbed automatic , except that roger was too clever to let that happen . his party trick was to gaze directly at whomver he was speaking to , and the listener enjoyed the illusion that they were the only person in the world , the magic was working beautifully until he let fall , " i remember the best salmon was at zeffano's . it was when nathan was still married to rose....."
barry's radar locked on to the telltale flicker of tension . " and ...?" he encouraged .
"it was years ago , but i remember that salmon so well ..."
roger steered past the minefield ." nathan was less enthusiastic ...but we won him round ."
reminded of my place , my pleasure in the evening was now spiked with resentment . rose sat at the end of the polished , laden table , not i . rose had choseen the flower centerpiece from vogue and brought these people together . rose's ability to soothe , her love and concern , were what the majority of the guests at my table remembered .
in these situations , it is no use looking hopeless or weighed down by the burden of being wife number two .the best thing , i find , is to trade through , thus emphasizing how sensible and mature everone involve is being . i maintained my shiny smile ." isn't it wondeful how rose's career as a travel writer has taken off ?"
"yes ," agreed roger ." i saw a very good article she'd written on china in the financial times , i think it was ."
barry was amused , i could sense him piecing together a history - first wif , a minx , old dogfs , new tricks , etc....., etc -

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o0f corse it was his money ." gisela was also reported to have said ." but in return . i look fater roger beautiful ."
on nathan 's left sat carolyne shaker , ameeied to his coleage peter . she had chosen a royal blue dress - a mistake from whichever way you looked at it - and bright gold earings , and was listening to gisela and nathan . as a general rules , carolyne left conversation to the others , and wore her solence with an expression that suggested she knew her limitations . not by so much as a flicker did she guggest she minded that she did not shine on these occasions . carolyne knew where her strengths lay - in the home - and i learned from that too .
nathan said something to gisela and turned , courteously , to carolyne , who seemed a bit sleepy . he whipered something in her ear that made her laugh .
on gisela's right . peter shaker was talking to barry's wife . lucy . on arrived lucy , who was dressed in a complicated version of boho , had seemed nervous and i'd whisked her over to the reliable , kind carolyne. the latter had obviously done the trick , because lucy was responding animately .
the cherries are good ." beside me , roger dipped his spoon into the bittersweet juice ." i like tough skins ."
on the the other side of me , barry nodded . he ghad been pleased , as i had calculated , to dine with a man as powerful as roger , and barry's pleasure took the form of agreeing with everything roger said . a dedicated foodie ( " you should hear the fuss if i don't buy hunza dried apricots for his ceeal ," gisela told me ). roger kept up the food bulletins throughout the meal . did i know the best cherries came from a valley in burgundy ? or now that they were eating more meat , the jap-

19 wivesbehavingbadly

i pushed a plate of miniature blinis and caviar in the direction of her bump ." your dress is just as bad . beside , your husband approves ."
\"my husband wouldn't wouldn't recognize taste if it sat in his lap ."
she flicked a glance in his direction , and it was not an affectionate one ." look , you fool , this evening depends on the wives , not the husbands . you're thinking like a singleton . the wives will have taken stock of the dress .it outlines your nipples and reveals hat you are wearing stockings  ." she lifted a finger and waggled it at her temple ." they will be thinking , this woman is not safe with husbands .in the car on the way back home , the assaults will bein . remember , husbands listen their wives , even if they hate them  ."
"i wouldn't touch any of them with a barge pole ."
"try telling the wives that ."
every so ofen , i glanced at nathan from my eng of the table . these days , canclelight suite him . it lent his eyes a sparle and disguised his pallor . i liked that .and myself in the candlelight ? a woman in a green dress ( hastily loosened over the bust ) , a trifle anxious but masking it competently . granted there was a string of fatigue strung behind the back of my eyes and , every so often , an unseen hand tugged at it . i raised my wine glass and willed nathan to look up at me across the silver and crytal . i wanted him to register pleasure in the sense and to know that he was pleased with my creation .
gissela gard sat on his right . married to roger , chairman vistemax , her little black dress , chanel corsage , and hefty sprinkling of grade  E  diamonds advertised his status . roger was sixty-five to gisela's forty- three and gossip reported that it was his money that lured her into his den .

18 wivesbehavingbadly

       chapter twod
dinner was going well .)( the timeable was stuck to the fridge ." 8:15 , guest arrive . 9:00 , serve ." a schedule was crucial to my peace of mind .)
we were ten in all , a number than ensured sparate conversations could be conducted and thus mask any awkward little silences . . the final guest list was mostly vistemax but , in view of my keep going philosophy , not wasted .
thehurleys arrived at precisely eleven minutes past eight . when i opened the front door . nmartin pushed paige , seven months pregnant and large, into the hall ." thought you could do with some early back up ." he murmured as nathan unwrapped paige from her coat ." and paige wanted to check out waht you were wearing ."
i flushed ." will i do ?"
martin studied my green wraparound dress approvingly " sure . you look great ." he touched my arm in a g=uesture of support and felt as if i had been given a million dollars
but a little later , with thew shakers and barry and lucy helm still arrive , paiger lumbered over and hissed ," the dress is too tight ."

17 wivesbeahvingbadly

digest and i was her deputy- she beguiled me with her domestic tales . i can see her now : head bent over a book or a piece of copy ,hugging a mug of coffee to her chest , dropping those details into an atmosphere that snapped and crackled with othe considerations . parsley caught a mouse . anthan bought me a white penstemon and i planted it by the lavender . the washing machine flooded .
i pictured the gray scum running over the kitchen floor , the scrable to mop it up , the penstemons nodding in the brezze . i eavesdropped on the family exchanges , with all their coded allusions and easy shortland . poppy's challenge to her brother ." when were you born , then ?" and clever sam's riposte ." before you , you dag ."
rose's family portrait was a chocolate box , framed by comfortable , warm words . then it had been foreign to me , that pretty picture . i do not have a family and it does not bother me . i told rose . nor did i want children . why hang a millstone around your neck ?
looking back , i should have insisted that she tell me what she had left out . but when i asked , rose laughed , all apology and sweetness ." there 's nothing to leave out ."
how would she couch her reply today .?"
i will never know . never again will i hustle her into a coffee shop , or accompany her on the walks she liked so much . or pick up the phone and demand ." what do you think ?"
never again will i observe her hunddle over a pile  of books , sifting through them with the greed of a child let loose in the pick'n mix .
between us lies the deepest and darkset of silences , sinister in its composition of pain and betrayal . and absolutely appr-

16 wivesbehavingbadly

i ran a bath . one of my first acts after the twins were born was to insist we build a separate bathroom for nathan and me , which entailed nathan sacrificing his wardrobe and knocking a hole in the wall .
nathn had been appalled ." we can't " he said .
"why not ? are walls sacred ?" it was five-thirty in the morning , and the twins had not slept much ," we must have somewhere that we smell nice ."
nathan sat up in bed with felix over his shoulder . " we always managed before ."
we. i ignored the small word that carried such weight . i leaned over and kissed felix and then nathan . the guesture please him ." okay ," he conceded ." new bathroom it is ."
if he was truthful , nathan loved the new  bathroom - the marble , the honey travertine tiles , the glint of mirror and stainless , his separate basin ." see ?" i teased him .
" i take pleasure in small things ." he was smileing .
" in that case , i'll give you plenty of small things in which to take pleasure  . carpets , curtains ..."
but i had gone too far , too fast , and the smile was quenched ." we must be careful , minty . things are bit tight ."
i kissed his mouth lingeringly . a judas kiss ." i promise ."
it had taken me four years , inch by inch , stealthy infiltration by sly addtion to redecorate the house - a bedroom painted in pretty yellow here , a chair recovered there - to achieve the transformation of nathan and rose 's house into nathna and minty's house .
in the days when rose and i had been friends - when she was my boss and editor of the boos section of the weekend .

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 felix was instantly riveted by his red palstic boat . he did not look at me . reluctanly . i reached for a second towel and spread it over my nicole farhi trousers . " okay , felix ." a wave of water hit the sides as he ejected , bulletlike , out of the bath ." cAREFUL ."
HE PAID NO ATTENTION AND BURIED HIS HEAD IN MY SHOULDER  . nuzzling and whinnying like the ponies he loved to read about ." i've got num ."
instantly , lucas abandoned eve and forced his way onto my lap too ." get off ," he ordered his brother .
eve was watching . she liked to ticket and docket my behavior and imagineed i did not notice . it gave her may=terial to share with her friends , and she liked it best when i did not rise to her strict notions of good mothering because then she ghad pllenty to discuss .
what eve know ?
nathan and i had created the squirming bidies competing for space on my lap ..... the skinny limbs , the raucous bellows of laughter or distress , the endless craving for warmth and reassurance . they had been a logical consequence of my longing for that fine , harmonious household .
yet even eve could sense that story required fleshing out . she knew that when i was tired or low  , i recoiled from the urgency of the twins . i found it impossible to reconcile myself with their kidnapping of time and energy , their need to creep inside my mind . then i was back in the biox from which there was no exit . then i took refuge in imposing strict routines , making lists , in striving for perfection .
in the peace of my own bedroom , i removed the shower cap and inspected my face and hair in the mirror - the twice daily patrol along the border between (to quote paige ) the wife and mother who was still " pretty sexy " and the woman who " looked good for her age ." there was a difference .

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"it's mun..." luca's high=pitched call sounded out . i stopped and waited . sure enough . felix echoed ." it's num ."
i had not clocked in untill i heard the echo that meant everything was fine .
upstairs , i snatched up my shower cap . i had not spent all that money at the hairdresser to have the results ruined in a steamy bathroom .
even raised a moisture - licked face from her position kneeling against the bath . " they have so much energy , minty ." her eyes ranged disapprovingly over the shower cap - which i did not mind , as long as fell down this afternoon ." she informed me in her awkward english .
on cue , lucas shot a grimyknee up from the water for me to inspect . the graze had puckered around the edges , and was pretty businesslike ." i was braver than superman , num ."
"i'm sure you were , lucas ."
at the plug end , felix scowled ." lucas cried a lot ."
"eve , did you disinfect it ?
the briskness of eve's nod made it clear she considered the question redundant . she knew her job .lucas always lnocking himself about . he hurled himself at life as if its obstacles - stairs , curbs , walls - were there to be conquered , felix was different . he watched , waited , and then made his move .
the slippery bodies heaved around in the scummy water . they chattered away , releasing snippets from their day .
" you look so funny , num ." lucas poked felix's leg with a foot ." funny , funny ."
"out ," i ordered ." even is waiting ."
eve sat on the stool with the cork and lucas lambered onto the towel spread in her lap .

13 WIVESBEHAVINGBADLY

i needed guidance through the pitfalls . opaige provided it . enough said .
paige had also given the thumbs - down to sticking taffeta bows on the chair backs which , i rekoned , would be the finishing touch  ." finish the guest off , more like ." she hooted with amusement ." for goodness " sake , you're not a brothel ."
yes , , someone had to tell me what was that . i knew that much .
i am a fasst learner , but as the taffeta bows incident indicated , there were gaps in what i knew , and what i understood - puzzling  and slippery points of taste and appropriateness . those are the one with which i struggle .
knives , forks , wineglasses .... i checked the place settings on the dinning table which i had laid at six -thirty that morning .that is , before the twins were up . only the flowers for the center of the table , which i had ordered to be an exactly match of the one i jhad seen in vogue , were missing . hovering in the doorway . i gave the mise-en-scene a final sweep and concluded that there was nothing to embarrass , and everything to enhance , nathan's reputation .
i nipped back to the table , and adjusted the angle of a knife .
my watch said seven-twenty A/M . say good bye to twins before racing to haiedresser and on to work .
eve - twenty-two , romanian , and not a threat - was bathing the boys when i arrived home at six -fifteen .
as i let myself in , the draft made the cat flap in the back door 9 long since unused ) open and shut with a bang and , for the hundredth time , i curesed it .

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after a while , anthan saw the point , which i knew he would ," sometimes , minty ..." he palyed with my fingers ," you can be so sweet . and sometimes..."
"and sometimes ...."
"not ."
hw wanted to say more , but he never get it out in month of sundays , and there was no point wasting more time . i placed a finger on his mouth ." hush ."
i returned to my labors over the guest list and to my private thoughts - not least , why was it that in such an apparently godless world when anything went and everything possible was done . i was the object of such censure ?
later , getting ready for bed , i discovered a yellow post-it note stuck to the back of my hairbrush . on it , anthan had written " sorry "
at seven fifteen A.M  on the day of the diner party , i picked up the phone to five-star cateres ." this is to check that everything is okay for tjhis evening ."
a voice reeled off ." ten twice - baked cheese souffles . chicken with ginger in soy and sherry sauce . bitter cherries in maraschino served with a fragipane and pate' sable' tart ."
i had toyed with having menus printed because i so relished the names of the dishes , but paige put her foot down ."nope , not the thing ."
the "not the thing " was annoying , but i bit my lip . paige was a neighbor and also a good friend . she had never met rose , so her relationship with me held the extra sweetness of the untained . paige knew what was what and , during her years as an international investment banker , she had been on the recieving end of many dinners like this one .

11 wivesbeahvingbadly

as always , nathan brightened at the mention of his elker children ." poppy is very busy ," he said carefully ." and i don't think sam's due up in town for some time . and he would probably go and see  ... his mother ."
if i had to choose one overarching object in this marriage between nathan and me , it would be : get rid of rose .
scrape her away from the sufaces of this house , then dig deep , as she had once dug the garden , to exhume the rose roots that were threatening to throttle us . she was everywhere , i was in no doubt of that , and her power lay in my victory and her suffering .
"minty ..." nathan dislike it when i ignored him , which was one of my weapons ." i'm still here ."
i tunred my head ." don't mention rose , then . don't don't ."
he came over and hauled me to my feet ." i wasn't thinking ." he palced his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes .
"we have to try ," i murmured . robotically .
"course we do ."
he smelled of vetivier and - faintly- of tarragon and garlic . whatever went on in nathan's head was only half my business but there were times when i could not face even a tiny percentage of the mixture of didappointment and fatigue that i suspected churned within him . i craned my head back and took a good look , and it struck me he was very pale . nothing a useful dinner party would not put right . i reached for another of my weapons and slid my arms around his neck " come here "

10 wivesbehavingbadly

"and ?"
"she vanished into the frozen-fish section ."
nathan uttered a short , barking laugh ." you won that round , minty ."
" what i really wanted to ask her is why i'm a home breaker , and you're not ."
nathan met my eyes steadily . in his lay the detritus of painful history ." i'm blamed too , minty ."
"no, you're not . that's a point ."
his gaze drifted toward the painting , as if he were seeking reassurance in the shimmer of water , rock , and cliff .
"in sue's eyes you are still marriage to rose . there is nothing i can do about that . in the cpmplicated hierarchies of maital , sue gets a tick , rose gets sainthood , and i get the cross ."
any trace of amusement vanished from nathan's features ." would you prefer it if i didn't see the frosts any more ?"
in successful relationships , a manual that in the past i had studied diligently , it say that to bind a partner you must release him . i am a great believer in the self- help manual- although lately i have found myself wondering if they only add to the confusion by suggesting problems you did not know you possessed . however , mindful of successful relationship's teachings . i said ," nathan , i insist you see sue and jack frost ."
i offered up the unfinished guest list which composed of anthan's boss and his wife , roger and gisela gard , and my boss and his wife , barry and lucy helm ." we haven't got very far ."
before i married nathan , i had pictured my situation so differently . who did not dream of a fine , harmonious household in which friends and family gathered ?"it's no use asking poppy and richard , i suppose ? and sam and jilly are too far away ."

9 wives behaving badly

i glanced down at the list of guests that ., so far , was composed only of work colleagues ." did i mention that met sue frost the other day in the supermarket and i tried to sort things out ?"
"actually , she told me ." nathan confessed ," but she didn't go into detail ."
i found myself inscribing two heavy underlinings on the list ." well , i will go into detail , nathan , i asked sue why , since she and jack were both on their second marriages , i am banished from thier court . waht makes me different from them  ?"
sue frost had tapped her pink suede loafer on the ground and peered over a rolley stacked with vegetables and cleaning aids . her cheeks had flamed in her pretty , but obious . face, as she replied ." i would have thought it obvious . i am not the one who left my first husband . i wasn't the party who broke up a marriage ."
"so .... " nathan shoved his hands into his trouser pockets .he put on the face he used for tricky business meetings : huges unreadable ." what did you say ?".
" i said i wanted to get the situation absolutely straigh as she saw it . as second wife  sue was okay because her husband had had the miidle life crisis and left . while i , as the second wife and object of the midlife crisis was not ? but i wanted to know what it meant if sue had driven her first husband away ....?
that succeeded in amusing nathan . he stopped looking haunted and relaxed back into the kind , intelligent man he was - the man who beat his chest and imitated gorilla noises to make the twins laugh , and the man who had recently persuaded the vistemax board to rethink their position on the future of newpapers . as an able man he could do both .

8 wieves beahing badly

never complain ." what about the frosts ?"
sue and jack were nathan's very special friends . they were also rose;s very special friends but they were not my special friends . the reserve , in fact , for i was ( sue had been heard to say ) a husband snatcher and a home breaker .
i coulsd not deny either .
as a result , nathan was frequently invited to their house a couple of streets away to cozy evenings but i was not . what they talked about i don't know , and i never inquired .( sometimes i amused myself by imagining the conversational hole around which these special friends tiptoed .) was nathan disloyal > no , he needed to see his old friends but nobody , nobody , appeared to note the irony in the siuation : both frosts were on their second marriage .
"would they come do you think ?
the hissing noise that meant " i don't think so " issued from nathan and his eyes flicked to the painting above the mantelpiece . it was of priac bay in cornwall , by a local artist , and rather dull . but nathan liked it . and frequently i caught him peering into the turquoise - paint depths of thge sea at the base of cliffs .
"no , " he said .
the outlook on the friend front was grim ." waht about the lockharts ?" the lockharts were also friends of nathan and rose .
nathan sprang to his feet and removed a fleck of something from the bottom right - hand corner of the painting "minty . it's no use flogging dead horses . they feel strongly ...."
he did not have ot finished the sentence .

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" why do we need to give one ?" he demanded from tjhe sofa . it was a sunday afternoon in early november , and he was sleepy after a lunch of roast chicken with tarrgon . newspapers paved the floor and the room was stffy with winter and central heating . in their bedroom directly above the sitting room , the twins played at airports , taking off and landing with excriciating thumps .
i informed anthan that it was necessary for his position at vistemax to keep going , that i had already compiled a list composed of key vistemax couples , and it would be smart to mix them up with friends .
nathan leaned his head against the back of the sofa , closed his eyes , and contempalted the maneuvers necessary to keep a career afloat ." been there , minty ."
he meant with rose .
there it was . despite ahving left his first wife , rose , for me . nathan still measured his life against that first marriage .
holidays , house decoration , even the choice of a new jumper were accomplished beneath the arid rain shadow of the past .
worse , nathan punished himself for what he perceived as his and my transgressions . it was a bad habit , and i had failed to nip it in the bud . in this marriage , the quality of mercy proved to be in short supply and , during our seven years together , it had been thinned , strained , and darkened , like varnish on an old painting .
my gaze drifted past figure on the sofa to the perfectly  normal london view outside number 7 lakey street . the trees seemed weighed down with grime , and the pile of rubbish outside mrs . austen's flat opposite more than usually noxious . this type of exchange between nathan and me had become commonplace . what kept me in a state of perpetual astonishment , bewilderment , even , was how i had miscalculated in having gotten myself into this position in the first place .

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I HAVE FOUND THAT  for me , it is wise to have a few rules tucked up inside my head  , and the ones currently governing my life are :
     rule number one  : there is no justice .
   rule number two ": contracy to a husband's
     hopes , a seconnd wife does not have kama sutra nestling in her handbag . it is more likely to aspirin .
     rules number three  : never complaint , paritcularly if you have been instrumental in demonstrating rule number one , which i have been .
     rule nuber four : never serve liver or tofu .
nathan and i were wrestling over the guest list for the dinner party .

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" i'm sorry you haven't got any family here ." sam remarked as we ate dover sole and scallops .
" my father vanished when i was samll , my mother is dead , and i don't have any siblings or cousins ."
"i'm sorry ."
" i don't miss what i've never had ," i added stubbornly , insistenly ." it's not terrible .
sam might have said : we are your family now . but he didn't .
at the end of the meal i watched nathan proffer his platinum credit  card to pay the bill , and thought with relief that i would not have to worry about money any more . i went to say good -bye to aunt ann , stooping over the wheelchair and inhaling face powder and dust from he hat with a black feather ." good bye . thankyou so much for coming ."
she raised a startling thin hand blotched with liver spots , on which rattled a platinum wedding ring and diamond solitaire , and touched my cheek ." so nice ." she murmured , and i felt a rush of unexpected tears . they say cynics are the only thru romantics . i was marriyng nathan without nay of the true and proper feelings , only nonfeeelings , but i was oing it all the same . and aunt ann ann's touch was worth more than it was possble to describe .
popy was hovering ." aunt ann . we must take you home . i promised that i would not let you overdo things ."
her exhaustion and confusion obvious  , aunt ann groped for her words ." good-bye , rose ," sahe said .

4 wivesbehavingbadly

jilly meant the oppsite . every line of her ody with outthrust belly proclaimed her delight in being so obviously fecund . she leaned against sam ." you wait . sore feet is only the start ." she said contentedly .
paige baust back into the room ." here's your bouquet , minty  .it's terrible , but it will have to do ." she thrust into my hand a bunch of red roses , the kind that were sold on street corners by oppressed immigrant workers . they were tightly furled and half alive .
the registrar cleared his throat ." are you ready ...?"
"the cellophane ." paige hissed . i ripped it off , squashed it into a ball , and left it on the table .
"oh minty ," nathan said ." i forgot you should have floewrs ."
in the restaurant afterward we were joined by aunt ann , nathan's last remaining of chairs to accommodate her wheelchair .
i observed the guest at the table . their expressions were fixed , as if they were struggling collectively to find a way through the experience . jilly drank ostentatiously from a glass of water . sam draped his arm around his wife . poppy chattered and fluttered , her thai silk scrf flashing scarlet and gold . every so ofen , she touched richard's shoulder or his arm . once , she pressed her lips to his cheek . none of them looked in my direction . there was comment about my first name being susan , a fact revealed bu the registrar . for most of my life i had hated the name and refused to use it since i was fifteen , but  i went to its defense ." what's so funny about susan ?"
jily and poppy put their heads on one side ." it's just that you're so minty ." jilly explained .

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yes ..../"
she peered at me ." oh my god , you did want me to dress up ."
i could only stare back at her , mute and uncomprehending . for , so help me , i did . i wanted paige to be in her best alexander mcqueen and a hat that shrieked " occasion ." after all , and after eveything . i craved silk and tulle , aflash of diamons in the ear , the hiss of champagne , the scent of expensive flowers that stirs the guests to stand on metaphorical tiptoe , united for a moment by unselfish kindness and by the yearning to start all over again themselves .
paige frowned ." where's your bouquet , minty ?"
"i don't have one ."
"right ," said paige , and you could not fault her ." hold on ," she thrust her briefcase into my hand and disappeared .
nathan beckond me to a group in which his eldest children , sam and popoy , and their spouses , jilly and richard were talking to peter and carolyne shaker . poppy was in black and jilly was markedlly pregnant in a demin smock that needed a press . only carolyne had made an effort in a glaringly bright red dress and a white jacket .
sam did not quite meet my eye ." hallo , minty ."
jilly made more of an effort and pecked at my cheek . her long , silky hair brushed aginst my cheek  ; it smwelled of shampoo meaningfully , one pregnant woman to another .
"fine. very little different . aprt from very hot hands , and fet that hurt ."
her eyes raked over me ." you hardly show , you lucky .

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to his credit his face cleared ." sorry darling , i was thinking of something else ."
i watched a cyclist weaving suicidally in and out of the traffic ." we 're on our way to our wedding and you are thinking of something else ."
"hey ." nathan reached over and captured one of my hands , which were permanently hot - another little pregnancy joke ." there's no need to worry , i promise ."
i believed him but i wanted to drive the point home . " this is our special day ."
he gave me one of his strongman smiles ." everything is fine . and i promise i'm thinking of you ."
i nipped the flesh of hs palm between my fingers ." well , here's shock . the bridergroom is thinking about the bride ."
nathan had specified " casual " to the guests , who were eight altogether . no fuss , he said . no fireworks . he had been anxious not to make a big deal of the day ." you do understand ?" he asked me more than once , which irritated me . on the other hand , since i was pregnant and , as it turned out , without a job , my negotiating position was limited .
when we arrived , anthan seemed transfixed by the ugly stone office block which housed the registry . inside , there was an anteroom adorned with fake paneling , crude gidling , and a stand of plastic flowers in hideous pinks and blues that no one had dusted .
as we filed in , paige rushed up behind us . she was still working at the bank then and wore a beige suit and white blouse . there was a lick of grim on the lapel ." you look great  , minty ." she hefted a briefcase that  bulged with papers from one hand to the other ." you did say not to dres up and i've just dashed out of a meeting ."

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              HOW IT  BEGAN
on my wedding day , i got dresses in full red silk skirt and a black jacket to hide my ten - week pregnant figure . foe a considerable time . i hiovered in front of the mirror in the cramped bedroom of my flat , fiddling with the ie of the skirt ,  adjusting my makeup and wish i could wear high heels , but pregnancy made my feet hurt . i think i was trying to persuade myself of my imminent status . " mrs loyd ." . the mirror reflected my lips shaping the words - but , f course , what i saw was the distortion . what i really , truly saw in the mirror was " the second mrs lloyd ."
nathan hailed a taxi and we sailed off to the registry office . he had chosen his dark gray office suit , and had cut his hair too short , which i disliked . it made him appear unfinished , and not the worldly sophisticated man that i rated , and since he had lost weight , underfed . he did not seem particularly happy .
"you could look a little pleased ," i remarked from my side of the taxi .