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was the real nathan the man who color - coded his files ? who said we have to be careful with  money .  the man who longed to put on a worn pair of jeans and battterred boots and walked the cliffs above priac bay ? or was he the man who propped himself on his elbow and searched unsuccessfully for the words to explain how happy he felt ?
" rose . i've madee a decision . nathan will be buried in altringham . i thought it better hre be somewhere where he was known , where he won't be alone ."
" oh , minty ." rose was almost inaudible ." thank you ."
barely a half hour later , poppy was  on the phone . she was hostile and cold and i no less so . about the hymns , minty . dad's favorite was ' inmmortal , invisible ." we ahould start with that . he was vey particular about  hymns ."
" was he ?"
" you wouldn't know , perhaps , you don't need hymns when he married you . and ' love , divine , all loves excelling ' to finish with ."
i groped  for a dim memory of various weddings , i had attened with nathan when those hymns had been sung ." i don't think he liked either of them , he thought they were boring ."
but poppy had appointed herself keeper of her father's flame , and in this matter  she was not to be denied . her voice trembled ." i think we're the ones to know what dad liked or disliked ..."
during the first verse of " immortal , invisible ." sam bent his head and wept , jilly slid her hand unobtrusively under his elbow and pressed closer . he edged away from her and blew his nose , jilly dropped her hand and stared straight ahead .

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          chapter fourteen
rose telephoned as i was planning the order of service . she ask me how , i was , had i managed to sleep , then went straight to the point . " minty , i would like to give an address at the funeral ."
" do wives give addresses ?"
" i am not his wife , remember . i'm a .... well , friend-wife ."
" i thought only people who didn't care too much gave the address , otherwise you break down ."
" it's my last gift to him . the children  would like it ."
" your children ."
" nathan's children ." she sounded every far away .
" where are you  ?"
" romania . a trip that had been planned for months and i couldn't get out of , but 'm cutting short . it is agreed ? only five minutes , but i don't trust ..."
" trust , " my voice echoed feebly .
' anyone else to give the real nathan ."

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the fingers were trebling ,. one of my thumbnails had torn on the lock , and a tiny pearl of blood  was drying on the cticle . i sucked at it ,. the metallic taste made me retch.
 i halted by the lilac  : tree - such a perfect resting point in the route around the garden . ( rose knew that ) . i looked up into it . a few leaves loose . the colors hurt my my eyes ; the sounds and scents of new growth were unbearable .
the young and pretty , one of rose 's friends had said ( and poppy had told me ) in order to comfort her when nathan left here , could be pretty wicked . but they only got away with it for a short time .
seven years , to be precise .,
" nathan ," i murmured into the fresh , sparkling morning ." what would you want ? " do you want to lie in a peaceful churchyard under the yews ? or would you rather be where you had lived , fought , hustled , and made your children ?
 my eyes filled , definitely , i would have to mow  tjhe lawn , and i hadn't a clue how to set about it , but it could not be that difficult .

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he grimaced . " it's easy to tell you have never been married ."
" you must have done once ."
" it gets buried , minty . under everyday ." he held up a hand and ticked off on his fingers ." bills , traveling to and from work  : endles discussion about the children . house mainternance ."
i  remember feeling outgraged on rose's behalf  . that was to my credit , at least ." she only bore your children , kept house , warmed your bed , nd , no doubt , sorted your socks . all to make your life easy ."
" i can't deny it ." nathan pushed me down and kissed me , his mouth hot and lazy   WITH SPENT PASSION .
had nathan , when he was married to me , purchased a bottle of good champagne and stolen a lunch hour with rose ? had he drawn her down onto the blue and white quilt , kissed her bare shoulders and afterward , propped himself up for the delights of ewlbow talk ? would he have confided to ex- wife : " minty and i only discuss bills and house maintenance but you , you , rose , offer me love more perfect that i imagined "?
i wish , i wish i had told nathan then , over the padded satin heart , that i loved him , because it would have made  him happy .
the lawn was ragged  , and the bioys had trampled the worm casts into the grass . verry soon i would have to think about mowing it , which i had never done . that had been nathan's department . felix's football  had been abandoned by the door ; i picked it up , and flakes of dried mud dusted my fingers .
i was ravenous , but food nauseated me . i choked  when i bit into a piece of bread or tried a mouthful of omelette between my lips . yet hunger was making me shaky and weak . held up my hands and examined them .

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tousled and windb;own , in his favorite  gray office suite , he seemed substantial and capable of action . yet as it turned out , that pleasing outer casing was host to a network of those highways and byways that had hidden treacherous blockages .
yet as i pondered and deciphered , i saw so clearly that we are the  architects of our own deaths . nathan 's brain and lungs belonged to the successful , upright man , but layers of his secrect grief had been laid down in his arteries , and they killed him  .
i abandoned the postmortem  on the kitchen table  , unlocked the door to the garden  , and went out into the bright sunlight .
it was spring .
early in our affair , during one of the lunchtime sessions at my flat , nathan gave me a valentine . it was large , vulgar , and had a padded pink satin heart at the center ( hids idea  of a joke ) . inside he wrote :  in spring , thoughts turn to love ."
" love ,"  he said dreamily , propped on an elbow , " i wish i could describe what it feels like ..." with his other hand , he ran his fingers up and down my bare shoulder , a whispered caress . " i had forgotten how perfect it is ."
back in the office at vistermax , a mini production crisis was brewing . white i was illicitly kissing her husband  , rose was snatching a sandwich lunch at her desk and dealing with it .
" you will forgive me ..."  - nathan 's finger rested on my breast -" if i'm rusted on the suject ."
" of course , " i answered . now that the sex was was over , i was impatient to be back in the office to see what was going on .
he lay back on the pillows . " i feel you've rescued me , minty . given me back a sense of ourpose ."
" do you never talk to rose about this sort of things ?"

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i passed a hand over my face ." there were so many calls . i couldn't  cope with them ."
" that 's why i'm here to help ."
" that 's nice , paige ."
" how ar you feeling ?"
" my husband has died ."
" not all bad then , " escaped frpm paige 's lips , and was followed by , " sorry , unforgiveable ."
thus it was that i found mysef sitting at the kitchen table rocking with hystrical laughter at paige's unforgiveable joke . charlie burped and regurgitated a stream of milk , and she dabbed at his mouth .
" my husband is for sale , " she remarked ." any offers ?"
the pos brought a copy of the postmortem . i sat at the kitchen table and deciphered it word by word .... decoding the medical terinology in order to understand the precise nature of nathan 's heart , ungs , and brain .
the brain is fine , i could have told them that . any fool ( which) included roger ) knew that . snap , snap . the messges in that brain zipped uneringly from synapse to synape . one of those messages had been a simple one : i must provide for my family , another : let me on with my job .
nathan 's lungs ? for a man of his age , in execellent conditin .
the arteries ?  if it  could be put this way , they had been natan 's achilles 's heel .
how often had i observed his outer casing ? hundreds of times , he was a man who loked good for his age .(nb , a label that is quite different in meaning when applied to the male ,) . he looked right in his old blue shirt at home . or on the beach ,

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the baby shrieked . paige ignored him and went into battle for me ." minty has every right as nathan's wife to decide where he's buried . i'm sure that , when yoy've thought about it , you will agree ." it  was the calm , reasonable voice she used for negotiations in the days when she led the team .
my immediate concern was not to cry . i woud have diedf rather than show my guilt and , yes , shame . weakness too . poppy turned to richard sent me a look that suggested he would deal with poppy in private .
" richard ," i said . " i'm not being difficult for the sake of it .
" no wonder , " poppy spoke slowly and quitely ." no wonder dad's heart were out . it wore out by you ."
" that is outrageous , " said paige .
" i will forget you said that , poppy ." to richard i addedd " but you must both go , now ."
they left behind the bitter residue of the things said and thought , paige dumped the baby in my arms and shuffled painful around  the kitchen - " the episiotomy watz , minty "- and made yet another pot of tea . she wrapped my fingers around the mug and kissed me . i held on to the baby , whose tiny face was crumpled with the effort of being alive ," you know what i said about secondhand experience ? well, this isn't ,"
" no ," said paige ." it can't be ." she sat herself down with a groan and reached for the baby ." sorry about  butting in . i phoned you and phoned you , minty , but you anwsered ."

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i...use.... feel strongly that dad would wish to be at altringham where he was brought up . he told mum he would . he did . ask her ."
all this was forein territory , and poppy's declaration knocked  the wind out my chest . he lived in london for most of his life , poppy . and what about the boys? they will want to visit his grave and it should be easy fot them to do so ."
" " you can't want him in some grim , municipal cemetery . all that disgusting soil and traffic . i know he lived here , but he now belongs where he was brought up . everyone does . it's a sweet churchyard all calm and peaceful ."
" no , " i said ." no , he musty be near the boys ."
poppy planted herself fourssquare in front of me ." please ,  minty . i beg you . i know we don't see eye to eye , but we should be obviously considered the clincher ." it would help mum ." her chest heaved and the kitchen was filled with a cold , terrible sadness .
there was a movement behind me , and paige came back into the kitchen , she had taken off the sling and draped a muslin square with the baby over her shoulder  : " but don't you think minty has a point ? it's important for felix and lucas ."
" please ." poppy sounded dangerously overwrought : " i don't want to be rude you . please don't interfere ."
" the boys would want him here ." i repeated stubbornly .
" i want him here in london ."
poppy's pupils enlarged so violently that i thought she was about to faint : " you never did think of anyone except yourself ."

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there was a clatter by the front door , the hissed admonition ." that is not the action of a well- behaved person ." and paige shuffled bulkily into the kitchen holding lara's hand and carrying the baby in a sling . " minty , minty , i cause as soon as i could manage ." she abandoned lara . the baby bumped between us as paige crushed her face to mine ." what can i say ?" her cool flesh introduced a note of sanity ., and i had never been so glad to see anyone in my life ." i used my key to get in ." she held it up ." but i see you have company . i can always come back ."
dear paige . it must have been such an effort to get over here ." you remember paige ." i made the introduction to richard and poppy ." she 's just had a baby . and this is lara ."
lara was wearing a smocked blue dress and woollen cardigan . she looked cross and uncomfortable . the baby snuffled paige cupped a hand over his head ." shush , charlie , " she murmured ." i'm so sorry about your father ." she said to poppy ." he was such a fine man . he will be missed ."
" he was wonderful , wasn't he ?" poppy cried .
the grief in her outburst made us wince . richard put his arm around his wife ." perhaps we should go ." he said .
ppoppy ignored him ." minty , we need to ask you something "- she shot a look at paige - " but it's private . family private . some tjings need to be decided .
paige took the hint ." lara , darling why don't we find some of lucas and felix's toys for you to play with ?" she cocked an eyebroe in my dirrection , which meant call if you want reinforcements , and disappeared ." come along , lara , " we heard her say .
poppy took a deep breath ." about where dad is buried .

 ' how typical ." poppy let out a passionate wail ." there was dad just slogging on , providing for everyone . he must have been so worried , and he had no one confide in ."
"poppy .... " richrad sounded a warning note ." we don't know yet ."
she twitched a fold her black skirt , which had caught on the chair and more quietly ." now we are all saying things we don't mean . sorry . none of us is ourselve , " she crossed to the wooden  dresser ranged along the wall , and a finger along a shelf : " he liked this , didn't he ? and he loved this blue and  white plate with cabbage roses . i was him with him when he bought it ."
"yes , he did ."
richard interposed himself deftly between me and his wife ." i want to reiteate that if you need help with anything . minty , you have only to ask " he shone with youth and affluence : the results of an organic diet and money were evident  in his skin , the crocodile watch strap , and the polished leather shoes , once upon a time , nathan would have shone with a similar health and energy .
poppy turned her attention to the back garden , she went over to the window ." poor mum ." she murmured ." she 's dvastated ."
" and minty is too , " said richard . if there was ever an order of honor for kind , nice husbands with powers of restrain , richard belonged at the head of it .
" the garden needs work ." poppy shielded her eyes against the morning sun . which was sliding toward the lilac tree ." i suppose . if dad's heart was playing up he didn't feel like  gardening and , of course , he had no help ."

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they are bewildered , but okay . so far . i triedf to tell them the best way i could , but i'm not sure they 've taken it in . how could they ? they're so little ."
poppy made an inarticulate noise and covered he eyes with both hands . richard cleard his throat and said very nicely . " would you like us to have them for a day or so ? poppy and i could take them for the wekened ? rose said she'd help ."
i had a sudden and terrible premonition of what life would be like without them  ." no , please no .... " i had not intended to be so confrontational but i could not bear the idea . " they stay here . you mustn't steal them ."
"minty ..." poppy sat up straight ." we didn't want to steal them . we only wanted to help . we thought it might be best for them while you get on with arrangements ."
richard was appalled ." the offer wasn't meant in that way , minty , believe me ."
i felt my way into a chair ." i'm sorry . of course you did not mean it that way . things are a bit odd at the moment , and i'm not sure what i'm saying ," richard looked as though he might understand ."it was kind of you , but i don't know think they 'd want to be taken away from home by strangers ."
"we 're not strangers , " countered poppy . " i'm their half sister ."
i licked my lips ." rose is a strangers ."
" okay . okay . we're not going to steal the twins . but the offer still stands , whenever you want to take it up ." poppy pushed herself awkwardly to her feet . she hesitated . " was it ... was it heart failure as mum thought ?"
"probably . we won't know until after the postmortem ."

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poppy's hauinted gaze roved restlessly over the ojects in the kitchen ." everything will change , won't it ?'" she glanced at richard ." i woke up this morning , and it seemed fine . then it wasn't , can you afford to stay here ? you won;'t hjave to sell the house ?"
" idon't know . i'll  have to find out . i'm still trying to take everything in ."
"sorry ," said poppy. " that was stupid of me ,. unfeeling ."
her frailness was emphasized by the thin wrist that she raised to her forhead ." i'm sure dad will have provided ..."- there was a tiony pause - " for everyone ."
occasionally , very occasionally , during the past seven years . i had wondered if poppy and i could skirt past rose and because friends . everyone benefited  from an alliance within the family on which they could call at times when the chips were down . in this case , poppy and i might have achieved something rather wonderful - a transiomation where none had seemed possible .
but we had not .
' where are the boys ? how they are ? at least .... they are so young . maybe it helps if you're that age . maybe you don't feel .... quite .... in the same way . i mean ."
" it's a nice theory ." i said .
richard positioned himself behind his wife and laid a hand on her shoulder . " it wil take time  ." he said , in his practical way : " but they need normality . not you weeping over them ."
" that 's not fair ." poppy jerked away from him .
i seized on his lead ." the boys are at school . their break starts on friday . we're trying to keep the routines as usual  .

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" there's a perfectly good bell ," i said to poppy's stooping figure .
"minty ." poppy levitated upright smartly  . " i wasn't sure about coming here . but mum sent me . there are thing we need to go over ."
clad from head to toe in black , her eyes red and swollen ,  she looked frail  and devastated . pity for her and sam , pity for the buoys , pity for myself swamped the nooks and crannies of my tired mind ." i don't know what to say , poppy , except that i'm so sorry ."
"sorry ." she experimented with the word ." i didn't see him last week as  usual . i canceled because ....well  , because .... something came up ." she grimaced . " isn't that  typical  of fate , or whoever ... just so cruel."
"yes , it is ."
richard had been parking the car and joined us . he was dressed for the office . he gave me a quick hug ." minty . are you all right ?"
' you 'd better both come in ." i stepped aside , richard placed an arm around poppy's waist and guided his wife inside . poppy's eye fell on nathan 's coast , which was hanging on its peg , and she stopped in her tracks , " that's his . oh , dad ,"
richard maneuvered poppy past the coast and into the kitchen ." popp hasn't been too well since she heard the news ." he eased her into a chair and brushed  the hair off her forhead ." not surprisingly . " he turned to me ." " i hope someone has been loooking after you , minty ."
a hand squeezed my throat without compunction . the only person who was likely to take care of me was dead ." eve and the neighbors have been very good ."

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filex 's grip loosened " daddy is naughty to go away .'
nathan had had no choice . he had not wanted to go . either of those statements would have been true . yet even a  child  could spot how hopeless and insecure  they made the world appear , and the point of being a parent was to persuade your children that they were safe .
after a while . felix relaxed . his body grew heavy and his breathing regular . i lay with my arms still around him as the sounds of the day outside multiplied and i knew i had to get up and face it .
the boys and i got dressed together ." i bet i can put my trousers on quicker than you can put your socks on .' i held up a red pair and a blue one .
" quick ." said lucas , and hauled off his pajamas , revealing a bottom that had a picture of a cat on it drawn in black pen .
"what on earth have you two been doing ?"
at the breakfast table , i said ." if you eat all your cereal. you can have an ice cream for supper and an extra long story at bedtime ."
in that way , with stops and starts , little bribes and games , we got through that early morning and breakfast . that was . that was how it would be for a good while : garnes , subterfuges , and stratagerms to make the days pass .
after eve had taken them to school i cleared the table and tidied the kitchen . i am a window , i thought , as i swished water around the sink .
as i went upstairs to make the beds , the letter box in the front door rattled . the flap was lifted and a magnified eye peered through . i recognized that eye and opened the door .

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felix climbed into my bed and woke me . " mummy , where 's daddy ?"
it was six o'clock , i had just fallen into a heavy sleep , but his question sent a shock through stiff lips , i murmured ," do you remember we talked about it last night , flex ? daddy's gone away where he is very happy and peaceful ."
" the voice in my ear was insistent and anxious . " are you going away too ?"
i reached over and wrapped him in my arms , and we raveled into a knot of limbs under the duvet ." no , i'm not ."
"promise ." filex wound his leg around my torso and pressed his head into my chest .bolted together in that innocent , sad embrace . i pictured the river of DNA that flowed throught me into him , i was him . he was nathan . he was me . never before had i chosen my words with such care ." i have no intention of going away , filex ." i've got you both to look after .

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" yes , your , daddy ...."
felix picked up blanky , hauled it on board , and climbed back into a position against me : a warm , surprisingly solid weight  for his sixe .
" daddy oved you very much ," i said , nd drew them closer , " and he will always be with us , but i am afraid something happened to im ....." i found myself choking , and struggled o continue , " he got very ill , and his heart could not beat any longer , and he died , he's gone away and he won't be coming back ."
lucas busrt into tears , " daddy promised to come to the football ."
\i experienced an overwhelrming sence of heaviness and defeat ." lucas , dady can't come to the football ." i took his little hand and striked it . he would come if he could ,"
" he's gone up into the sky  . he can probably see us , and he'll think about all the time . i'm going to take care of you , and we shall be together  but we shall think about him a lot , won't we , boys . "
felix wriggled out of my embrace and went over to window ." naughty daday ," he said angrily ."
" daddy's not naughty , " felix ," i said . " he can't help it ."
" naughty , naughty  ," felix repeated . then he said ." there 's tigger in the road ."
" come back , felix ."
but he shook his head and remained stubbornly by the window . lucas sighed and looked up at me ." does that mean we'll be getting a new daddy to drive the car ?"

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" a list " i exclaimed ." you made a list when you have so many other things to do ."
" that 's what friends are for ....." marin hanged it over "{ it helps to have something concrete to think about ."
" how are paige and bably ?"
he frowned a trifle ." they're  fine . i'm not sure how much rest paige is getting ."
" are the night bad ?"
" i'm in the spare room at the moment ."
it was getting dark , and the lights needed to be turned on , but i did nothing about it . matin and i sat in the kitchen while dusk crept in , and i was grateful , oh so grateful . for his oresentce .
" no story tonight ." i said to the boys ." i want to talk to you ."
they were scrubbed , shining , hopeful ." it's about daddy ."
two thrusting pairs of eyes fixed on me . i patted felix's bed . "come and sit beside me ."
felix settle on my right . lucas on my left . i put my arms round them and held on tight . felix wriggled free , slid down from the bed , and fetched the very hungry caterpillar . he held it out to me with both hands . i shook my head ." no story tonight , felix ."
" daddy ..... " i faltered and stopped , " he ......" i was searching for the right words , the best possible ones . i was searching for control . that i must exrt . i was searching to help them  travel through a grief-stricken future .
daddy ...." lucas was confident and giggly ." our daddy "

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" fair division between parties ," someone had scribled violently in the margin ." i shoulld be so lucky ." who sent it ? i inquired of eve . but she said she had not recognized the woman .
wills and probate lay on the kitchne table in front of me . i supposed the rest of the world was saying on very nicely without nathan . chris sharpe had , in all probability , enjoyed a good  day . peter shaker's would not have been too bad eother , except , perhaps , for the odd jab of conscience . i felt sorry for carrolyne , who would be caught between loyalty to her husna=band .and her stricy=t  notions of what was correct . booting nathna put in favor of peter woul;d not come under her heading of the later .
someone walked into the kitchen ." martin ."
he palced a cling - wrapped pyrex dish on the table and bent over to kiss my check ." i came as soon as i could and i've brought a macarom and cheese ."
i cast around for the polite response , any response ." lucas loves macarom and cheese ."
he sat beside me and took both my hands in his ." oaige asked linds to make it ." there was a pause ." this is terrible .
minty , but you will survive . that's what i 've come to tell you . it might seem that you won't , but you will ."
his grasp was cool and firm , and i was grateful for it ." keep telling me that , martin ."
" i have every intertion of doing so ."
the macaron and cheese had been made to perfecttion with a crip crust on top ." i'm not sure what to do first  ."
martin let go of my hands . and extracted a piece of paper from his breast pocket ." i've made a list ." he said . cobbled  together from what i remember when my parents died . . funeral arrangements ....."

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gisela's lips barely moved . " nathan had had good innings ."
" let's hope roger can he philosophical when it's his turn to head back to the pavillion ."
 with a touch of panic , gisela said ," there 's no need minty  ..."
" roger really concluded that peter shker was a better man than nathan ?"
gisela smoothed the cuff of her dazzling shirt ." is this the right time to discuss all this it's impossible to be rational ."
" oh , rationlity ," i said ." it 's overrated ."
i got up and went to half-moon table .; very gently , i lifted the clock and placed a on the mantepiece in the space that nathan had always intened for it .
gisela picked her bag ." i must go , but remember . roger will help if he can . i will help all i can with with the arrangements . if you like ."
i heard myself cry ." why did roger do it ?"
gisela put down her bag again . placed her hands on my shoulders , and looked deply into my eyes ." that is the way it is ,. nathan did it to others , remember ."
" but it killed him ."
 the pressure on shoulders increased  ." nathna liked his whiskey , he had a stressful job , he had a ... busy ...home life . alarge family . those things contribute . no , it wasn't getting the sack , minty . nathan 's heart condition killed him ."
the doorbell continuted to ring . but i let eve deal with it .each time , she returned bearing something . abottle of wine with a label that real ." condolences ." a paperback entitled wills and probate . the front cover was  coffee stained and many of the papers were dog- eared . in the section entiled . 14 , 4 , 3

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" i can't do much for you , minty , except help woth the small things . heree's the name of a good florist . just tell them what you want for nathan , and they 'll undersatnd ."
florist ? " thank you . " my lips were trembling ." did roger say how nathan was yesterday ?" gisela made a play of stowing the dnotebook back in her bag ." i'd like to know what he said and how he looked ."
" all right ." gisela seemed to have been expecting my question ." roger was dreading the meeting . anthan was a froend , no , don't look like that , mitny , you know it , as well as i do . roger gave the news to him straight , at first , anthan did not say much ," gisel paused ." roger said he walked pver to window and turned his back on him . it was shock . he said , and he needed a minute or two . then he went on the attack and told roger the decision was crazy and wrong . furthermore , vistermax did not need destabilizing at the moment ."
" nathan fought back ." to those who knew him intimately , the signs would have been readable . when he tightened his mouth , things were not good for the opposition . if he dug a hand into a trouser pocket , the strategy had been worked out .
" i have never seen roger so sad , so rattled . at the .... prospect of doing it ." gisela offered ." and nathan gave him a very , very hard time ."
" gisela , nathan was about to lose everything ."
" not everything . he had you and the boys . that was one of the points . roger reckoned that he might be quite glad of period at home to see more  of the twins ."
astonished , i stared at gisela . " nathan  was sacked because roger thought he'd make a good nany ?"