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. "unusual . and why are you here ?"
"for all sorts of reasons ." i got to my feet and tied my dressing -gown cord tightly round my middle ."  your family sounds very nice , and i hpoe your party is a success ."
i left hun staring thoughtfully into the poor  's blue depths
as i dressed for dinner in the luxurious room , i found myself talking to nathan ." i was the target of a pickup today ."
"and ...?"
"not interested , nathan . he was very nice , but it isn't the same ."
the answere to  that was indistine .
i was frighted that i was beginning not to  remember nathan with any  precision . my memories were already blurring and changing shape . was that true ? was it really like that ? did he really say that to me ?

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. had my pavlovian responses been blunted ? why did i not  feel , this might be worth a pum ? why did i not instinctively arrange my features into invitation ? i sat up straight ." yes , my husband , in fact ."
a woman aty the other  end of the pool  stood up and peeled off her dressing gown to reveal a bright red swimsuit . she stepped lightlyand confidently  down the pol steps and  lauched herself with muffledd gasp , toward  the center .alan milertt tried again ." would you  like a drink ? i think there is a choice or pounded wheat grass or something equally unspeakable ."
"you really haaven't taken to the culture ."
"not in the slightest ." he said cheerfully .
"i'm with you  , but please don't say anything . my friend has given me this as present ."
"that's funny ." he said ." i'd have thought  you'd have been all for it ."
i watched  the swimmer in red  for a moment , then asked what 's  your birthday surprise ?"
"a party , with  a marquee and all the works they must have thought  i was blind . strange markings  on the lawn . a stash  of candles .  and most telling of all , my wife bought a bathroom scale . that means she's trying to squeeze into a new dress ." he spoke affectionately .
"you 'll  enloy it ?'
"sure , it's not every day you turn fiffy . why not celebrate ? he inclined slightly in my direction and raised  an eyebrow . i knew that i had only to respond and opprtunity would fall into my lap . light amusing , and with no  strings .." i didn't catch your name ." he added .
' ididn't say , but it's minty .

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. well , i think i'll test you on your spelling ."
then , when the cry of outrage went up ."no ? what a surprise i thought you boys loved spelling . i'd better think of something else  . let me see , what about  some dusting for mumy ? no...?"five minutes  or so later  , the twins having ( unaccountably)  rejected homework , housework , and garderning , nathan played his fishes  in . " wait for it , yes , one of you is  sending me a messagge . i says ...i'm getting it ... what does it say ? adventure playground and pizza ... am i right ?"
very often i said  ." oh nathan just tell them ?"
the masseuse's  fingers  sought out  the ares of my sciatic nevers . that particular game  had been played for the last time , and i was shaken by its loss . i would miss its absurdities  , the crackle  it impartied to a saturday  morning .
" you are very tense , mrs .lloyed  ." the girl remarked
how many times a day did she  repeat this mantra - so soothing in its understared sympathy ? she was implying that those lying on her couch had the troubles of the world locked into thier muscles and only she , the professional , possessed the power to help .
she cupped my head and manipulated my neck ." i think you are very stressed . i can tell from the way the uscles have clenched " the fingers dug and probed ," they are very ...very ..." - the fingers dug and probed ." they are very ..very ..." she paused for complete effect - " right ."
it was like being given a medal my fatigue and stress were proof that i mattered in the outside world (all those other fatigued and stressed movers and shakers ) , and i merited  a place  on this couch i needed her , and she required my depleted state as a reason for working , it was a fidy arrngement .
at the end of the session , she fussed over the removal of the towels ." i'll leave you now ." she stood in the doorway " you must take care of yourself , mrs lloed ."
shje meant each word  , and yet none of them ." thank you ."
i had just arranged myself satisfactorily  beside the pool , which was a deep turquoise flanked by ( fake)  marble  pillars when i  felt a presence . it was the man from the dining room .
" hallo ."my resonse was polite but not enthusiatic ." hi "
"i would do with some company ." he smiled invitingly " i'm here on my own and finding it tough .
"food killing you ?"
he dropped into the seat beside me ." whoever invented tofu deserves to be taken to the vet and put down ."
i laughed ." you can order  the nondiet diet , you know ."
" i shall name 's alan millert . i'm here because my family  have thrown me out while they organize my birthday surprise .
they don't know that i know ."
"but you went along with it ?"
"why not ? it's giving sally , joey , and ben enormous pleasure . i agreed that i needed a bit of a break and allowed and allowed them to pack me off ."
the plastic envelope fell to the ground and i bentover to pick it up . i found myself looking  up at  alan millen in the way  . i had looked at nathan when rose had taken me home to meet him . alan millett looked back at me . his was an op[en , honest regard . it said : i am aa family man , and  i love my family but ....hey . you know what ?
" you have interesting eyes ." he said ." had anyone ever told you sold .

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. forever , and i can't bear to think of that being married to roger is more complicated than it ever was with nicolas or richmond . they left me alone , in a way that roger doesn't "
"are you sure he has no idea  about marcus ?"
gisela dropped her eyes  to table .""no"
the big hand  of the clockver the buffer table had inched on to the hour ." gisela , i've got an appoinment with hot stones . we'll have  to continue this conversation  later ."
gisela consulted her file ."and i'm for the mud ."
she hurried off , and as i threaded my way through the table  , the tan man looked up and said as i passed ." i ate the tofu ."
"and you lived >" i murmured .
"just ."
whoever dreamed up the hot-stones treatment knew a thing or two about the human psyche . the girl in the white coat  explained tha during the middle ages  .patients were cupped with heated glasses to draw out their humors , and this was not a dissimilar process . such a neat idea , and so suggestive . bad temper , ill grace , and melancholy  could grief and regret  , if you believed it .
i emerged with red patches imprinted on my skin  and a pound head - the toxins making their exit felt =- and fell onto a message cough .
an angle  in white pressed confidently on my spine , a light , detached touch .
behind my school eyelids , the twins ran downstairs on a saturday morning into the kitchen  ."daddy , what are we going to do today ?"
and nathan , biting into  his toast , would say something along the lines of .

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. the melon on my oplate frigidly cold and my teeth jumped as i bit into it ." what are you going to do ?"
she tensed ." that's what i want to talk about ."
"i'm touched that you wish to confide in me ... and this is wonderful ..." gestured to the room ." but i wonder if i can be of my help ."
"i'm surprised ."she was taken aback ." tou've been there . in your time you've ruthless , and i wanted your clear head ."
i absorbed this in silence . after a moment, i said ."but you knew that one fine day , you'd at this point ."
she sighed ." i tried not to tink about it because i knew if i did i'd lose my nerve .even i thought how peculiar and farfetched the setup was . marcus acceptd  that i wasn't going to marry him until he began to make some money . he had other women too . and whenever i was free he was not , and vice versa . the timing was hpoeles . but always told him he was free  to go , and he could have abandoned me years ago . it's only now  that he's put his foot down . inever ment not to marry him ." thing did not work out quite right ."
"i don't hold any brief for roger  ." i said , " but i suspect it  would hurt him a lot if you left ."
gisela bit her lip ."normally , i don't have this problem . my husbands usually die , and that's quite different ."
" quite different ." the conversation was not exactly leaving a good taste in the mouth , and i applied myself to the frozen melon .
gisela abandoned hers ."i've realized something rather dispiring . i'm no longer a risk taker ." i was about to say that . i considered her to be quite the reverse when she added ." marcus has been my life . if i say no to him . i'm cutting him .

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.  the dining room was sunny , with a view of an immaculate  english garden in which delpiniums and poppies mingled with exotically shape foliage .
'my report card ?" gisela seemed distracted ." oh , it 's fine . except they seem to think that my diet is unbalanced , which i asured them it was not ." she pulled herself together ." have you rung home ? all under control ?"
 "eve sounded a bit strange , but so far , so  good ."
the dressing on the beans wa extra  extra tart  and the inside of my mouth puckered at the first mouthful . i had never cared for lemons . a tall  tanned man at the adjacent table was gazing  with unabashed  horrr at the plate of mung beans and tofu  that had been placed  in front of him . he looked across to me , and i found myself smiling in sympathy . he shook his head and smiled back .
gisela was not enjoying her meal , unusually , she was jumpy and unsettled . i forced down a mouthful ." i guess mar-cua has issued an ultimatum ."
she leaned back in her chair ." i cann't  argue  that it's a surprise ."
'he's called your bluff . either roger or him ?"
gisela picked up a spoon and  attacked the ( very) small slice or pawpaw  balanced on  a piece of melon ." it's very inconvenient of him to make a fuss at the moment .
"poor marcus "
the conners of gisela's mouth went down . he knew the situation ."
that was irrfutable , and i pondered  the logistics of gisela 's existence . did she take macus as a lover all the time ? or only between husbands ? was there  a code of prctice for this sort of thing ?

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. she sounded hoarse and tierd ." i think "
"you think "
she coughed , a nasty sound ." it is alright ."
nine o'clock . fitness class . i went through the motions. squeeze pelvic floor ( now  they tell you ) . control breathing  contract sitting  bones and  concentrate on hip flexors.  the language and commands issuing  from the lips  of a slender instructor  in gray sweats were familiar . their aim was unreachable perfection . that was how she made her living .
stretch ./ felix bend . along the way to this moment . i had picked up another language , now more  familiar than this  one , which  was chock -full of commands like " wash behind your cats " and " just you  get into the bath ." and "i'll have no more nonsense . " its aim ? to get through the day intact , and to end up with a pair  of fed  and washed boys .
ten-thirty . i  climbed ( naked) into a contraption  that reaembled an iron  boot and was encased in mud up to my neck .it was not not an entirely  pleasurable sensation . an hour later . i was hosed down by another honey blonde  in a white uniform . she directed a stream of water onto my torso . i yelped . it was  ice cold . the girl smiled encouragingly  ." you'tre  doing very well , mrs . lloyd ." her gaze slid over my stomach and hips .
i grabbled a towed and wrapped it round me . used as i was to being naked at the gym . i  had not until this moment appreciated how delightful and desirable modesty was .
after each procedure , the girls in charge - the white uniforms - wrote a report and slid it into the plastic  folder that every client carried around .
one o'clock . wearing dazzling white toweling dressing gowns . gisela and i met for a lunch of french beans and wal nuts in a lemon dressing .

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. there was a knock at the door and a girl in a shell pink uniform came in carrying a tray . she had thick fair pulled up into a ponytail and a stern exprression ." your breaskfast ." she placed a single cup of hot water with a slice of lemon beside the bed . it's a beautiful day ." she commented as she puffed back the curtains and warm sunlight flooded in ." you 've had your program explained to you ..." she pickedd up the printout on the table and checked it  ." do you  know where to go for your first appointment ? she pressed a hand on my foot under the bedclothes . it was a professional rough , designed to  reassure and give the illusion of  expertise ." enyoy your day ."
my body is a temple ." i muttered and sipped the hot water . on the breaskfast santisfaction  index , it had a ways to go .
at home , felix would be starring glumly into his cereal bowl as he did every morning breaskfast was not felix 's thing "not hungry ." lucas would have eaten his already , quickly and efficiently . they had grown cunning and wily . accomplices in deception . when he thought i wasn't looking , felix slid his bowl to his brother . i watched for that . nathan and i had discussed the propect of lucas becoming all-powerful over felix . nathn had scratched his head and said , without a trace of irony ." it's  the law of the jungle . they  will have to learn ."
"that 's strangle ." i said ." there 's something odd here sometimes you're the toughie , and sometimes the softie ."
"times change ." said nathan .
they had . they had . times had changed out of all recognition .
i picked up the phone and called eve  . "everything all right ."

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. but if the situation was left to nature there was absolutely no change of achieving them either . the selection of books  ranged on a shelf -  the insightful soul . ten step to a beautiful body , and managing oueselves added to the cool considered conspiracy .
 across the corridor that was covered in deep pile carpet , gisela occupied a room identical to mine - except that it was larger , had a complimenttary  fruit bowl , and the bathroom was draped with more towels .
no child ever set foot in clair manor . no child would be permited to invade its pinks , scented , draped and hushed interiors .
i stretched out to experiment with toe aerobics , and tried to recapture the uplift of spirits , i had  experienced when gisela and i had arrived in reception ." i can run amok " i confided to gisela  ." eat pickled onions and order  BLT  on room services at four in the morning ." she had looked at me oddly " minty this is  a health farm . may i remind you that your body is a temple "in the cold light of morning  , groggy with the sleeping pill  . an all too vivid  mental picture took shape . i bet lucas and  felix were sittin up in bed and saving to live "mumy 's gone too ."
as we at dinner ( mung beans and onion ragout ) roger phoned gisela twice for no good reason . gisela litened , soothed and apologized for intrusion  ." roger gets agitated when i go away . he hates it ."" she poke at a bean . "this is man who has run a couple of large companies and made millions ....."
"and ...." i prompted when she fell silent .
gisela grasped her water glass .." that's what i want to talk to you about . but not tonight  . tomorrow ."
the threat of the conversation to come loomed as the last vetiges of sleep fell away .

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. he had been  fond of saviing . take no  unnsense . let them know who's  leader  of the pack .occasionally  , i i tesedd hiin for  being pompous and - somestimes - i cried  because  i could not  get te hang of family life . here was the continuing conumdrum . how on earth had an intelligent , capable woman like me got  into such a muddle ?
i looked up , fully  expecting to hear nathan 's treat on the stairs . the hand on my shoulder , his voice in my ear  . then i heard myself murmur aloud ." nathan will never have really gray  hair ."
but all that lay in the past .
 go away , mumy .
at clair manor , i resorted to a sleeping pill and woke in an unfamiliar bed artifully  draped in muslim , a la lolonaise . across the room  , the curtains fell expensively to the floor , and the cushion on the chair sported antique tassels .
it was the kind  of room that was featured in magagines . it  exuded discreet fantasy  and reality . no one could , or would . ever live in it .
luxuriously and beautiful  run as it was , clair manor wa not an innocent place . in fact , its raison d'etre   was knowingsness  . in the  bathrooms there was a battery of portions and creams which  guests were  invited to secret in their promise were wanton and enticing - if we used these posed an interesting dilemma . there was no change that they could deliver what they promised .

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.  i need a little rest , felix . it's hard work looking . did you know that ?"
 felix and lucas took a suimultaneous step back exchanged some form  of extraterrstrial  communicvation - and without a word filed out of the room .
" i wins "  i called ," pkease  come back ."
they  climbedd the stairs ,  still  ominously silent , and went into their  bedroom ,. the door banged . an object was dragged across the floor and thumped agaist it . i went up to  investate ." felix . let me in ...lucas .." i rattled at thwe door , no answer  .
i drooped to one knee . applied an eyr  to keyhole  , and saw the back of the paintd chair wedged agaisnt  the door ." felix , lucas ..." i wished i should  moree ceertain , more like a parent in control .
for all the rsponse . i got . i might as well have been in outer space  . the twins  were  out of my sight  but there were  caution  flurries  of movement . the carpet pile  pressed into my knee  , my toes cramped as they always sis  did in that position  . in that position . i was a fool . in that position , the twins had the upper hand . as i got to my feet  , apiece  of paper  shot under  under the door ." go away . mummy " in green crayon .
i leaned  against  the wall    and crumpled  slowly slowly , wearily , to a sitting position . the misspelled ." mumy " was clear , accusatory , and reproaching  . it cut  like a knife .
 this was  usually  the moment when i demanded ." nathan will you  please  sort this one our ? the twins are naughty  revolting / obstinate /rying ...." looking back  i issued  the challenge to him more often than i cared to admit , and imperfectly  concealing  his pleasure  at my SOS   for a firefighter . . nathan would slouch into the fray ." you all need  you heads knocked together  just be firm ."

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. couple was eating each other up . deb  was gazing into chris's eyes , but his were fixed on syriol . the gloom and the  noise were uncomfortable , and i felt old .
"yes , i must ." i said ." but  i'll be back first thing on monday morning for the meeting  with ed ."
" mind you re  ," he said  ."we have to keep  pushing to slow  that we mean business ."
eve was also agreeable . she was briefed and bribed with double pay .  the meals  planned . i rang  paige andbegged her to act as backup . still smarting  from  our previous conversation , she was not  forthcoming  ." only  in n emergecy ."  she said  , "jackson  has hit maths  coaching on saturday  mornings  , and late has ballet all day . sunday we're at my mother 's "
the edifice of care was thus constructed . no expedition  to the moon  could have been planned in more  default ,  meals , clothes , money  . no contingencies couldhave been so closely considered .
i xplained to the twins that i was going away for two days and  two   nights  to a plac where  they made you pretty  , and  my promise  to take  them to see the dinosaurs at the natural history  museum when i rturned was written in blood .
but i was not  doing it very well . lucas jumped up and down on the spot ." don't leave me . don't leav me ."
patiently . iexplained that ve would be looking after  them , and it was not for long . i listened to myself  spell out - in soothing and placatory  tones - that  i would  be away . friday and saturday and be back to kiss them good night on the sunday .
"but you 're pretty already , mummy ." felix reached for blanky .
he had succeeded in pricking my conscienceee and i said .mre crossly than i intended .

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.      chapter   nineteen
i planned my assault on barry carefully .
la hacienda nightclub was flights of steps underground and sparing on lights  . barry , chris , deb , gabrielle syriol , and me here to celebrate the green  light for pointe of departure . chris and deb lounged on a sofe and syriol was dancing solo in the gloom on a small sqwuare of dance floor .
the sound levels on iggy pop was deafening . barry sucked at a bottle of barcadi breezer ( reduced sugar ).
i took a swig of teqila and ytthe salt burned my lips ."barry ."
 i shouted ." can i leave early a week from friday ? there 's no meeting or anything . i've checked ."
he removed the bottle from his mouth and shouted back ." why ?"
i edged closer and put my lips to his ear , hoping he would not get the wrong idea . "weekened away ."
"must you ?" he yelled .
i glanced round . the strobe light  configured on the dance floor had turned syriod  a peculiar color . on an adjacent sofa , a

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. " is that true ?"
i thought of chris sharpe and his ambitions . " i think so . or rather . i don't wish to give them an opprtumty to  prove it ."
"of course . i see that absolutely . we'll go at a weekend ."
asthe car slid to a half  in front of the restaurant, she turned to me ; " you are looking bad , minty . pale and sad . that isn't good for paradox . you must give yourself two days off , it's the least you can do ." she reached over , took my hand , and patted it ." it's a deal and i won't take no for an answere .
that night when i got ready for bed , i forced myself to coduct a mirror session . the eyes and the hair it reflected were lank and lusterless . most at all  , my eyes bothered me , they were lifeless .

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.a variety of expressions chased across gisela's smooth complexion . then she said briskly . " beart it you must ." she opened her bag produced her diary ." now , i need your advice . or rather . i'd like to talk to you so . i'm going to offer you a bribe ."
"i suppose it's about marcus ."
"in a way everything is always  about marcus . i've tried not to let it be , but it has proved impossible . he's sort of ....always there ."
"because you want him to be . i promised out .
" i suppose so ."
the car slowed for a traffic light . the thought of the expensive food  that gisela  was about  to buy me made made  me feel a little nauseous  ."gisela , i want you i';m not that hungry . my appetire  seems to have deserved me ."
"that  's no surprise .look at it  this way .many women would kill to be in that position  . i want to whisk you off to claire manor for  a couple of days pampering ,  the treat's on me , you 'll have listen to my problems and you might forget yours ."
i reached over and touched her elbow . you are lovely . it would be ..."then i heard myself say ." but ii 's bit soon for me to leave thje twins . i don't think i could do it to them ."
steel crept into gisela's limpid , sympathene gaze ." yes , you can , minty .'"
i tried another  , perfectly truthful , tack ." i can 't afford it . gisela ."
"i'm paying , that's the point ."
"i can't take any more off from work , not one  second . paradox is waiting for an excuse to offload me , now  that . i'm a liability .

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. "felix and lucas are suffering terribly .
paige succeeded in prizing charlie away frome ." i appreciate your concern , minty , ' her face closed , " but i'd rather you didn't interfere in this one ."
"don't image because i've been away that i'm letting you out of my sight , " gisela said . " i want to know everything . you will hate me being a busybody , but you'll also be grateful ."
gisela had been in the south of france for a month , and on her return , she phoned and arranged to take me out to lunch . the vistemax  car  had picked me  up frome paradox ; a little perk that i made no efort to hide from deb et al . gisela  was installed inside it . she was tan and fit and kissed me warmly . i kissed her back , for i had missed her .
"i hope you 're demanding  answere  from theo ," she continued ." unless you are stroppy , lawyers let things drift ."
the car purred off in the direction of kensington , i gave an edited rundown on  the financial and legal situation , then assked ." did anyone help you , gisela , when you were struggling with all the details ?"
she hesitated ." sometimes ...well , marcus did . he 's good on that sort of thing ."
"actually , the details aren'e my main worry . it's the boys . they miss nathan ."
she glanced down at her hands , folded elegantly in her lap " it's  awful for you at the moment ."
"sometimes their sadness is almost  too much to bear  . they wanted to go looking for him the other day . they 'd packed their  bags ."

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. poor little boy ." she nuzzled his check with lingering tenderness ." mummy wil make it better .
i did not often think about my mother and it is safe to say that while she was a;ive , my mother did not often think about me in a real , proper , mothrly way . first , she was always too tired trying to earn a living after my fathr abandoned us . second , she did not like me . consequently . i lay many of life's ills  at her door because , as the self -help  manuals point out , it's your mother who sets the tone . when she was alive . i pretended she wasn't .
"listen to me ..." paige did not look up from charlie . i got up and i snatched poor charlie out of her arms . he felt bulky and compact and smelled of half -digest milk . he protested at this sudden change , but i didn't care ." you will listen to me to say to myself ." rose is so complacement . she doesn't care about nathan in the way he needs . she deserves a husband like nathan ." in the end . i felt it was almost my duty to take nathan than away ."
"and you succeeded so ?"
"you're missing the point , paige . you can reason yourself in and out of anything . that's the trouble with reason , it's flexible ."
paige stood up and held out her arms . " give me my baby ."
she ordered  ." he needs changing ."
i clung to charlie ." you can't honestly think that the children will he better off without martin .
"hark at who's talking ."

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. wen i tackled paige , she was unrepentant and not at all mad " martin dose not fit in with the children  ." she said  , as she hefted baby charlie from one breast to the other . i noted the breast was lokking less joyously  , abundant , and more floppy than it had been ." he's always coming home at the wrong time and wanting a meal or his shirts washed .
" linda can do that or some of it , surely ?'
she thought about this for a while . there was an exultant expression in her eyes that io did not recognize ." he prevents  me concentrating on the children ."
i changed my mind paige was unhinged ." have you been to the doctor lately  ?"
"no need  ." she addressed the fuzzy head of her suckiling son ." mummy 's fines , isn't she ? we're doing just fine ."
"you should go for another checkup ." i said .
there was hum of machinery  in the quite , organized kitchen diswasher . washing machine . upastair my twins were  being entertaing grudgingly by jackson and lara  . it was only four o'clock  on a saturday afternoon but the table was already laid for the children 's six o'clock supper , and the over timer had been primed to spring into life at five-thirty .
oddly at sea , i twisted my hands in my lap ." obviously , i cannot occupy the high ground on brokwen marriage ..."
"obviously ," said paige ridely .
"but that 's it , paige . i can say siomething because i know ."
" know what ?"
"how to convince yourseelf that waht you are doing is okay ."
little charlie thrust his head back and paige's nipple emerged with a popping noise ." oh , look ." she exclaimed , " he's got a sore lip .

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. despite the sun waiting my back . i felt chilled to the bone , " martin , paige has gone mad . are you sure the doctor . she's been going to is keeping an eye on her ?"
"as far as i know , but i've been away quite a lot ." he push" i know it's a lot to ask you , miinty , just at the moment , but if you could keep tabs on ed aside his untouched coffe ." it's a battlefield at home , but paige is sane and well . i've no doubt of that . each time she gives birth she beomes ...well , stronger and implacable .  like clytemnerstra or whoever that dreadful woman was who killed her husband for fun ."
"he had just slaughtered her daughter ."

had he ? oh , well ." he reached down for the handle of his bag ." it is perfectly  correct that i don't devote every waking breath , or every sleep[ing one , for that matter , to the children , i leave  that to paige ." "
" what did you want me to do , martin ?" i put te question gently ." do you wish me to do something ? although , i'm not sure what i could do except try to persuade paige that's she wrong ."
martin shot me a look ." try and persuade paige to do anything and you'll schieve the oppsite . but could you keep an eye on her ? she's not as trong as she thinks . he got wearily to his feet . " i have to go  ." large and baffled , he hovered above me .  i know it's a lot to ask you , miinty , just at the moment , but if you could keep tabs on her . sooner or later , she will come to her senses . actually , i'm not sure i want to live with her at the moment , she's so awful ." he yanked out the expanding handle of his suitcase  with some force ." she should never have left the bank . that 's where her energies are best deployed . children have ruined her .

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. marin blew into the cappuccino and the resulting ruffle on the froth mirrored hids frown . he looked worn out and angry . a dot of shoving crfeam nesting behind his left ear skewed his  confornist businesslike appearance .
"martin . this looks bad ."
"it is ." he picked up his cup and put it down again ." paige and i have split up   ." he admitted ." or , rather , she has told me to go ."
" what ? she hasn't said anything to me ."
natuaally , that was neither here nor there to martin . he raised his eyues and looked directly into mine ." you know the expression blow in the solar olexus ? it doesn't describe the half of it ."
a picture of nathan sitting in the blue chair  , dead , swam into view ." actually . i have some idea ."
"yes , of corse you do , i was forgetting ." he frowned and the hollows under his eyes looked alarming . this was a man who was hoping to be mistaken  , who was grappling with a mystery he suspected he had no hopes of solving .
' how long has it been brewing then ?"
h e shrugged ." who knows what goes on in my wife's mind ?"
i searched for a clue to paige's decision . had martin beaten her up ? demaned that she become a sex slave ? i  tried the obvious line ." you can go a little mad after having a baby . i think i did . you feel so unsettled and unsure ."
"paige ?" he said ."nefver ." yet his bewwildrment and hurt  were so profound that i could almost touch them ." paige feels that i don't pay enough attention to the children but apparently demand too much from her . she says she has enough children to look after and needs to concentrate on them . according to my wife , i get in the way ."

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. well ..' i managed finally , why don't we think about itr in bed ?"
fifteen minutes later , they were both asleep , but not before i had extracted  promise from them that they would never , ever leave the house without telling a grown-up . i lay awake , born aloft on a layer of biscuit crumbs because they had insisted  on eating their provisions .
'minty ...." a voice called behind me as i was clashing out of number 7 on the way to work .
it was martin . he was in his office suit , with a briefcase and a matching overnight bag in  the softest leather , the kind top executives favored . " i was hoping to catch you . i'm sorry i haven't been around , but i 've been so busy  .paige tells me you're coping , but ...." he placed a finger under my chin and titled it up ." bit pale , thinner , but that's to be expected ."
i licked my dry lips . almost , i had almost forgotten how to resp[ond to human beings , let alone friends .
"i'm afraid i need to talk to you ." he said .
"trouble , " he conceded ." have you got time ?"
i glanced at my watch ."i\'m due at a meeting in an hour ."
that would take up the morning . lunchtime would be devoted to struggling uptown to buy new uniforms for the twins .in the afternoon , a final meeting was scheduled with ED golightly at the BBC  and everyone was crossing fingers for the green light . with luck and a following wind , i would make it home to bathe the twins . " i have time ."
"coffee then ?" martin jerked a finger at the cafe on the conner .
we sat a too small table that lurched alarmingly . if one or other of us leaned on it .

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. i scraped the rubbish into the bin and the lid banged shut
a deep , unhealed loss held me in its tight grip .
i was woken by the sound of starlings on the stairs . i glanced at the clock - five - thirty AM  . groaning , i got out of bed .' and just what are you two doing ?" i demaned . the twins were dressed and kitted up with their school  rucksacks . " and what are you carrying ?"
]"it 's our food for the journey ," felix explained .
"turn round ." felix so , and i unzipped the rucksack . inside i found an apple and a couple of bourbon  biscuits  and blanky . " did you pinch these from the tin ?"
'it's for our journey ." lucas repeated .
" what journey ?"
felix tugged at my sleep suit ." a special journey , mummy ."
i sat down on the top stair . " you were runing away without  telling me . i wouldn't have liked that , you know ."
this worried felix ." we're going to find daddy ." he said
to hide the rush of sharp , hot tears , i dropped my had into my hands . there were further starling rustles  and a twin inserted himself on either side of me . i put  out my arms and drew them close ." what am i going to do with you ?" they knew enough to know the question  wass rhetorical  , and neither answered ." i've told you both about daddy . he'ss gone to another place where he will be perfectly at peace , but he can't ever come back ."
" oh , yes he will , " said lucas ." when we dig him up ."
i ached for their misery . i pressed them close . my sadness wass now complete , and i searched desolately for the best words ,the right thing to do .

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. she gave a little laugh ." well , as little as possible . did i tell you he's been promoted again ? so have i , in a modest way ." the printer choked , interrupting her ." oh god , i must go . i'm trying to print out a delivery note to go with a huge order of christmas candles from liberty's  and the printer keeps jamming  . will you let me know as soon as possible ?"
through the open door , i caught sight of felix sticking out his leg and lucas go sprawling over it . i switched my gaze back to the kitchen . if nathan was sitting at the table with me , he would say : she's my daughter . and i must help .
i took a deep breath . "i'm worried you're in trouble . poppy . would you  like to talk things over sometime ?"
"no...' and her panicky voice convinced me that i was right ." it 's none of your business ."
are you sure ?"
poppy turned hostile ."i'am absolutely sure , thank you , minty . could we leave it now? pklease . "
"i'll ask theo to get in touch with you ."
i terminated the call and went to say hallo to the the twins , who occupied me for the next couple of hours . but i was trouble by my conversasion with poppy .
later , coming downstairs , my eye lit on a vase of dying irise in the hall , i carried them into the kitche and emptied the water , which smelled disgusting . by mistake , i dropped one of irises  onto the floor and scrubbed at it with a tissue , which disintegrated , wearily , i got to my feet to fetch the dustpan and pain flickered in my knees . that made me  smil . nathan had married me because he thought i would make him young again . but instead i had grown older .

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. to know how i was managing . without waiting for an answer , they proceeded to tell me how they would manage . i had begun to feel like a large fish in an aquarium where viewers are parked below the water level so they can enjoy uninterrupted views of the exposed underbellies . no one ever condidered the shark's right to privacy , they should .
obediently , i rang poppy at the candle factory ." it's minty ."
since the funeral . we had met only twince , each time with the twins , and our conversation had remained withn the bounds of politeness .
" thank for ringing ." she said , more  hesitant than usual . in the background . i could hear the subdued whine of a printer  ." the thing background , i could hear the subdued whine of a printer ." the thing is , minty . i wanted to ask you how things were progressing with dad's will ."
was it old that poppy had noy talked to theo herself ? we ..." i emphasized the "we" -.... will have to wait a little longer . the is still waiting for probate to be granted ."
she hesitated . " so we are no closer to sharing out the money ?"
"theo is doing this best ."
"it takes such a long time ." poppy 's urgent cry echoed down the phone ."can't we hurry it up ?"
"is there some problem about the money ? theo explained it quite carefully , i thought . have you got a complaint ?"
"no, no , nothing like ." she countered hastily ." i was just wondering , that's all . theo did say that sam and i were due our share , and i could ...do with my mine . there are one or two things that i must ...i would like to use it for ."
"vcan't richard tide you over ?"
"no ." her voice veeed upward ." i mean yes . i will ask richard . he's always so generous . but i don't rely on my husband ."

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. i'll email him and get an invite for for nora . she can sit next to the controller at the dinner ." he grimmed at chris and me ." that's it then , guys ."
on the way home , i picked up winter coast from the cleaners a couple of botles of fruit juice from the shop on the corner of lakey srteet . the day had been warm and sunny . in mrs . austen's window box , a bright blue lobelia been feeling happy about it . yet if any one had wished to ask me - if nathan had been there to congratulate me on a successful pitch - i woul;d have replied . you know , i don't care that much .
eva was  washingin the kitchen ." the boys are outside ." she said ." it is so nice out there ." she stacked the plates and said . " i go now ." and disappeared up to her room . her radio snapped on .
i squinted out the back door . the boys were running about in their pajamas and did not notice me . i listened to my phone message . poppy's breathy voice filled kitchen . could i ring her officed ? she would be there until late : next up was sue frost . had i decided about beravement counseling ? i ran myself  glass of water  and drank it ; if being married invaded one's privacy , it was even more so more so as a wondow . everyone wanted to help themselves to a bit of my predicament . mrs , jenlins was constantly  on the phone advising me on how to handle the twins . paige and gisela frequently offered contradictory  advice . mrs , austers asked point that i sign up for a course of colonic irrgation . " it's so cleansing . at a time like this you can't afford to home toxins ." others demanded .

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. he was rifling through  the paradox clossier entiled point of department that i had prepared and sent in to him two weeks earlier . he did not look up ." sir " then , at last ." right ." he had the grace to  add apologeticallly ." i've just gotten around to reading this . "
i heard barry click his tongue against his teeth but chris said ." take you time , ed ."
" would you like me to run through ?" i offered ." the idea and format is simple . a well -known ballerina will try hand at tango , break dancing belly  dancing , and rock and roll ..."
ed leaned back on his chair ." any particular ballerina in mind ...?"
barrry took over . "nora pavance . she 's excited about the idea . legs that do things you wouldn't believe ."
'very banjage . very personable . can talk to antone ." chris said .
ed grimaced . " i have a problem , a big one . as an arts editor  . if i submit any idea to controller two with the world ' dance ' in the title , he'll  utter profanities . or laugh . that's the way it is . now if i said nora had agreed to have live cosmetic surgery ; no problem ..."
chris asked , " do you have any buget at all ?"
ed was guarded ." a little ."
at this point , i suggested ." why don't we get nora to meet the controller ? is there a do comming up where we could arrange it ? i'm sure if he met her , he 'd be charmed ."
ed seemed marginally more galvanized by the project and rifled through his dairy ." he 's giving a lecture at the royal television society ..."
barry cut in in . " easy then , ed i know the director of the RTS  . he used to work for me on the late , late , late show .

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.           chapter eighteen
 two months later , at three o'clock precisely , barry , chris , and i disgored  out of a taxi ay  BBC  's  television center in wood lane  . " right ." said harry , after he had paid the( very large ) taxi fare  . " now to battle ."
 i murmured ." all for one and one for all ."
barry murmured ." glad yoy haven't lost your sense of humor , minty ."
the center had been built in the 1950s and was a maze of studios , stacked scenery , and coffee bars in old corners . ed golightly's office was situated in the basement of E . block ;  opposite snenery block A . WE   were ushered through a half-empty production office and in a room which was furnished with a black leather sofa and chairs  and overlooked the hammersmith and city line .
ed was short and red haired , a condition to which he drew attention bu constantly  running his hand through it . he had the world-weary  expression of a men who had devoted his life to the tough business of pushing throuh arts  pro programs onto the air .

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. nathan had abandoned rose and their life in number 7 lakey street  because he had developed a yen for somethiong that was unpreditable , spontaneous , and glamorous . he wanted to try another way of living before it was too late ." your flat is perfect ," he had said , flinging himself down on the (necessarily )  small double bed ." " we are free of all those tedious domestic complications ."
i did not tell him that he was not seeing straight . that would have embarrassed him  . no one wishes to be told that they are trying fruilessly to turn the clock back .
" you do understand ?" he asked .
i stroked his face  ." we 're free as birds ."
i did not confess  to entertaining an attractives mental picture of a woman moving around the kitchen at number 7 ....or a woman presiding over the dinner table .... clean socks in the drawers , milk in the fridge , soap in the bathrooms in a house where there was plenty of space . that woman was me .
the clock said five-ffteen A.M . I RAN MY HAND OVER MY BODY , AND FELT my rib bones outlined more sharply than before . my eyes  stung . my head was thick and heavy . there was no more sleep to be had that night . i got out of bed , went downstairs , and let myself out into the garden .
it was chilly , and i shiverred , a spot or two of rain fell onto my face asi picked my way over the lawn .
i should have been honest with nathan and told him . we won't be free . it isn't like that .
his death - his untimely , stupid death - deserved to be marked by more than small eruptiopns of anger between rose and me . nathan was owed a banquet , a cinermatic farewell , a clash of cymbals , i owed him an august sorrow thast would clease spite , guilt , and disappoinment .
i kew  this . i knew it very well . yet i found myself staring down at the rose . i reached over and grasped it by the stem . a thorn drove itself into th base of my thumb , and a pinprick of blood appeared . with a little gasp of pain , i pulled the rose from the earth .

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. " that 's your interpretation , not mine , "  rose said quiertly ." i'm only a guardian if you 're not around . it was a precaution  , thaty 's all ."
"i wish you'd vanish , " i said ." but you won't ."
rose swung round so abruptly that she dislodged a cup from the dresser , which fell to the floor . neitheir of us moved to pick it up . it rolled away and came to rest by the table ." i don't know what you spend your time imagining , minty ." her voice was flat ." but just think for a minute . i have tried to get rid of nathan . after he went off with you ... after you took him . i  had to remake my life , and it was tough . i have no wish to be dragged back into his . or yours , i don't want anything to do with your children ."
" then go away ."
"but equally , i have no intention of vanishing , as you put it , for your convenience . i will do as i wish , when i think fit ."
angry , jangled , and edging closer to despair , i lay awake for much of the night . the first time rose brought me back to number 7 and introduced me to nathan it had been a warm night . pwerfect , minty , for dinner in the garden . do come , before the introduction were completed , my disloyalty to her had already taken ashape . ithadn't been difficult to effect . as the three of us discussed the nature of long-lived friendships , i looked at nathan and widened my eyers just a fraction , that fraction was sufficient .
he said to me afterward . " i don't know what came over me , minty . i have sometimes been tempted  before , but i've never done anything ."
in the end , we had married thinking the other had wanted the opposite of what they really did . in a rush of blood to the brain .

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. she is not having my children , i thought , bleak and unfair  and sorrowing .
rose came into the kitchen and placed the wrapping on the table ." i don't know where you put the rubbish ."
"leave it ."
"fine , " there was a short pause ." " i must go becauise i have an article to write , deadlines ." the professional female was speaking to the professional female . you see and hear the exchange everywhere . two women lunching one or other taps her watch and murmurs . " the meeting " or ": you should see the house ." or . " i want to sleep for a decade . " rose and i used to talk to each other like that .
"go then ," i said .
she shook dirt the gloves into the sink ." about the children , minty ..."
" don't them into it .we're doing fine ."we're doing our best , i don't need help ."
again , rose glance at her watch , and there was a degree of hesitancy , " keep watering  the rose for a few days..."
"rose , you are nmot involved , okay ?"
she said softly , " don't take it out on nathan ..."
"nathan is dead  ," i hisssed through my teeth ." dead "."
across  the road mrs . austen , who had given up hope of any further street theater from us , was loading her car with plastic bags of rubbish . a  lorry was depositing a builder's askip on the opposite side of the road .
provoked beyond endurance , i cried , " did you plan this with nathan in one of your cozy chats ? did he say to you "' minty needs help . she 's not up  to looking  after  the twins' which was his way of telling you i was not up to scratch ."

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.felix moved closer to rose ." why are you crying ? mummy , why 's the lady crying ?"
i gave him a little shove ." go and find lucas , felix . i  think he's in your special camp ."
felix required no further urging . he scapered around the shed and disappeared . rose had turned away . she wiped her eyes on her sleeves , and sniffed .
"they 're a little difficult at the moment .i'm feeling my way ."
she did not answer  . hovering on tjhe borderline between irritation and murderousness , i said . " just shove the damn thing in , rose , and go away ."
"okay , i don't want to be here any more than you want me ." she began to pace up and down ." here ," she pronounced eventually ." if i plant it here you will be able to see it from the kitchen window ."
the frtilizer  had leaked  from the trug and left a white trail over the lawn . rose rubbed it in with her shoe and began to dig . last night there had been drizzle , and the damp soil yieled easily to the fork .
i  watched her ." when did nathan ask for help with tjhe garden ?"
" i can't remember ."
"lots of little chats about it , then ?"
a garden must have good hones , rose would have said . or something  similar . and no doubt , nathan had hung on her words .
"nathan and i kept in touch . obviously ."
did exchangingf gardening notes constitute adutery ? yes in a way - in a fatr more telling way than the actual slip-slap fdlesh on flesh . and elbow talk in the painting aftermath .

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. he must have been thinking of us both  . it belongs here , and in matters where it's planted ."
"what 's the point ?" i gestured at the garden ." it's not likely to flourish ."
rose hacked off the top of the package with the secateurs  . " i take it you'll  be living here for the time being ?"
" you know as well  as i do that i have to be here . anyway , the twins' school  is very close ." i peered at her ." i assume you have talked to theo all about the will ?"
"yes , i have ." she was not going to pursue the subject ." if you're staying here you should think about the garden ."
felix's little fingers pressed into mine ." rose . i don't think it is your business ."
that silenced her . no doubt rose was grateful for her little extra acquired immunity - for she had had time to get used to being without nathan . but i had not and i was not under control . she did not challenge my rudeness , but smiled at felix , who had raised hids head . his tears had creased , and he was studying rose with unabashed curiousity .
rose hunkered down to felix 's level ." we haven't really said hallo . felix ." she held out her hand ." i knew your daddy ."
felix dropped my hand ." daddy ..." he schoed , and favored rose with one of his devastating wide-eyed looks that i knw of old could reduce their recipients to weak - kneed adoration . rose's eyebrows flew up . and in the instant i could see that she had been ravished .
she swallowd ." he's so beautiful . and innocent , " she murmured , and her eyes filled ." and so lie ...him but , then , what else would you expect ?"

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. " why would i ? it's nothing to do with me ."
" you know perfectly well why you would ."
she hauled a pair of gardening gloves out of her handlbag " may i take a look in the shed ?"
i bent over felix . " why don't you show mrs . i loyd the shed , and i'll talk to luvcas ." but felix refused to cooperate and clung to my hand . as we passed the lilac trees , rose paused and pulled a branch toward her for inspection . she exclaimed sofily at its condition  , then allowd it to snap back .
weakened by neglect , the shed door shuddered when rose opened it . the interior was festooned in spiders ' webs a garden fork was propped against the wall , its tines caked with earth . there was a rusty trowed , a spade , and a stack of flowerpots . a packet of fertilizer stood in a conner , so old that it had hardened into a  lump . i prodded it with my foot ." nathan always meant to take this to the council dump ."
while i cornered lucas and ordered him to return blanky . rose ferreted around in the shed . she emerged with the fork and a trug with a splintered handle , into which she had teased a handful of the fertilizer ." now ..." she catalogued the wandering lines of the lawn , the tangle of weed and grass , the unpruned clematis . she shaded her eyes with a hand , and i knew she was peering into the past ." if i'm truthful .i didn't want you to be a gardener , minty , certainly not in my garden ."
her eyes betrayed a sudden amusement ." but , i needn't have worried ." she picked up the package ." where shall i plant this rose ?"
"i don't want it ."
her fingers curled round it protectectively ." but nathan sent it .

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. "probably " i flappede a hand at a damaged section of the fence ." the boys ball games . it ought to be mened but i was naver interestd in  it . nathan isn't ...i mean nathan wasn't occasionally . he had a fit of conscience and did a bit of digging . when i moved in here . he said that it had been your thing , not his . i took the implication to be that it was not mine either ."
"poor minty ." said rose , ultra-dry ." what a lot you had to put up with ."
there are a about behind the shed and felix emerged   red faced and wailing .' mum . he lit me ." he flung himself against my knees .
"shush ." i said  ." he didn't mean it ."
felix wail;ed hander and shook him gently ." shush , felix . say hallo to mas lloyd ."
but felix decided that he wanted a scene and upped the decibes  . "dontn't show me up .' i whispered to him at which felix threw himself down on the lawn and kicked his legs in the air . he looked like an angry insect . out of conner  of my eye . i caught sight of a grining lucas waving a stick to which he had attached felix's blanky . i transferred my attention back to the insect ,  who was now roaring . i tapped his bottom ." stop it " i said  sternly , which had no effect .
rose said .' oh   dear , " in the amused way that onlookers have when they really wat to say ." don't you have any control over your children ?" the blach rage , with which i was becoming familiar , swept over me . it was an ugly emotion and i manhandled the screaming felix upright more roughly than i should have done ." don't you dare say anything . rose ".

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. " ah ." said rose . she bent down and tugged at an elderly lavender bush ." you didn't care for my garden . you never did . "
rough moss infested grass . shrubs that required pruning . overgrown flowerbeds , these were the casual outrages , the result of nathan's and my neglect . "no , i never did .""
she straightened up , a sprig of lavender  in her fingers . funny , that i imagined that every blade of grass  and leaf would be imprinted on my memory  . but once you leave a place , you leave . or rather , it leaves you ."
i had devoted not inconsiderable time to imagining rose's feeling on being banished from her garden  ." you mean you forgot about it ?"
" no , i would never forget about it  ." she rolled the lavender between her fingers . " it holds the early days ....of us ...of me . but it wa no longer central ...."
"height , route , and rest ?" i asked ." did you build those in ?"
"height ? route ..." puzzle , she frowned . then her brow cleared ." you 're talking about the plan i sent to nathan ? did you like them ? he asked me for some ideas , and it sort of took off ."
"actually . he never mentioned them . i fiound them in a notebook ."
"oh ."  rose flushed fiery red , and her lips tightened ." if you like , i can send you what i suggested . i have a copy ."
" no , " i said ." no "
after a moment , she added . " i don't think natan liked it that i didn't mind doing the plans . i had an ideas  that he wanted me to say that i'd have nothing to do with it . i think he was surprised that i didn't mind . anyway . tjhat was why he ordered the rose , on't you think ?"

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. " even so ." i said bitterly . ' i don't want you involved with them ."
"for goodness ' sake ! " she flashed at me . " do you think i want to be ?she checked herself ." sorry ."
" i've realezed i didn't know nathan at all ."
rose sighed and said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world . " that 's what i thiought when he left . it astonished me how little . i knew about someone . i had lived with for so long . it happens all the time , and it's probably better that you can't pry into every nook and cranny of someone 's mind ."
" sometimes , i wonder  if nathan was so bored that he dreamed up the guardian scheme because it gave him something to think about  . " i knew perfectly well that i was traducing him .
rose evidently agree ." if you think nathan would have been so selfish .... " she sent me a glances that suggested that no bridge would ever span far or wide enough to connect us ." he was only thinking about much enthusiasm  . ' shall we get on with this ?"
smarting . i led he into the garden . but if i had been wrong to accuse nathan of self-gratification . it did not mean that his motives had been enirely pure .
the twins had burrowed out of sight behind the shed . on our reture from cornwall , their heads filled with tales of pirates and rock fortresses , they had set up a camp , which , they had informed me , was ver , very private .
" where are they ?" asked rose .
i pointed to the shed ." in their headquartes . i think it's the jedi battle command ."

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.but nice ." her eyes flicked toward the door ." how are you boys ?
are they in ?"
again i bristled . " they are in the garden .'
her eyes drifted past  my left shoulder to the back door  ." i didn't catched more than a glimpse of them at the funeral . it .... gave me quite a shock to see how like nathan they are , is felix the one with the slightly fairer hair ?"
"no . that 's lucas ."
' they seemed big for five-year-olds .
" they're six ." i said . they were six in march ."
"" sam was nothing like nathan until he was eighteen or so , then he turned into nathan's clone . iwionder if they're going to be tall like nathan ?"
"i have no idea ."
if rose imagined that she could spread her soft maternal wings over my childrren , she was wrong , wrong . i could never fault her as a mother , natan said never .
i gestured toward the kettele  ." can i make you some coffee ?"
"no, thank you ."
the shadows of four children fell ove the ensuing hard , cold silence .
i broke it . " the twins are not your business , rose i don't know what nathan was doin when he made that extraordinary ....."- i dropped my voice - " that senseless request . was he having a huge joke at our expense ? if i die or end up paraplegic or mad , my children will be with you . what was he thinking of ?"
she moved restlessly . " don't make too big a deal of it . minty . it's optional and not likely to happen ."

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.              chapter seventeen
. rose walked into the hall and waited . her gaze traveled over the unopened post on the table , to the moraine of shoes and jackets at the foot of stairs and the pile of ironing on the chair .
"don't look at untidy it is , " i said , "it's been difficult ."
"of course ." of course , you won't have been able to cpoe ." she fixed on nathan's coat , still on the peg ." when nathan left , it was the samre , stuff everywhere . no sense to the day . no shape ."
i bristle ." do we need to rake over old ground ?"
" there isn't any point in preending that what happened didn't ." rose 's shrug had changed . it was no longer weary and burdened , as it had been years ago , but a light and sophisticated an almost gallic ,  gesture .
i led her into the kitchen . she placed the package on the kitchen table ." you're made it nice ." she said ' different but

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. i thrust the package back at her ." go away . don't come back ."
rose should have obeyed . any reasonable person would have done so . a reasonable person would have seen where the line had been drawn , and that the old loyalties were finally dead .
but she was not prepared to give up ." it's a plant for the garden . he must have ordered it months ago ."
" a plant ? what on earth for ? he rarely went into the garden ."
" you know he was thinking of redoing it . in fact , he was quite excited at the idea ." she pointed to the package ." it deserves a chance , don't you think ?"
" why ?"
" lots of reasons , not least that nathan obviously wanted a rose ."
"it's a rose ?"
" a while one ."
the urge to throw back my head and laugh hysterically at this extra twist of the knife was strong ." i don't know anything about olants ,"
" but i do ,"
it was ridiculous . nathan shoul have been more careful , but then , in conflating his tow wives , he was making a point . or perhaps hew reached a fork in the road where he had been too tired to consult the map ." you want to come in and plant this thing ?"
"well , yes , i don't feel we can waste it , under the circumstrances .'
i thought of all the reasons why i would not want rose to come inside the house , bearing this muddle gilf from nathan .
" i haven't much time ." she shifted the package to her other hand and checked her watch , a plain square cartier that rested on a tanned wrist ." so?"
across the road , mrs . austen was entranced by this dramma on the doorstep . she put down her fork and wiped her hands on her blue and white apron. any minute now , and she would cross the road and push herself onto rose and me .
i stepped aside ." you'd better come in ."

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. rose was on the doorstep , clasping a long brown paper package . she was wearing jean and a short , tight jacket . she seemed straned and harassed instinctive i made to shut the shut the door , but she placed a foot on the step and prevented me ." don't , minty ."
"i'm not sure i can take this ," i ssaid , with , with a sour taste rising in my throat ." but thank you for your letter ."
"you look awful ." she peered at me ." are you taking care of yourself ? you should , you know . have you seen the doctor ?"
" there 's no point , rose . go away and don't come back . we're not friend anymore ."
" that 's true ." she nodded reflectively ." but you still need someone to check up on you ." she added ." i know what it's like ."
" don't you think that's what makes it impossible ?"
" in normal circumstances , but these are'nt . so .... herre i am . "
dseveral cars roared down the street , folllowed by a lumbering white van from which blared heavy rock music  . opposite , mrs . austen glanced up from her pots . fork in hand , she stared openly at us .
" be kind , if only to a dog . is that it ?"
" that's it ."
the sourness turned into humiliation ." kindness to canines apart , there must be some other reason ."
she hel;d out the package ." i think this is meant for you . i've opened it , it's from nathan ."
i examined the label . it was addressed to minty llloyd but the actual addresss was rose's ." the wrong wife ."
she s,miled wryly ." maybe nathan had fallen into the habit of thinking of us as a composite . he always waas thrifty ."

225 wivesbehavingbadly

. the following saturday , i cooked sausages and mash for lunch , and the boys and i are together , afterward , they demaned to go into the garden and i retreated into nathan's stydy . i gave it a good hard appraisal . when it came to his study , nathan had a tendency to believe like a bear in its den . don't touch anything . it was very much his room  masculine and utilitarian , cluttered with papers and now a little dusty . don't touch anything .
but in getting through a situation such as this one - my personal nuclear winter - i must look over the parapet . good girl , i heard paige say .
panting with the effort , i put my my shoulder to the desk and prised it , inch by inch , from its berth . why did you leave us , nathan ? why didn't you take more care ?  yes , i am angry with yoy , i shoved it over to the window and the chair followd . if i sat in here , i could see the garden , where the twins were casing a squirred .
wrong , i thought , rubbing my shoulder . you're wrong , rose anger makes you strong .
the study seemed bigger , and unfamiliar , a friendly area on which i would imprint what wished , moving the desk had let loose a snowstorm of papers ; including a directory of key vistemax employees which went straight into the bin , invitation , a timetable , and an out-of-date list of golfing fixtures at a club i had never heard of . they went into the bin too .
 the dooorbell rang . the silence in the house was so pleasant , rather reassuring in fact , that i was tempted to ignore it . rang a second tme ,  and i went to see who it was .

224 wivesbehavingbadly

. oh , were absolutely fine , i heartd myself say into the phone to mrs . jenkins who had  rung up to ask if i needed extra help with the boys . or , that would be such fun when millie's mother rang up to invite us to a picnic on the common , giving the impression that the boys and i were thoroughly enjoying nathan's being dead .
i never found nathan's diary although i searched his drawers and files , i went through the the car , his pockets . i went through the bookshelves . at the finish , i was forced to concede i had lost the tussle between us  . nathan had decided to deny me the intimacies revealed on its pages and i grieved for that too .
yet there was a curious beauty to grief , a haunting , solitary beauty that was hard to describe and more than a little alarming . it was almost a oleasure .
meanwhile . i worked steadily throgh the letters in the study , determined to reply  to them all .
when got round to sorting out the piles of newspapers that had accumlated since nathan's death which i had never read  . i came across an ad in one of the supplements for the shifiaka exhibitation  that gisela had taken me to see . i examined the painting . a series of tree brushstrokes created a forest glade , a mixture of deciduous and pine . imposed on the mesh of foliage were the lines of trunks and branches so rigid and black they added an air  of menace to what should have been a traquil vista . i showed this to felix , who said ," ugh ."
" why ugh , felix ?"
"because  there are nasty things , looks , mummy ."
felix had seen instantly that the leaves on the trees were withered  and the outcrops on the tree trunks were clumps of insects , not natural growths . printed at the bottom of the painting was the legend : " only beestles survive the nuclear winter ..."

223 wivesbehavingbadly

. " closure , " i offered .
"a listening ear .... just ring this number ."
she went away , leaving me with the leaflets .
scense from our married life .... summoned to help me counter the torture of sleeplessness .
"these are for the bride ." nathan returned from his first day back at work after our honeymoon and presented me with a bouquet of such beauty that i cried out with pleasure ." this is to make up for no flowers at the wedding "...
"broccoli needs butter  ." nathan stared at the plate when i served him up broccoli into which i had mixed pine nuts and raisins ." why do we have to gussy up vegetables ?" because ." i said , "it to make stick -in--the-mud like you sit up a little . things are  changing including broccoli ." nathan dropped his head  in his hands and groaned ." nothing is sacred ." he added ." i hate broccoli ."....
in the bedroom , i drew the bustier out of the elegant carrrier bag in which it was packed . from the bed , nathan 's eyes flicked over it ." put it on , inty . i want to see you in it ."
i looked down at it : such a pretty , sexy thing . into it i would insert a body altered by chilbirth and pretend that it wasn't .
minty ...." nathan was impatient . ." put it on . it will be like ... it used to be ."
that was what nathan wanted . he craved the sharp , heightened excitement of our affair , the novelty of his willing inventive mistress .
i gave a tiny sigh , and did as he asked and thus accoutred , joined my husband on the bed - but i was no longer willing or inventive for i carried a tally of the past , of routine and fatigue . no bustier would ever mask those ....

222 wivesbehavingbadly

. sleep was unpredicable , and i asked myself difficult questions . would nathan have known as he died what was happening to him  ? had it been painful ? i prayed not . but perhaps , it he had understood what was happening , he had been granted the chance during the final seconds to think thank you for a good life . i can't imagine what it must be like to die  with the conclusion . i had an unsatisfactory , woeful , beastly life .
did he manage to think about any of us ?
the self-help manual after life ,  which i was now reading , said we cannot possibl comprehend death . anything we think we know is a fantasy .
i want to know how the author knew .
sue frost turned up at the house . at first , i did not reconize the figure in pink cutoffs and matching loafers , for she looked older than the woman whom i had encountered in the supermaket ." surprised ?" she said .
"well , yes . but no ."
sue held out a bunch of peonies and a couple of leaflers " for nathan 's sake , i brought you these ."
her  eyes filled and so , to my distress , did mine . ." thank you , " i managed .
"we will miss him ." she was weeping openly now ." we really love him ."
the tears were rolling down my cheeks and i lashed out . " but not enough to recognize me , which would have made him happy ?"\
now it was sue's turn to be surprised . " yes , well ," she wiped her cheeks with her sleeve ." we all do things we regret . the leaflets . i don't you if you know , i'm a trained counselr  . in fact i run the op[eration . if you would like , if you feel you need help .... if you need ..."

221 wivesbehavingbadly

. " you will be obliged to sell the house and the proceeds will be invested for the twins ."
he left me to reflect that since theo 's hourly fees made anyone's eyes water , this had been a very expensive way to learn that celibacy paid .
i climbed onto a bus . at least i knew that in the coming months . i must be vigilant . extra vigilant . those months , possibly years , would require energy and attack . at the moment , i was not sure i possessed either . what i did have was an overwhelming  sense of panic . that would have to do . in fact , its blackness and sharpness would do very well .
theo advised me to draw up a list of priorities , plus a financial timeable  ." be ruthless , " he had said , " put together all the facts and figures to see the whose picture . it will make it easier foe you ."
fact :  there was no one to fall back on .
fact : i must get used to it .
fact : a widow with two children was hampered in what she could do to survive .
fact : after  cataclysm , my mind indulged in curious illusions .
once , early in the morning , i stumbled downstairs and there nathan was in kitchen making breakfast . coffee . bacon . toast - all those lovely aromas  . he was in his dressing gown  , whistling under his breath ." hallo . ' i said with a rush of pure delight ." you're up early ." without turning round , he reached back and slipped his arm around me .
then he was gone .
yes, my mind skittered about . concentration lapsed and i found it hard to read .